Monday, March 16, 2009

How to take your cats to the vet

T - 30 minutes
Secure the exits. Close upstairs, bathroom and bedroom doors. Locate cats. They are sitting on basement stairs, enjoying the sun coming in the back door. Little do they know their world is about to be shattered.

T - 27
Lure cats into kitchen by shaking their food box. Don't actually give them food. Just trick them.

T - 26
Close kitchen door behind them.

Shirley in her kitty restraint at the vet. She definitely remembered him from last week and her surgery. Remembered him and was not excited to see him again.

T - 25
Retrieve The Box from basement.

T - 24
Casually place The Box on kitchen floor. Oh, that? Nothing.

T - 23
Run after Laverne, who is trying to squeeze under bathroom door.

Give up. Shirley is easier to catch. She is just sitting by the food bowl, thinking if she sits there long enough, I'll feed her. Silly girl. I'm not SH. He's the softie and he's in Detroit, waiting for a plane to Tampa. It's just the Big Meanie here.

No. She is not supposed to be sitting there. Why do you ask?

T - 22
Casually saunter over to Shirley and pick her up. She is suspicious. I am not the cat picker upper. I wait for them to come to me. Not only that, but I have pinned her front legs to her torso. Alert! Alert! Something is wrong! She starts to squirm, but says nothing, because unless she is in heat, she doesn't talk.

T - 21
Try to put an unwilling cat into The Box. Even with her front legs out of commission, this is not easy, as back legs can be remarkably useful. Discover that anchoring the back of The Box against the wall is helpful. Leverage is my friend. Physics 101 was not a complete waste of time. Make that Physics 121. Yeah, I know it was self-paced physics for those of us who couldn't keep up and didn't know what those funny long "S's" were. Hey, I didn't have calculus in high school because the public school I went to in seventh grade didn't get me tracked right in math and I had to pay the price six years later but I still got an A and I got torque so get off my back, OK? And I did better in differential equations than some people I know who went on to major in computer science and get a PhD. So there.

T - 17
Slam the door to The Box. Listen to Shirley moan. She is Not Happy.

T - 16
Breathe deeply. Try to calm my racing heart. This is stressful for the cats. Also stressful for me. Thank goodness I don't have kids. Can you imagine trying to crate a toddler? They weigh a lot more than cats do. It might also be illegal, this being Wisconsin where pretty much anything useful, like putting your lawn waste in a trash can or parking on the street in front of your own house overnight is illegal, but driving while drunk is just hunky dory.

T - 15
Look for Laverne. She's no fool. She has hidden herself in a dark corner. I apologize as I pick her up, then try to convert her body into a bullet shape that will slide right into The Box.

T - 14
Shirley does not want company and tries to squeeze out of The Box. Hissing ensues. Fur flies. I get the door closed and just about pass out from stress.

Shirley has an attitude problem.


John0 Juanderlust said...

Both in the same box? I've heard of it with horses but not cats.
Something tells me there is a better way. Maybe the cats told me, I don't know. Ask the vet if he's got knock out drops you can use next time.

John0 Juanderlust said...

cat burka

class-factotum said...

John, I am always in favor of drugs. I think it was the fact that this was the third time in The Box in under three weeks that had them ticked off. They shouldn't have to go for another year now.

I think she looks like a feline Hannibal Lecter.

MeanMommyDoc said...

God, that is hilarious-- I have stopped trying to put Lilah in a box, and instead it takes two of us to take her to the vet-- one to drive, and the other to keep her wrapped up in a towel (that will be COVERED in her hair by the time we are done because her response to stress is to explode hair off of herself like a porcupine). That's why she has not been in a couple of years....