Friday, September 18, 2009

What will the neighbors say?

Our nice next-door neighbors, the ones who watered my garden and picked up and threw away the rotting pears in the back yard and who came over to the house not once but twice when the cat-feeder was here to make sure it wasn't criminals breaking in and stealing SH's phone bills from 1997 and who picked the ripe tomatoes last Saturday and left them in the kitchen so we would have some are trying to sell their house.

I don't want them to move. I want them to stay. A, I like them and B, who knows what we would get instead? When my nice neighbors in Memphis couldn't sell their house, they rented it to a bunch of tattooed, pierced, skateboarders. There's nothing wrong with tattooed, pierced skateboarders but you do not want them next door when all they do is sit on the porch and smoke with all their tattooed, pierced, skateboarding friends and take the occasional break to skateboard on your street. This is not good for property values, plus they are noisy.

Julia Claire, my former neighbor, and her unlicensed sidewalk enterprise.

So far, they have had no luck, but this afternoon, when I was out watering my great-grandmother's roses that I dug up from my aunt's garden and transplanted into mine as a defense system because if these things take off, nothing will get past their thorns, a woman with one of those nasty, yappy dogs with her came up and started asking me questions about R and E's house. R and E were not at home because they, unlike me, are productive, contributing members of society. I am a gold-digging leech who spends her husband's hard-earned money on the Good Socks and lusts after $300 purses.

Anyhow. This woman wants to know how much the house costs. I don't know. I don't care. We have a conversation something like this:

Woman: We're just not sure about the neighborhood.

I think that's odd, because I did a ton of research before we bought our house and this is a neighborhood with great schools, high owner occupancy, and houses that hold their value.

Me: I like living here.

Woman: Yes, but we're concerned about the direction the neighborhood is taking, if you know what I mean.

No. I don't know what she means. The neighborhood has nice people in it who have jobs and who keep their grass cut. What else does she want?

Me: I think it's fine.

[What I should have said: What do you mean, "the direction the neighborhood is taking?"]

Woman: Blah blah blah Schools [this is one of the better school districts in the area], blah blah blah Do they have air conditioning? [in WISCONSIN? She cares about A/C in WISCONSIN?] blah blah blah Oh that yard is so small.

Me: It's a nice house. Stone exterior. Who wants a big yard? It's just more to cut.

[What I should have said: Yep. Crappy schools. No A/C. Tiny, nasty yard. You don't want to live here. Because I don't want you and your loud, obnoxious dog as neighbors.]

I need to cast a hex on her.

1 comment:

John0 Juanderlust said...

I can't believe you let the thrill of argument cloud the path to your best self interest. Yea, that neighborhood direction is troubling. Yard? I'd call that a place mat! etc. Geez.