Saturday, August 08, 2009

Cat performance evaluation, six month


Vomiting has been unsatisfactory, limited to just a couple of known sessions -- on the carpet, of course -- that were quickly addressed.

Pooping has been quite satisfactory, both in quantity and frequency. No bowel problems.


Hunting started out quite promising, with one confirmed kill for Laverne, but has since slowed, although budget and physical constraints outside cats' control has affected performance.

Shirley, however, has not shown any aptitude for hunting and indeed, seems to be too dumb to know what is going on around her, as evidenced by her search under the stove for the mouse that is next to her.

Breaking and entering
Shirley, despite her apparent inability to open doors, has been ingenious when it comes to breaking into the laundry room via the furnace room.

She figured out how to get into the air duct and thus get access to the bedroom even when she was shut in the basement and broke into the laundry room not once but three times, managing to knock over beer bottles (which do not land on their feet when they fall from a three-foot stack of wine boxes onto a cement floor) in the process.

Giving affection

Shirley: Not satisfactory. Only gives affection when being brushed and has been known to bite the grease-covered hand trying to feed her.

Laverne: A little too much affection, especially at 2:00 a.m., her favorite hour to sit on owner, knead and purr.

Sitting around doing nothing

Very accomplished. Both cats are excellent at sitting around, sleeping, and otherwise being useless.

Re-setting time on clock radio
Excellent. Time is re-set at least three times a week.

Noise tolerance
Excellent for Shirley; Laverne is a big sissy.

Ruining keyboard and requiring two hours of software debugging
Excellent. Shirley is very skilled at not only sitting on the keyboard but dislodging the tops to the following keys: 4,5,6, G, R, T, D, /, and "End." She is also very good at hiding said keys under the kitchen rug, requiring intensive searching and worry that she might have eaten them.

Shirley has successfully hunted a potato, a banana and these lentils.


Both cats are champion shedders and need no improvement in this area.

Laverne "Born to Be Wild" is a champion purrer, but Shirley only rations her purrs for the most rare occasions.

Excellent whiners, especially at 7:00 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. when the pre-meal Desperation Escalation begins.

Going to the vet

Not good.

Team players

Shirley is in love with Death and plays well with him.

Overall rating

Both cats are decent cats, now that they are truly fixed and not in heat.

Performance improvement plan
We require some improvement in level of contribution to the household. More dead bugs and more prime-time affection will be necessary for advancement.


Andrea said...

Ha! Love it!

The Stiletto Mom said...

That was adorable. Our cat exceeds expectations in the vomiting department, we get a good on pretty much every day which makes getting out of bed an adventure, you really need to watch where you are going. She is however, kind enough to do it only on hard surfaces though.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

I am such a cat person, and I enjoyed this so much!
I have 5 kittes, ages 5 to 15, and boy, can I relate. One so excels in the vomiting department that I'm sure she's bullemic.
And what's with the kitties and technology? My youngest cat would sit on the keyboard all day. What would she have done 100 years ago?? Knock over the ink well?
Great post!

class-factotum said...

SM, Shirley did eat a bowl of baba ganoush that I had foolishly left on the kitchen counter for one minute while I went to the bathroom and promptly vomited it up on the wooden kitchen floor. But usually, she vomits on the 5% of her space that is carpeted. It's a skill.

Maureen, maybe Shirley's vomiting explains why she is so skinny? I don't think Laverne, who is a Fat Girl, despite our efforts and the vet's warnings, vomits.

Thanks, Andrea!