Monday, July 27, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 123: Packing and planning and It's My Thing


SH: You're probably taking a pair of underwear for each day we're going to be on vacation.

Me: Um. Yes.

SH: I won't be taking a shower every day, so I don't need to take that many.

Me: Whatever.

SH: But maybe if you are going to be washing any laundry in the sink, you could wash some things for me?

Me: You can wash your own laundry.

SH: But you can do it!

Me: So can you.

SH: But you are better!

Me: What? Why do you say something like that?

SH: Because it's your thing.

Me: It's not my thing either. It's nobody's thing.

SH: Yes. It is a thing.

Me: It's not a thing. It's just something you do. It's not that complicated.

SH: But it's - it's a girl thing.

Me: Woah Mr Liberal!

SH: Like sewing buttons - that's something you do. It's not something I do.

Me: Because your mother thought the sun comes out of your butt.

SH: It's not my thing.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Wisconsin 101: We do not lock our doors in some small towns




SH and I are getting ready to go on vacation. Emailing with my aunt about what time we will be at their house.



Aunt A: we will be at mass 4-5:15 p.m. House is open, see you when you get there.

This is the same aunt who let me borrow a car once. When she came home, she asked for the keys. I told her they were on the kitchen counter.

"Why didn't you just leave them in the car?" she asked, slightly annoyed.

I have never lived in a small town before. I didn't know how things worked. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Wisconsin 101: How we eat cookies, how we smoke cigarettes

SH: I like [my cousins' bakery] cookies, but I prefer something more decadent.
Me: They are not very rich. They are very good, but they are not rich.
SH: No! I want something really rich, really decadent.
Me: That's not their market. Their market is moms who shop at the farmers market and want to feed something not too bad to their kids
SH: You mean the crunchy granola crowd?
Me: Yes
SH: So the American Spirits crowd - the cigarette that will let liberals feel good about smoking again.
Me: Yes. That is their market.

Monday, July 20, 2015

The working life with engineers: If the shoe fits or matches or something like that

 

You guys, I went through an entire day at work without one single person pointing out that my shoes did not match. For as detail oriented as engineers can be, you would think I would have been the object (the subject? I don't know) of much snickering and finger pointing.

Or maybe I really am invisible now that I am a Woman of a Certain Age.


Friday, July 17, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 903: I would say I will buy a new purse but how many purses can one woman use?

Me: I was looking in the drawers in the guest room. Almost all the drawers have your clothes in them. There is only one drawer that has my stuff in it.

SH: Uh huh.

Me [not surprised that the announcement of the huge inbalance of space consumption in this house - the junk in the basement is his, he has an entire office full of junk, and now he is encroaching into the guest room - was not met with consternation but instead with no acknowledgement that it is not fair for one person to hog all the storage space, even if I don't have as much stuff - there is nothing wrong with having space be empty]: I noticed that there are several pairs of brand-new boxers in one of the drawers.

SH: I know.

Me: So don't buy any more! You have enough.

SH: I know. I won't.

Me: Good.

SH: Unless I find something really cool, like with a fish design.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

The Professional Organization of English Majors






You guys, I had to share this with you. It is from my friend at Bookchase.

That is all.




Friday, July 10, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 234: In space, nobody hears you whine

SH: Wow. Laverne sure whines a lot.

Me: I know.

SH: If we don't feed her before we leave for our walk, do you think she'll keep whining once we're gone?

Me: Like if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there, does it make a sound?

SH: Yes.

Me: I don't know. Does anyone hear you whine when I am not around? Do you whine when I'm not around?

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 653: Who's in charge?



SH: Hey! That's messy over there!

Me: So?

SH: So we need to take care of it.

Me: It's not our property.

SH: But it's messy! We need to do something!

Me: "We?"

SH: I mean you.

Me: But you are the person in charge of the yardwork now.

SH: But you are the gardener.

Me: It's not our property. I'm not doing it.

Monday, July 06, 2015

Chats du jour: Trying to stop the hoovering and the vomiting

 

Laverne has an eating disorder.

She is a pig.

