Sunday, October 18, 2009

Marriage 201, Lecture 492: Pain, or, Nobody knows the suffering I've seen

My husband is suffering. He is in pain, pain I tell you. Or he will tell you. You don't even have to ask. It's all my fault for making him go to the doctor.

This festering incision in his leg? The one that has discharged about two teaspoons of fluid* since Tuesday? The one that has some pinkness around it? The one that smells a tiny little bit** if you put a day-old bandage just under your nose? The one that has caused no fever? The one that requires him to spend seven minutes a day washing and changing the dressing? (It would take a normal person three minutes, but he is very, very picky.)

The mobile hospital SH has established in our bathroom.

This incision is awful, he tell you. Oh, the suffering. Oh, will I not feel his pain? How can I not pity him as he goes through this ordeal? What he is experiencing is far worse than say,

Cramps that make you throw up and long for death

A mammogram***

A pap smear

Any female problem that requires a local anesthesia applied to female parts and the subsequent scraping of these parts

The humiliation of overflowing your pad while you are wearing your white pants and you don't even realize it until you get off the school bus home

Headaches once or twice a week that your doctor calls "migraines" and you say But I don't have an aura and the doctor says They're migraines and you say Whatever just give me drugs and then vicodin doesn't even work**** but imitrex does. Sometimes. And it makes you feel sick to your stomach and icky all day.

* My definition of "oozing and filling a bandage" are different from SH's.

** My definition of "stinky" is not something that has to be held to the nose to be detected. A "smelly" infected incision should cause passers-by to hold their breath. Breaths. Whatever.

** According to my friend A, to whom the Boob Fairy endowed far more than she did to me, a mammogram does not hurt at all. "It's just two big ol' slabs of meat," she said. Alas, when one does not have two big ol' slabs of meat but delicate two-ounce fillets of cod, it does hurt to have them smashed and pulled and twisted.

**** It doesn't even make you high, which really ticks you off.


Anonymous Mother said...

Or LABOR PAINS--which I experienced for the first time 46 years ago tonight...

CF is my eldest, so you can all do the math and figure out who will be having a birthday tomorrow.

MrScribbler said...

Perhaps you might offer to amputate the affected limb for him....

I hear those new transistorized Japanese replacement limbs are pretty darn good!

Melissa said...

I've been lucky with cramps, but have had migraines that make me throw up and long for death. Not fun stuff.

Gotta concur with your friend on the mammograms. I've only had one (had it a few years earlier than normal recommendations as a precautionary measure), and it was not painful at all. Of course, I'm rather, um, chesty. :D

And happy (early) birthday!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Men and pain....pathetic!
I've had migraines (imitrex helps, especially the injectables) AND labor. I'd prefer labor and the C-section...

Lindy said...

My migraines were triggered by certain foods - mostly aged cheeses (e.g., brie, blue cheese, and parmesan), red wine, beer, and sour dough bread. I rarely get bad headaches anymore if I avoid these foods.

The latest mammogram equipment makes the test a little less painful.