Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Marriage 101, Lecture 14: The Marital Bed

My side:

Serious Honey's side:
This is what happens after The Engineer sleeps. When I turn over at night, I turn under the blanket. The Engineer holds the blanket and takes it with him as he rotates from right to left, thus pulling my share of the blanket with him to his side. He does this about a gajillion times a night. He must go from left to right at some point or do a complete 360, but he does not bring any blanket back with him when he goes in that direction. By the end of the night, I am left with only a tiny fragment of the blanket.

This whole thing is made even more unfair by the fact that he is a human furnace who throws off heat and doesn't even need a blanket while I am a black hole that sucks in or attempts to suck in heat as I have no heat source of my own and must get it all externally.

Yes, I am one of those creatures who would survive a famine as I am an extremely efficient burner of calories, which would be a fabulous quality to have had oh 1,000 years ago when plump sturdy thighs, a round jelly belly and chubby arms were held as the highest standard of beauty but today not so much. Why these qualities do not also translate into constant body warmth I do not know as one would think they would march in lockstep. I was an English major, not a biology major.

But CF? you are asking. Why don't you just cuddle up next to SH for warmth?

Oh man. When you were a spinster for 44 years, it's not so easy to get used to sleeping with someone. And when you are used to starting out on your left side and then just as you are about to fall asleep turning to your right because that's how you do it is why, you really can't sleep cuddled up, especially when your husband throws out enough heat that you start to sweat. And when your husband travels a lot and then when he is home, sometimes comes to bed with you and sometimes stays up working until 3:30 a.m., and you are a huge creature of habit, you just can't.

And that's the story of the bed.

1 comment:

Anonymous Mother said...

Like mother, like daughter... I TOLD you you were cloned.