Friday, April 30, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 32: I told you so

The worst part about my mp3 player dying a slow death during body pump, which has the absolute worst music in the world, so bad that I thought about just wearing the earbuds as earplugs even though I couldn't get my PHILIPS mp3 player to stay on,* isn't that I had to listen to the body pump music, although that is awful. Do they get a good deal on bad music? Is that what it is? Royalties are lower for loud, nasty, non-melodic music?

No. The worst part is that SH is going to gloat that see? this is why we should never throw anything away because didn't I nag him about putting those SIX YEAR OLD TRADE SHOW FREE MP3 PLAYERS in the Goodwill box, where they sat in the basement for five months until two weeks ago when I took them to Goodwill.

If I hadn't nagged him and made him toss them, I would be the proud owner of a SIX YEAR OLD TRADE SHOW FREE MP3 PLAYER right now and would not be having to look for a new one.

* Was it because I dared to correct the time? I touched other buttons. Could be.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Chats du jour: Stopping to eat the peonies II

Why yes that is a splint on the peony stem. Why is there a splint on the peony stem? Because Shirley thought I wasn't feeding her fast enough so she decided to eat the flowers instead."Fast enough" = 7:02 a.m. after Laverne woke me at 6:54 a.m., an hour earlier than I wanted to arise and their usual feeding time.

They are locked in the basement for a while.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 691: But I wouldn't be able to see my boyfriend as much

SH: Does the fact that I travel so much make our marriage easier or harder?

Me: Both.

SH: Why?

Me: If you were here all the time, we'd be able to settle into a routine.

SH: That's a good thing?

Me: Yes.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 43: You're not doing it right

SH: Now I have to do chores at two houses.

Me: What's the other one?

SH: My parents'.

Me: No. The other one beside your parents'.

SH: Ours!

Me: What chores do you have to do here?*

SH: I have to re-caulk the bathtub.

Me: No you don't. I would do it but you don't want me to do it.

SH: Because you wouldn't do it right.

Me: Whatever.**

* I do the cooking and cleaning and yardwork.

** Again, I point out that I owned my house in Memphis for eight years and did all maintenance on that house except electrical stuff,*** including re-caulking the tub. I also repaired the attic fan, replaced two broken windows, and did that thing with fuses when the power goes out.

*** My boyfriend John did some things for me, like install a motion-sensor light on the front porch. He was great.

Marriage 201, Lecture 444: Save big money at Menards and at Sendik's

I really shouldn't complain about all the little bargains SH picks up at Menards because I do the same thing. Nothing better than saving money and by "saving," I mean spending less than the regular price. Not "not buying the item at all."

Although I have to say that the tupperware-like containers that keep produce fresh for two weeks might not have been necessary. As I pointed out to SH, we don't keep our produce for longer than two weeks anyhow, unless you are talking about apples and potatoes and they do not go bad. He informed me that there was a rebate on these containers and he was keeping them so there. Whatever. At least he had returned the plastic bags that kept produce fresh for two weeks.

And I have to say that when I buy a bargain, it is usually something that we already use and I have just gotten a better deal on it. Like grapes at the produce bargain counter. Or Miller's Bakery pretzel rolls on the day-old counter, except that rarely happens because they don't last that long.

Or it is something we could use and I would never pay retail. Like Gia Russa Spicy Alla Vodka tomato sauce made from "hand-selected imported Italian plum tomatoes." Doesn't that sound yummy? Usually, I make my own tomato sauce because frankly, I am a way better cook than almost any food company and it's cheaper to make my own, but this was $3.99 in the bargain bin, which is not that much more expensive than homemade and, as you see, it is imported. That means "better." Plus sometimes I want to make pizza but don't want to go through the hassle of making a sauce first.

Who would turn down a box (or three) of Triple Chocolate Chunk brownie mix for $1.99/box? Bargain! Mix brownies are almost as good as homemade and if you're taking them to a bake sale where nobody will know you made them, that's not too shabby. I save the Good Chocolate, which makes brownies more expensive, for my friends. Not that I would turn up my nose at mix brownies, no sir. But again - sometimes you just want to open a box, mix it with water, and pop it in the oven.

