Saturday, May 16, 2009

Chats du jour: Unfit cat owners

I put the cats out in the yard this morning with their leash and harness attached to the clothesline. As SH and I frolicked in the kitchen with our sausage and eggs and coffee and booze and meth while our cats starved and tried to eat grass, we laughed ha ha ha we get to eat and be warm and you don't.

Then SH said Oh look! Shirley is climbing the tree! I said, She's never done that before. Cool. It will wear down her sharp, sharp, destructive claws that we have to fight to cut because she won't scratch on designated cat-scratching items but wants to scratch things like bedspreads and humidors. Maybe she's really becoming a hunter now! We just need to be careful that her line doesn't get tangled in the branches.

And then I said Oh look she's jumping out of the tree Omigosh she just jumped out of the tree Holy crap she just jumped and now she's hanging there from the line She's going to strangle Holy crap and I ran outside while SH said Don't worry it's a harness she won't strangle but he was running right after me and Shirley was dangling from the tree because I guess she forgot she was on a leash. Sometimes she's smart, sometimes not so much.

We got her down from the tree and brought her inside and gave her treats, including cheese, which I had to remind SH makes her throw up, and treated her like a big baby, and argued about whether this means that we should keep her on a shorter line or take her off the line altogether and let her roam freely*, which SH is sure means she will be killed by pit bulls, even though I have yet to see anything other than an arthritic old Lab in our neighborhood.

Related cat story from today:

SH: What was that stuff in front of the refrigerator this morning?

Me: That hair fluff stuff?

SH: Yeah. I saw it when I put the cats in the basement at 5:00 a.m.

Me: It was just a bunch of cat hair. I thought it might be one of their mice, but when I looked more closely, it was just hair. It must have blown out from under the fridge. I put it in the trash.

SH: Oh. I thought it might be cat vomit.

Me: You thought it was vomit and you just left it there?

SH: It was five in the morning. It would have still been there later.**

* Which of course is illegal in our town, because Wisconsin is like number gajillion in personal freedoms in this country, even if we have a cat license, which we don't and have no intention of getting.

** "Later" as in when I got up because I always get up first.


John0 Juanderlust said...

I'm hoping "cat license" is just a little joke you are making.
Is it the cat that gets the license, or the human? Does a cat have to be licensed to officially be a cat and do cat things? Or maybe if a person gets the license, then he can legally be a cat.

class-factotum said...

Cat license is no joke. Dogs are supposed to be licensed as well. I don't think there is a test.