Wednesday, September 02, 2009

How to go to London from Chalfont St Peter

1. Drive to the Tube station
Miss the road to the tube station because it is not marked. If you don't know where it is, you don't need to go there.
Drive around back to the A40. On the wrong side of the road. Without caffeine.
Go back to Ickenham. Resort to asking a stranger for directions.
Make that awful right turn again onto the road where there is no light.



2. Get to the Tube station
Try to find the entrance to the parking lot.
Squeeze the car into the lot.
Try to pay for parking.
The machine takes only coins. No paper. No credit cards.
Go into the station to get change. No change machines. No change, missy.
Walk to the bakery two blocks away, buy a piece of lemon cake, and get change.


DO NOT TAKE ANY RISKS.

3. Buy your Tube ticket.
Try to pay with your Visa. No luck.
Try to pay with your Amex. No luck.
Repeat both steps. No luck.
Use your cash.

A1 sauce. A luxury item at Harrod's.

4. Go to Harrod's. Look at the watches. 12,000 pounds for a watch. Those are the cheap watches. The expensive ones aren't priced.

They're watching you. They're watching you everywhere.

5. Get cappuccino at McDonald's before you go to Westminster Abbey.
Stand in line. Wait. Wait.
Give your order and pay. Wait. Wait.
Clerk tells you that they don't have cappuccino. Ask for a refund. Wait. Wait.

6. Have a wonderful evening with your friends Debbie and Dominic.

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