And of course I had to get the bottle of imitation Bailey's that had a $3 rebate. I don't drink that much, but when I do, I want whiskey-flavored cream mixed with more cream. Yes, it's a low cal drink. Why do you ask?

The only thing I got tricked into buying was the bread. Full price. From the bakery. They had samples out and I tried one and it was really good. As I was walking away, the bakery lady asked if I needed anything. I should have said "no" and kept on going, but I felt guilty about sampling when I had no intention to buy, so replied, "What is that you have out for sampling? It's really good." She answered that it was the honey sesame whole wheat whatever loaf and did I want some.

My resistance was already weak because they had been blowing cookie air out by the front door of the store, so I told her yes. Darn you, cookie-air free-six-ounce-coffee bread-samples Sendik's! You break down my will with your heady, just out of the oven chocolate chip cookie aroma, then entice me to your bakery with the promise of Wicked Brownie samples and bread samples and maybe something on the day-old shelf. Darn you!

After that, I said what the heck and got three new cheeses (Abergele with five peppercorns, Cheshire with mushrooms and chives, Cheshire with rosemary) and even got flowers. Peonies.

Yes. I am weak.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 782: Long-distance kibbutzing

Me: Guess what I'm doing?

SH: What?

Me: Leaving dishes in the sink overnight.

SH: Oh no!

Me: Guess what else?

SH: What?

Me: I'm wearing your Rice sweatshirt.

SH: You're not supposed to wear that! You're supposed to wear the Summerfest one. What else are you doing wrong? Setting the kitchen on fire? Making copies? Putting the wrong thing into the safe deposit box?

Me: Yeah. Whatever. Hey. Guess what Laverne keeps doing? She keeps pulling the coffee pod from the compost bowl and taking it to the floor, but then she discovers she doesn't like it.

SH: You're probably not wiping the floor! [I'm not. It's a little bit of water. Whatever.] What are all the things you're not doing right?

I could never let go of my ego

I don't want to be ugly, but yoga is the stupidest exercise class I have ever attended.

I went yesterday. My YMCA finally stopped charging extra for yoga and pilates and all the other trendy classes, so I thought I'd give them a try. No, I have not tried pilates yet, but if it's full of that touchy-feely stuff, I am not interested.

I hated the class for many reasons. First of all, you have to take off your shoes and socks. I do not get squeamish about many things,* but standing barefoot in a place where strangers have been barefoot before me is one of the few things that grosses me out. I hate showering in a shower that has not been cleaned since the previous person used it, if that previous person is unknown to me. I don't mind using the shower of a friend, but no strangers, please. I clean the shower in the guest bath every time we have company just in case someone else has the same neurosis.

So yeah - I don't want to be barefoot AT THE GYM where everyone else has been sweaty barefoot before me. Plus I need a pedicure and I didn't want everyone looking at my gnarly toes.

Second, the music is stupid. It's quiet and relaxing and hello, this is an exercise class, I don't need to be relaxed. I especially do not want to be relaxed by rap yoga music. Yes. Rap yoga music exists. You'd think the "rap" and the "yoga" would cancel each other out, but this is not the case.

Third, it's boring. You strike a pose and hold it. And hold it. And hold it.

Fourth, and this is the main reason I HATE YOGA, is the instructor does not shut up. It would be OK if she were telling us what move to do next, but she's not. She talks constantly - constantly - saying things about "Honoring your space" and "Let go of your ego" and "Find your center" and "Be at peace with yourself and if you're at peace with yourself, you'll be at peace with others because we are all connected."

I wanted to punch her in the nose.

I will not be returning. My shoe-covered feet and I will stick with boot camp.

* I don't get bothered at other people's blood, but I can't stand my own and I can't watch someone getting a shot in the movies. I can, however, remove my hair from the draintrap in the shower, change a diaper, or fix a clogged toilet with no problem.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Sign from God or a lesson

Yesterday, my friend Lois and I went to the big consignment sale at the Elm Grove Women's Club. It's a like a giant opening of your friends' closets, with all the good clothes, because this is a swanky neighborhood and rich ladies don't wear their clothes too many times before they get rid of them.

