Why am I the only one at Body Pump who doesn't have a smooth butt? Not just the flesh itself, mind you. I could never have a smooth butt. That's impossible. I like to eat way too much. This is Wisconsin. This is Milwaukee. Kopp's Never Enough Chocolate. Oscar's Brownie Smash. Cheese. Fried cheese curds. Carr Valley Mellage with sliced apples. Carr Valley Cocoa Cardona with pears. My uncle's summer sausage. His brats. Oh wow. I'm getting hungry. SH's steak on the grill. The spinach-artichoke dip samples at Sendik's. Honestly. You expect me not to eat those things?
No, I mean why isn't my butt smooth where my underwear elastic is? Is my underwear too tight? It doesn't hurt. Isn't that how you decide your underwear is too tight? If it causes pain? If I got a larger size, they would fall down. That's how I know mine fit.
I do have some underwear with really wide lace bands, but that's my Nice Underwear and who wears Nice Underwear to the gym first thing in the morning before showering? This is the Nice Underwear I got on sale at Target and still paid more than I usually pay (not the Hot Bottoms from TJMaxx, which I like but which are starting to show their age and in any case, have a narrow elastic band that cuts into my buns of butter not steel anyhow) and that I save for days that SH is home and might see them. (Although he really likes the Hot Bottoms, so maybe I'm wasting the Nice Underwear?)
I have lamented my lined, depressed (in the physical sense) gym butt before. My friend Leigh, in solidarity, sent me some Calvin Klein elastic-less underpants that she swore would not leave lines. Leigh has no fat on her body except where it is supposed to be, so on her, I imagine there would be no lines from anything, even Hot Bottoms. But when I tried the undoubtedly expensive (although Leigh and I are kindred spirits, so she probably got these at TJMaxx -- smart girl! -- let the rest of the world pay retail!) Calvins, I had a line. Scientists will study my butt when I am dead.
Here's what I want to know: What is it that all the other women in my class know that I do not? Is it something as simple as they are willing to wear their Nice Underwear to the gym and I am not? Or is there more? What is the Big Underwear Secret that I, at 45, have not learned?