Saturday, May 02, 2009

What about the leetle cheeldren?

This is so sad. Look what I found on the sidewalk: a candy cigarette box. I thought this sort of thing didn't happen any more. Our youth! Being corrupted!

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Not even one left for me.

This is the gateway drug, of course. Get a kid hooked on candy cigarettes when he's seven and he'll be smoking a pack of Marlboros a day by the time he's fifteen. Quelle dilemma. We need the smokers to pay those high cigarette taxes, pay higher life and health insurance rates and to die early so they don't claim their Social Security benefits, but they are so annoying to the non-smokers while they're alive. What if they want to, you know, smoke! while they're around the rest of us! I mean, how rude! How dare they exercise their rights to do something completely legal! And tax generating!

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My sister (far fight) and I (second from right) smoked candy cigarettes (around a BABY!) when we were kids and look what happened to us. We moved quickly to regular cigarettes by the time we were ten, of course, and then to meth by high school. My dad also let us have a sip of his beer now and then, which meant we were on to a quart a day (each) of Jack Daniels by the time we were in high school. We had to prostitute ourselves for the money because my dad would have noticed if his liquor had gone missing.

What's interesting is that in college, it wasn't the kids whose parents completely denied them demon liquor or who were the screaming, fighting, lock themselves in the bathroom alcoholics who went crazy drinking but my siblings and I who got drunk every. single. night. Yep. Us, from a home where drinking was done in moderation, just an ordinary part of life, not to excess, just a beer or sangria now and then with hard liquor at parties or maybe on weekends, we were the ones to turn to binge drinking. And the candy cigarettes, our gateway candy to emphysema.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love that picture!! (Cousin CF, you were 'sex on a stick' even back then, weren't you?!!?)Seriously, I can just picture this picture on some type of a greeting card....White-Chocolate

class-factotum said...

WC, yes, if sex on a stick is a chubby first grader in tight double knit polyester shorts!

TosaGuy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TosaGuy said...

Reminds me of when I was in kindergarten (1976) and it was show and tell day. A kid brought in a toy jet airplane and a candy cigarette. He said that he would make a "jet tail" come from the plane and he put the candy cigarette in his mouth and then blew through the jet engine on the toy plane. Of course nothing happened because when his dad did it he probably had a real cigarette.