Even the running shoes were almost new. I wear mine for months, until my feet start to hurt, then toss them in the trash or use them for gardening, but I would never donate my old tennies because even The Poor don't want my nasty old shoes. They'd rather be barefoot.

I did get this little evening purse. When SH and I go to the theatah, we Dress. Even though other people around us are in jeans. I live my life in gym clothes, so I welcome the chance to wear a nice dress. But the big, everyday purse spoils the look. This purse is a little more fun, isn't it? And it was only $10. The question now is will there be room for the chocolate we sneak in with us?

I found a few things - two dresses, jeans. And a red purse.

I have been coveting a new purse for a long time. I am in year 3 of the crocodile-skin purse SH and my sister bid against each other for on eBay. It is time for a new purse, although this one has not worn out. I do have a white Dooney and Bourke summer purse I got last year at Goodwill, but I am feeling the need for a change. I need some color in my life. Time to be bold and say, "Begone!" with the safe, matches everything accessories.

My first thought was to go with the zebra-print purse Talbot's had last winter. I have been tracking Talbot's purses on eBay, but no zebra has appeared yet. Maybe that's not all bad. Sometimes, I need to be talked down from my ongapatchkeyedness. Left to my own devices, I would be in all animal print, all the time. My inner tacky is always dying to get out, but it is contained by my outer fear of being mocked by the cool women I don't know at the gym or the grocery store. Safer just to stick with plain, unpatterned clothes and modest jewelry.

My next thought was a red purse. Red. The new black. And there, like a sign from God, was a red purse at the sale. Red with turquoise blue insets in the sides. Oh so pretty. But - was it leather? I didn't know the brand (Hobo) and there was nothing inside that claimed leather materials. Usually, manufacturers want to assure consumers that a product is made of a nice material and not crap. But in this case there was nothing. I couldn't look it up because I don't have a google phone. Lois opined that it looked like leather - that vinyl is usually shinier. But I couldn't act. Couldn't risk $18 on something that might fall apart after just a little while.

So I put it back. Thought about hiding it. I would have hidden it, which I know is cheating, except there wasn't anywhere to hide it. I did tuck it way in the corner of the other purses, though.

When I got home, I looked up the brand. Guess what? It IS leather. I decided I had to have it. But not badly enough to return to the sale immediately. It will be there in the morning, I thought.


It wasn't.

I looked everywhere. I looked under all the other purses. In the shoes. Under the scarves. It was gone.

Either someone else hid it better than I did or someone else bought it.

That [insert nasty name here].

Someone else who had the sense to say, "Eighteen dollars? That's only four in beer units."

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 312: Not my job

Me: Omigosh! Look at the plant [in the upstairs bathroom]!

SH: What?

Me: It's almost dead!

SH: Really?

Me: Didn't you notice? This is the bathroom you use.

SH: Nope.

Me: I just watered it last week. I guess it's a lot hotter in here than it has been. Why didn't you water it?

SH: I didn't notice.

Me: How can you not notice a huge plant ON THE COUNTER?

SH: I don't pay attention to things like that. It's like when we're at the airport and you say, "Look at the lady with the blue tattoo on her face." I have a mission and I ignore anything that detracts from that mission. People are just shapes to be avoided. I certainly don't pay attention to plants.

Me: OK. Would you do me a favor and water it the next time it looks this droopy?

SH: That's not my job!

Me: Then TELL ME that the plant is NEAR DEATH and I will water it. Sheesh.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 429: If you can't stand the heat, or, I'm not responsible

What happened was that SH wanted me to fry the chicken skin from the chicken breasts I got to make that Thai Basil Chicken recipe from Cooks Illustrated. I didn't buy the boneless skinless breasts because they were $4.99/lb and the bony skinny ones were only $0.99/lb and I'll skin and bone to save $4/lb. Call me what you want but I am not Lazy. OK, I am lazy, but not when it comes to money. If it is a tossup between saving money and being lazy, I will pick saving money every time, even if it means I have to work. If it comes to exercising, I will pick lazy. But money? That's different.