She sucks her food up in about 15 seconds.

When she throws it up - which is often, the kibbles are whole. She does not even chew.

Shirley, on the other hand, is a deliberate eater. She thinks about each bite and looks into the distance for several seconds as she does so. "Do I dare chew?" she muses. "Do I dare eat?"

Her head tilts and then she decides.

Yes.

She does dare eat.

She picks up one kibble and chews it. Slowly. Deliberately. Calmly.

Meanwhile, to her right, Laverne has already eaten all of her food and is looking at Shirley's. "Are you going to eat that?" she asks.

"Yes I am so stay away!" Shirley says, but Laverne ignores her and tries to shove her way in.

A few minutes later, Laverne is throwing up her food because she has eaten way too fast.
 


SH and I reduced the vomiting a bit by splitting her meal into two shifts separated by 15 minutes, but that still wasn't enough.

Today, the vet suggested I add some tennis balls to a feeding dish.

Laverne was ticked. 

1. I had fed Shirley in their usual dish but there was no food for Laverne and that was MEAN.

2. I kept trying to show Laverne the new bowl with the tennis balls but she wasn't interested. For over six years, she has been eating out of the right side of the dish that she shares with Shirley. That is how we do it. That is how we have always done it. Where was her food? Where?

3. I showed her the new dish again and she didn't understand what I was getting at.

4. And then Shirley, who has never had an intellectual reputation in this house, did discover that there was food mixed in with the tennis balls and the toys. That piqued Laverne's interest, if just because Laverne loves nothing more (other than eating) than to take something away from Shirley.

It took Laverne five minutes to eat her entire meal. Usually, it takes her under a minute to eat half of her meal. This might do the trick. I will let you know. It will be a lot easier to find a new catsitter if I don't have to say, "Oh yeah - you will probably have to clean cat vomit off the floor."

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 54: SH and I agree that the woman who shares a bed with her boss on business trips is not just saving money


Me: See this.


I don't believe that there is nothing going on between the woman and her boss with whom she shares a room (and sometimes a single king bed).
(And I would never share a room with another man unless it was some kind of emergency!)
Well, unless it were with someone who is on The List.
Oh yeah.. Except for that.
Chat Conversation End

Monday, June 29, 2015

Wisconsin 101: They talk different here

I was talking to one of the guys who works at city hall. Discovered he was from Alabama.

Guy: I moved here when I was 14.

Me: That must have been a shock - to be a black person in Milwaukee and to be someplace so cold.

Guy: It WAS! I asked for a pop and they didn't know what I wanted!

[Which I thought was odd because I thought "pop" was a northern thing, but I don't curate his experience.]

Guy: The clerk asked if I meant a soda and I didn't know. I said I wanted Jungle Juice and she said, "Oh! You want juice! It's back there."

Me: It's different up here.

Guy: Plus where I'm from, we were real country. But it's different here. Everything is different.

Me: Food.

Guy: Food. I think the greens are better down there - you know, because of the earth.

Me: If grapes can make wine taste different because of where they are grown, I don't see why mustard greens can't be the same. My friend came from Memphis to visit and she brought me a suitcase full of mustard greens.

Guy: I bet they were good.

Me: Hey. Do you know the expression "put your foot in it?"

Guy: Of course.

Me: I made some brownies for an IT guy at work when I lived in Memphis and he sent me an email that I had put my foot in them. I thought he was saying my brownies were bad.

Guy: No! It's a compliment!

Me: You're sure? I saw a Tyler Perry movie where Madea said something like that.

Guy: It's like when you make some mustard greens that are so good and your granny say, "Child! You put your FOOT in those doggone GREENS!" It means they are real good.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 986: The importance of plates




SH: If you're home by yourself long enough, the plates get out of order.

Me: What?

SH: The two plates that don't match the rest of the set. They need to be on top of the stack, all the time.

Me: Why?

SH: So they get used the most and so if we do break one, we break one of the plates that doesn't match.

Me: That's nuts.

SH: I always keep those two at the top of the stack! You weren't even aware of that? You are definitely not doing it right!