Wednesday, November 04, 2009

How to fix the internet without The Engineer

1. Reset the router. Walk upstairs. Keep Laverne out of SH's office. Try to keep Laverne out of SH's office. Laverne does not want to stay out of SH's office. Laverne misses SH. SH is the treat giver. I am the main feeder and the poop scooper, but SH is the treat giver, so he is the Loved One.

2. Check the network connection. Yes, the signal is strong. Darnit.

Shirley always finds the warmest place.

3. Blame Microsoft and the stupid Windows upgrade that it just forced on me. Try disconnecting the firewall even though Windows says No! Don't do it! It's DANGEROUS! Nope. Doesn't make a difference. Reinstate firewall.

4. Reboot computer to see if that works. Nope.

5. Turn on radio and crank it. It works with the car sometimes.

6. Start another computer to see if the problem might be with the HP and not with the internet. Nope.

7. Turn on TV -- does cable work? Our cable and internet are on the same line. The TV is working, so the problem is IN THE HOUSE. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

8. This means I have to call Time Warner. I can do that. But how? I cannot look up their number online because I cannot get online. I cannot look at their bill because we have online billing. Irony of irony, I cannot get their number from the TV, which usually does not work and usually flashes the TW phone number instead because for the first time in about six months, the TV IS WORKING without three re-bootings of the cable box. And of course we do not have a phone book. Who has a phone book any more? As soon as the phone book hits our front step, I toss it in the trash. Well, the recycling. When SH moved out of his apartment, he had five years' worth of phone books, not one of which had ever been opened, but now I get to them before he does. So I call my friend Lenore and she looks it up for me. No, I am not going to call Information and pay $1 for them to look it up. Am I crazy?

9. I call. Their telephony system recognizes our phone number and our account. Routes me to a CSR, who asks for our phone number and does not recognize our account. Does not recognize SH's email address. Or his cellphone number. Or our home address. But he sends me to the wireless guy anyhow. Who has me reset the router. And the modem. The internet still doesn't work. But then he has me push the blue button on top of the modem and abracadabra, it works.


LPC said...

Here's to more blue buttons in life.

Lindy said...

I agree with LPC about more blue buttons. And by the way, you saved $1.50 by not calling directory assistance if you have AT&T.

I once had an interview at Time Warner Cable. The irony was that at the time I didn't have cable. During the interview, the guy said to me, "Do you believe there are people who don't have cable? Who are these people? Are they living under rocks?"

class-factotum said...

Oh LPC. The Blue Button of Life. To reset everything so it all works. Where can I get one of those?

Lindy. Before I married SH, not only did I not have cable, I didn't even have a TV. So of course I OD'd on What Not To Wear and Bridezilla when I would visit him for the first year we were dating.

I haven't watched much TV since we moved into the house in June 2008 because I am too lazy to walk down to the basement and because I have now seen all the episodes of WNTW. And I have discovered that I can get Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, and Big Love on DVD, which is far more efficient than waiting a week between episodes and suffering through commercials.

SH does watch the occasional baseball or hockey game, though. And The Game last Sunday. Alas.

Ptolemy said...

Had a cat pushed the blue button so as to CAUSE the problem in the first place? ;-)

Melissa said...

I hate being so dependant on something that is so prone to breaking down...

Anonymous said...

It is remarkable, very amusing idea