But the real problem is our stove, which I hate with the heat of a thousand white suns. Have you ever worked with that stupid, stupid smoothtop stove? Whose idea was that, anyhow? Pain in the neck to clean, welcoming to cats who fight being ejected from it, hard to know which burner is on.

These are the burn marks. If this had happened when SH was away, I bet he never would have noticed. I wouldn't have. I am getting used to them. They give the floor character.

Yes. Hard to know which burner is on. Why? Because it's not a GAS STOVE. Gas is the only kind of stove worth having. Electric works like this: on/off/on/off. No such thing as a constant temperature, which means that your Calphalon Non-stick pan will get ruined even at medium temperatures because "medium" = "redhot/off/redhot/off/redhot/off" instead of "medium flame that gives a nice constant temperature that can be adjusted instantaneously."

Why do we not have a gas stove? Because the guy who redid our house REMOVED THE GAS STOVE AND CUT THE GAS LINE SO HE COULD INSTALL ELECTRIC.

And why have we not replaced that electric stove with gas and re-installed the gas line?


Oh alimony how I hate you.

(A reminder to new readers - I am not the reason SH's first marriage broke up. I met him several years after it was over. It is a marriage that never should have happened in the first place, unless you think it is a good idea for a 24-year-old man to marry a 36-year-old woman with two kids. Granted, she was super cute, but yeah. Bad idea. The only good that came from it are SH's two fabulous stepdaughters, whom we just love, and his ex mother in law, to whom he still sends a Mother's Day card every year.)

So you see how IT'S NOT MY FAULT. It's because SH wanted the chicken skins fried, because Pick and Save didn't have skinless breast on sale, and because we have an electric stove.

I broke one of these plates years ago and replaced it with the one on the bottom. See how it doesn't look like the others? It's been driving SH crazy since I met him, but I haven't thought it worth a trip to Crate and Barrel to look for just one plate. But now that two of the set are gone, I went. And got the two plates on top. Which still don't really match and SH says we have to keep them on the bottom where they won't ruin the aesthetics of the stack. We have had dinner parties with 12 people at our house before, which has meant pulling plates from other sets before AND NOBODY HAS COMPLAINED. But maybe they went home and said, "Oh that Class Factotum. The food was great and all but did you see the plates? For shame."

Naturally, I did what any logical, time-optimizing person would do. I started frying the skins and the bones. I took the other chicken bones out of the freezer, put them in a kettle, covered them with water, and put them on the back burner to start cooking. I turned on the back burner.

Then I put a paper towel on a plate and put the plate on the front burner next to the frying pan. Our stove is set in an alcove (bad, bad design), which means no counter next to the stove (and means anything that spatters spatters on the walls).

It wasn't until I had put the dripping-grease fried, salted chicken skins on the plate and tried to pick it up to move it to the counter that I noticed that the plate was hot.

Why was it hot?

You know.

Because instead of turning on the back burner for the stock, I had turned on the front burner.

With a gas stove, you notice that kind of mistake right away. Because you, you know, SEE THE FLAMES.





On stovetop and on floor.

Try to pick up the pieces.

Still hot.

OK. Wait until cool.

What's that smell?

Oh. Just the floor burning.

Chats du jour: Cat, plate

This is the plate I didn't break when it got too hot but it is a replacement plate for one I broke years ago. SH has never liked this replacement plate. Now that two of the set are gone, it is time to get good replacements.

Marriage 201, Lecture 332: Non-erotic zone

Me: Stop it!

SH: What? I'm not touching it [my belly button].

Me: For every time you do [try to get to my belly button], I am adding a day to the date you are allowed to touch it.* You're up to 49 years, eight months and 13 days now.

SH: You can't change the bellybutton rules!

Me: Yes I can. My body, my choice.

SH: Does that mean you're pro-choice?

Me: When it comes to my bellybutton, yes.


SH: By the time 50 years comes up, you're going to have forgotten about those [penalty] days.

* I told SH he could put his finger in my belly button on our 50th anniversary.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Chats du jour: Cat, hat

Wisconsin 101: Smokin' hot

At the K-Mart garden center.

