Thursday, June 04, 2009

Marriage 101, Lecture 1002: Your final destination

I lie awake in bed at night and plan SH's funeral. Not because I am morbid and not because I wish him dead* but because 1) I can't sleep, 2) I am a strategist, i.e., what are the potential outcomes and how do I minimize the negative impact of each? and 3) because I am weird.


Here's what goes through my mind:

Oh crap he's dead. That sucks big time. I'm going to be lonely for the next 50 years. My Granma Sylvia didn't die until she was 98, a life cut tragically short by smoking, and my Granma Johnson is still alive at 96. Sylvia moved into assisted living two years before she died, G. Johnson moved in at 94. So not only will I be lonely, but I will be living at home with nobody to laugh at my lame jokes.

Do I have a funeral? All our friends are out of town. It really doesn't make sense to ask people to fly in to see SH once he's dead. He doesn't care. He's gone.

Yeah, I have to have a funeral if just for me. But I totally won't be offended if his friends don't come because really, that's a lot of money to spend to fly someplace for a couple of days and it's not even a party. Which reminds me -- I have been nagging SH to have a party for a year now and he keeps saying In the summer! so now it's almost summer (by the calendar) and it's time to plan this shindig. Should we have brats?

But do I have people stay at the house or tell them to get a hotel? I wouldn't mind certain people staying with me because they are low maintenance, but boy I don't want this to be our wedding all over again where I turned myself into a B&B manager for several houseguests for almost two weeks. Most of them were easy, but there were a couple who were a little more demanding and let's just say it wasn't my side that expected a full sit-down meal every night and then complained when I went to bed at 9:30 even though they don't like me.**

SH wants to be cremated. You don't have to buy a casket for that, do you? If he's going to be cremated, then there's no point in embalming unless his body would be at the funeral, so there you go: cremate right away. Embalming is just ridiculous. Ever since I read "The American Way of Death," I have been anti-embalming. I have told my mom and SH that I do not want to be embalmed. Also, that I want to be buried in the CHEAPEST CASKET they can find. Cardboard, if it's legal by then. What a big fat waste of money -- a wooden box for a dead body. When my mom and I were picking my dad's coffin, the funeral home guy said something about how this one would preserve the body longer and I was like, He's DEAD. His soul is GONE. Why does it matter how long the body is preserved?

I don't know if I would want to be cremated, but I have no philosophical objections to it. Some say that you can't be cremated because when the Rapture comes, you need your body but let me tell you, if there is going to be that level of miracle, I want to trade in for a better model, like Cindy Crawford's body. She still looks awesome. Mine? Not so much. If I get a second chance, I want to be gorgeous. Yes, that makes me shallow. I don't care.

Back to SH. Do I have to feed all these visitors? Pick them up from the airport?

NO!!!! Our wedding would have been a lot more fun for me if I had just told people to rent a car and find a hotel. I took way too much on myself and that was dumb. I will not be a hostess at SH's funeral. My mom, my sister and brother (if they want to come but they don't have to and I won't hold it against them), and SH's brother can stay at the house because they are all super low maintenance. SH's friend Pete is fine, too. He cooks. He cooks really well.

Am I getting bogged down in the details here? What do I do with the ashes? SH's parents would probably want them. It's not like I would want a box of ashes to put on the mantle. How do I get them to them? Is it OK to send ashes Federal Express? I would send them by the PO, but they don't guarantee delivery. Is it disrespectful to send ashes that way? I wouldn't have to fly to Florida, rent a car, drive an hour and deliver them in person, would I?

What do I do with all the wine in the basement? I don't want to give it away because that's too much money (>300 bottles @ ~$10/bottle) but you have to have a liquor license to sell it, so I couldn't put it on Craigslist. I wonder what the tax deduction is for donated wine.

This is what keeps me up at night.

* I totally want to die first because I really don't want to sort through all his junk. Plus I don't want to figure out the cable and internet bill.

** "The food was bad and the portions were small."


Richard in NY said...

"I totally want him to die first because I really don't want to sort through all his junk. Plus I don't want to figure out the cable and internet bill."

Umm, this does not compute. If he dies first, you will have to sort through his junk and figure out the cable and internet bills. Actually, those simply require payment, not figuring out.


LPC said...

I have such a problem with death that I would probably have to ingest hallucinogens before I would daydream about a funeral.

class-factotum said...

Thanks, Richard. This is what happens when I blog without caffeine. And proofreading.

As far as figuring out the bill, yes, I would, because I would want to cancel the cable but not the internet and they are both from Time Warner, so I would have to figure out if it is a better deal to get internet through the phone company -- which also gives us two bills, land and cellphone and why can't the fix THAT, AT&T? -- or to stay with TW and have internet only and do they even have that option.

LPC, I obviously have a very boring life with a poor imagination if this is the best I can come up with.

Anonymous said...

I think about funerals all the time..for my grandparents, parents, friends, siblings. Not a bad thing.