Thursday, May 14, 2009

In it to win it

Book club (neighborhood, not church) is chez nous this week, which means cleaning the living room for the first time in months. We kept it closed off this winter because we live in a drafty, old, money flees out of the windows house and didn't see the point in heating more space than we had to. I would say that now that it is getting nice that it is time open the living room, but Laverne's desire to scratch on nothing but the newly reupholstered wing chair keeps that from being an option.

Well, I suppose it is still an option sans Laverne. What is not an option is keeping the living room door open all the time, along with the living room windows, and having a breeze flow through the house.

Southern cooking makes you good looking
Maybe I should serve all southern foods: biscuits, collards, sweet potato casserole.

Those of you who live in Wisconsin or know Wisconsin are falling off your chairs laughing at that very idea while the rest of you are scratching your heads.

Well, anyway. So I had to clean the living room, which had accumulated a lot of dirt for a place that had seen no human or cat habitation for the past few months. Mostly dust bunnies and roly-polys, which would be invisible to me without my glasses and I am OK with that* but if I were at your house, I would totally be looking for dirt and judging** and don't tell me you wouldn't be doing the same at my house because that is just how women are.

But I have never learned to make fried chicken.

Yes. We are totally competitive. Don't try to deny it, even you East Coast we're so intellectual that we're not going to wear makeup and shave our legs types. Please. You just play on a different field.

I was in the Junior League. I know how the game goes. Any time there is a group of women, it is about a group of women, which means it is a competition. JL was not about volunteering. If it were about volunteering, nobody would be paying almost $200 a year*** to belong and going to those stupid boring meetings and volunteering at crummy places like the Salvation Army babysitting kids who pooped in their pants and didn't have diapers and whose mother, pulled out of a parenting class, got mad at the poor kid and yanked her arm really hard even though it was the mother's fault for not putting the kid in diapers when she was only 16 months old. If all you wanted to do was volunteer, you could sign up at church to do something easy and fun without worrying about wearing the right shoes, clothes and makeup.

I never went to this place when I lived in Memphis.

Nope. When you join a service organization, there is always more to the story. I was on my neighborhood association board in Memphis and I did it to show off. I know. You're shocked. But I have to tell you, it felt good to sell 50% more ad revenue for the home tour than had ever been sold before. And to collect it! The only place I didn't collect from was the photo studio where the owner was being investigated by the Treasury Dept for making fake passports. I even got the money from the restaurant where the owner kept telling me the check was in the mail and it wasn't so I finally went there and stood at the cash register until the manager called the owner and got me the money. Don't mess with me.

The Returned Peace Corps Volunteer Group that Leigh, Megan and I started in Memphis?

We started it to meet men. Not as a service organization. We had already done our service. Just to meet men. And it worked. That's how Megan met her husband.

Book club. It's all about books, right? Well, yes. I do love to read and I like to talk about what I read. But I want to make friends. And I like to entertain. And I like to show off. So sue me. But when you come to my house, you will eat well. So I don't think anyone will complain.

I do, however, make a mean pecan-bourbon pie. Full disclosure: SH, the detail guy, placed those perfect pecans.

* That is one of the main reasons I don't wear my glasses most of the time, the other being I don't really need to see the wrinkles on my face. Or the zits. No, I don't know why anyone should have wrinkles and zits at the same time. It makes me doubt the existence of God.

** I wouldn't judge messy or dusty as much as I would judge a dirty bathroom. That's just gross.

*** I would have dropped out after the first year except a friend of mine really wanted to join, so I stayed in to sponsor her. I have lost track of her. She went through some rough times and got divorced. I think she might have had an affair. She had asked me once if I would lie for someone who was having an affair, as in, would I cover for a friend, telling me that a friend of hers had asked her to do that. I told her I would not. Now I think she might have been feeling me out to see if I would do it for her.


LPC said...

But don't tell me you think men aren't competing when they are in groups. Just a different game, with different implements. Tecchie guys are always whipping out their cellphones and showing everyone what's what in the world of fast data transfer and alternative input methods...

class-factotum said...

Nope. Men compete, too. You should see my husband and all his gadgets. He probably knows what you're talking about. Lord have mercy.

LPC said...

Lord have mercy. I think the pie looks fantastic. I'd rather judge your competition than the gadget one...

class-factotum said...

Well, come on over and we'll eat! Food is my main hobby, you know!