Retiree customer: I tink about dose tobacco executives making a million bucks a year salary and it makes me sick. I quit after 40 years. Smoking got me true a war and loss.

Me: There's always chocolate.

RC: I know! I would go to da Fleet Farm and get da four-pound box of non pareleys and da raisinets. Now my glucose is true da roof. Ain't dat a kick in da pants?

Marriage 201, Lecture 390: Fire too

Coming up later today. My pyromaniacal adventures continue when I almost set fire to the kitchen floor.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 852: Eating right

Items SH considers to be a serving of produce:

One of Julie's lemon bars
A slice of Manolo for the Big Girl's Basil Mint Rye zucchini bread
Apple crisp
Pear tart
Molly Watson's Chocolate buckwheat cookies (not technically produce, but they are made with buckwheat, so they count as "healthful")
An apple fritter
The Pioneer Woman's cream cheese stuffed bacon wrapped jalapenos

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 991: Honeydos

Me: If you're not going to do that tax thing, would you find the lamp thingie* so I can repair the lamp?

SH: I've already done a chore today!

Me: What?

SH: Brought the Corvair back from Bonnie and Gary's.

Me: That doesn't count.

SH: Why not?

Me: Because I don't care about that car.

SH: It does count! It's going to involve work in the garage [so the car will fit]. I'll be getting the yard waste bin down.

* From when the lamp that we rewired blew up ten minutes before my book club friends showed up and left my house smelling like an electrical fire, which is appropriate because it was indeed an electrical fire.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 550: Les impos

Me: Would you increase the withholding, please?

SH: You mean you don't want a [huge] refund next year?

Me: You mean I don't want to make an interest-free loan to the government next year?

SH: You forget. "Government" has a positive connotation for me.

Marriage 201, Lecture 301: Oh baby

SH: Do you want wxyz?

Me: Oh yeah. You already have me hot. We've argued about politics, we've talked about your parents, and you've farted. Let's go.

SH: I have not farted!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 39: Our hobbies - food and moral equivalency

SH: I feel fat. My pants are tight. We eat too much.

SH: For supper, I'm going to have the orange in my briefcase and then get some Ben & Jerry's ice cream when I get to Minneapolis [airport].

Me: I thought you just said you feel fat.

SH: Ben & Jerry's trumps feeling fat. There is the fact that I feel fat and the facts that I am tired and overworked and deserve ice cream. Plus it's free. Or the equivalent of being free, because I can expense it as my supper.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 482: He only likes Serious Drama

SH: This [Good Hair] looks like a good movie [as we are watching previews].

Me: Yes. It is.

SH: Would you get it so we can watch it?

Me: I had it last week. I asked you if you wanted to watch it with me. You said no!

SH: Oh. But it looks good.

Me: I know! I even asked you once I had started it if you were sure because I thought you might like it!

SH: Really? Well, would you get it again?

[Next preview, for "I Can Do Bad All By Myself"]

Me: You probably don't want to watch that with me. It's chick flicky.

SH: I don't know. It looks like it might be good.

Me: I didn't think you would be interested in a Tyler Perry movie.

SH: But this looks good. I might want to see it.

Me: I asked you before and you said no!

SH: But it looks good.

Me: OK.

Chats du jour: Cat on the Box

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Chats du jour: Trapped

Marriage 201, Lecture 445: Oh no! Making copies, part deux

Our new wrought-iron flower box, above the tulips my friend Anita gave us as a wedding present. Finally. Something for that space.

SH: There are some things you can't put into beer units! If you use ten dollars of toner instead of one dollar of ink, there is no benefit.

Me: As opposed to the benefit of spending more for beer at a bar than at home?

Marriage 201, Lecture 445: Oh no! Making copies

Me: I got a safe deposit box today.

SH [on phone from Boston]: OK.

Me: So that's done. I put the wills in there.

SH: What?!

Me: Um. Yeah. That's why we needed the safe deposit box.

SH: Where did you get the copies?

Me: I made them. Duh.

SH: On my copier?

Me: Yes.

SH: Oh no! Oh no!

Me: What?

