Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Sixteen tons

You parents out there, what is in those big backpacks I see the second-graders toting as they trudge their way to school past my house every morning? This being Wisconsin, it could be beer and cigarettes. If so, wouldn't it be better to have beer vending machines at the school so our children would not develop back problems?

It won't be cigarettes for long because no more smoking in public places, public being defined as any place a person (Party A) might go voluntarily, even if that place is owned by a private person (Party B )and Party B might charge Party A for beer or food or what have you and not even put a gun to Party A's head for the money. The gun, by the way, is perfectly legal because it is, after all, Party B's property and Wisconsin has just joined the rest of the world and realized that open carry is indeed constitutional and we really don't need to worry about licensed, law-abiding people carrying guns.

But not Party B's property for the purposes of deciding whether there should be cigarettes. Just guns. Because guns don't kill people. Just cigarettes.*

I never carried a backpack to school, not until I was a senior in college and lived off campus. Of course, I was too weak as a second grader from smoking to carry anything.

I digress. Just what is in those backpacks? Second graders don't have homework, do they? Even if they did, wouldn't it just be a few worksheets? What on earth could weigh a kid down that much?

My other question of the day has nothing to do with the first but I still want to know: Why is the honey (a sweetening agent) with the peanut butter and not with either the sugar or the maple syrup at Sendik's? Who creates this taxonomy? Do you know how long I looked for honey today? And no, it is not on the not very helpful list they post at the end of each aisle, although the list did tell me where the Cool Whip is, which would have been useful last week when I needed it for the book club dessert.

* Do not twist those words to mean that I think guns should be banned as well. Just the opposite. As a matter of fact, I am for concealed carry.

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