Monday, January 19, 2009

Hawaii #8: What not to wear

Honey. I know you're excited that the hormones are working and that the boob surgery went great. Yes, that is a fabulous rack you are sporting -- so big and perky and no support! Not exactly natural, but if you're going to make the Big Change, then go all the way is what I say.

But your girlfriends are leading you astray. As a (former) man, you have probably not heard of the bridesmaid theory. Basically, women are super competitive and will do what it takes to make you look bad so they will look better in comparison. Even if they are your friends.

So don't believe them when they tell you that the tube top and long skirt are your best look. The skirt covers your legs except for your ankles and I'm sorry to say that there is no surgery in the world that can give you delicate, pretty ankles, which is why you never see Hilary in a skirt, but the skirt also covers what are probably slim, toned legs that might be halfway convincing as woman's legs. Man legs can translate to decent woman legs -- after all, don't most fashion models look like 12-year-old boys with breasts? -- and yours might be OK, what with those slim hips and all. But we can't see them.

Now for the tube top. Sure, it shows off your bosom. But when you used to be a pro football player and still have those big traps, deltoids, and biceps -- nice striations, btw, you might want to cover them up. Big neck and shoulder muscles just aren't pretty. Indeed, as my liberal, tolerant, wanting-to-cut-off-your-man-parts-is-NOT-a-sign-of-mental-illness husband commented when I pointed you out to him, "Wow. He is like the black hole of femininity."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to stop by Editha's (I think that was her name) shack for flowers. She is just south of the town of Kona on the west side of the street. See if she remembers us from this summer. Did you try kayaking/snorkeling?