SH: What if you didn't do it right?

Me: How hard is it to lay a piece of paper on the glass and press 'copy?'

SH: You didn't do them on the laser printer?

Me: What? I didn't even know that made copies. I did them on the fax.

SH: Oh no! No! Oh no!

Me: What's the big deal?

SH: But you used all the Good Toner!

Me: I asked if I should just copy them at the library and you said it would be cheaper to do them at home.

SH: ON THE LASER PRINTER! Why didn't you just wait for me?

Me: Because I wanted to get it done.

SH: But you used the GOOD TONER! It's EXPENSIVE!!

Me: Oh for pete's sake. How much does it cost in beer units?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Milwaukee 101 - At the reading to kids program

Me: Should you put lipstick on a cow?

Kid: No! Lipstick is for girls. It goes on the pig.

Me: Is it silly to send a letter to a cow?

Kid: No!

Me: Can a cow read?

Kid: No!

Me: Is it silly to send a letter to a cow?

Kid: Yes! How she gonna hold it? In her mouf?

Kid [about the naughty animals]: Oooh, they gonna get a whupping and go to they room and cry like this: wah wah wah!

Kid 1: You smell so good. Smell her hand. It smell like beach.

Kid 2: They smell like doctors.

Kid [about duck in the toilet]: They washing they dirty self.

Me: What happened to your teeth?

Kid: They fell out when I was playing.

Me: Then what happened?

Kid: My mama got mad.

Me: Then what?

Kid: What is it who flies [flaps arms]?

Me: The tooth fairy?

Kid: Then the tooth fairy come and get the tooth and leave me a dollar.

Me: How are you going to eat?

Kid: On the side.

My first date with SH

When the check came, it lay on the table as if it had cement shoes, manacles and anthrax. It was ringing a bell and shouting, “Unclean! Unclean!” I finally realized that he wasn’t going to pick it up. Those darn California women had ruined him. Good grief. Write this guy off. No second date, that’s for sure. California women might have ruined him, but southern men had ruined me. Even on blind dates in Memphis, The Man Pays. Period.

The rest here.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 390: Fire

Me: So does Menards have any fire extinguishers on sale?

SH: Why?

Me: Remember how I left the doughnuts in the oven and the plastic melted?*

SH: Yes. You're paranoid.

Me: No, I'm not. The plastic didn't melt and drip, but some sugar must have because there was a teeny tiny little fire [that burned itself out in about two heart-stopping minutes] in the bottom of the oven.

SH: Oh no!

Me: That's why I didn't tell you. I knew you would freak out.

* Plastic #5 is not recycled here but it melts just fine in the oven** when you forget to remove the doughnut box before you heat*** the oven to make lemon bars.

** SH thinks the doughnuts are contaminated now which is fine with me because it means more doughnuts for me hahahahahaha.

** I hate the term "pre-heat," don't you? You can't "pre" a verb.

Marriage 201, Lecture 886: Waiting

Me: Bye, sweetie. I'll be back in an hour.

SH: Oh good. I've been holding in a bunch of farts.

Marriage 201, Lecture 325: Because I said so

SH: Why don't you like these cookies as much as I do?

SH: Why did you say that this issue [of Cooks Illustrated] is boring?

SH: Why don't you like that song?

SH: Why didn't you like that movie?

Me: I don't know.

Me: Because.

Me: Quit interrogating me.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 539: They say it's your birthday

SH: Will you go out to karaoke with me on my birthday [in May]?

Me: Yes.

SH: Everyone will be buying me shots [for my birthday]. You might have to drive home.

Me: You don't have to tell them it's your birthday, you know.

SH: Oh. Right.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Chats du jour: Trapped in the Big House

Does it make me totally gullible (it does make me like my vet more) that the whole time he was with Laverne and Shirley, he kept saying to them, "You're so cute. You're so cute!"

He probably says that to all the cats.

Except I think Laverne and Shirley really are so cute. Am I biased? Am I wrong?

I have had a glimpse of how easy it is to please a mother: "Your baby is gorgeous!"

Except almost all new babies look like little bald monkeys to me. They don't start to look good until they are a few months old and have some fat on them. But new mothers believe it and beam and everyone is happy and I don't have to feel guilty for lying because "gorgeous" can be interpreted in so many ways, such as, "All ten fingers and toes! Healthy!" and not just, "Wow. You should call a modeling agency right now."

The vet was so fast with the shot this year that Shirley didn't even have a chance to get a puffy tail. He didn't need to put the mask on her. Which is a shame, because that's the exact reason I took my camera. Is that wrong? That I wanted to take photos of my cats' suffering?

He was surprised - wondered if they would remember next year and if he would need it then. I told him no. Laverne doesn't hold a grudge and Shirley isn't that bright.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 882: Not letting the terrorists win

Half a block from our house, driving home from going out for sushi:

SH: See? I can put it in coast right here...

Me: Oh good grief.

SH: And then just use a little brake [as he turns into our driveway]...

Me: Uh huh.

SH: It save gas!

Chats du jour: Not The Rememberer


Last year.

Oh yes we're going to have some fun this afternoon going to the vet.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 858: We might starve, but we'll have clean toilets, or, The Nelson Bunker Hunt of the toilet bowl supplies

Yes. What you see is toilet bowl cleaner. Five bottles of toilet bowl cleaner. Plus one of those overpriced one-use toilet bowl cleaner on a stick thingies in the back. SH bought that way before I ever met him. I would never spend extra money on something like that because I am cheap. I mean thrifty. Yes. I will clean a toilet by hand rather than spend five times as much for something wasteful.

SH has bought all of the toilet-cleaning fluids that you see above. Plus the other bottle in the downstairs basement. The big bottles were on sale at Menards (but you knew that). When SH came home victorious from the hunt, I told him I didn't like that kind of cleaner and had been waiting to use up what was left so I could get something else and would he please stop buying cleaning supplies because I know what I like and I want to make the decisions.

His solution?

Not to return the stuff I didn't like ("It was only 99 cents!") but to get some of another kind.

This is what happens when two control freaks marry each other.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 489: Save big money

SH got me a compost bin yesterday. It was on sale. At Menards. My plan was just to get some chicken wire and attach it to the fence, but this bin. On sale. Menards. It's like heroin to a junkie. SH can't resist.

SH: What's your plan for storing the stuff before it goes into the bin?

Me: I'm just going to keep it in a bowl on the counter.

SH: My parents have one of those little composting bins that they keep next to the sink.

Me: Yeah. Those are disgusting. A bowl. That I empty every day.

SH: But what about winter?

Me: Like the sink thingy would be less disgusting in the winter?

Marriage 201, Lecture 692: We don't share an email address either

SH: What are you doing?

Me: Duh. Throwing my junk mail into the recycling.

SH: But I didn't get to look at it. You didn't even open it.*

Me: So what? It's addressed to me.

SH: But it came to our house. I get to look at it.

Me: Leave me alone. I get to make the decisions about my own mail.

* SH opens and seriously considers every single piece of mail he gets, including the letter from the Hospice Institute. And then he complains that he has no free time.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 234: The other white meat

At the meat class at Bolzano's last night:

Me: Oh! Let's get some guanaciale, too.

I didn't even tear the fat off this before I ate it. Am I no longer a bad bacon eater?


Me: More! It's Ilene's 40th birthday. We can send it to her as a present.

SH: Oh yeah!

Me: And some Paletilla Hungara.

SH: What! We can't send this to her. She's not eating pork any more.

Me: Crap. Oh well. More for us.

SH: We could send it anyhow to tempt her.

Me: That is mean.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Chats du jour: Diva

It's not like SH wanted to read the paper or anything.

Marriage 201, Lecture 49: Too many chefs

SH: Chop up that [smoked] pork into really small pieces [for the omelet] so the flavor will be enhanced.

Me: Thanks. I never would have thought of that.

SH: Oh yeah. I guess you know what you're doing with food.

Chats du jour: Repeat

Me: Shirley threw up this morning right after she ate.

SH: Oh no!

Me: She threw up everything in her stomach then started to eat it again.

SH: Yuck!

Me: I let her eat it so it would be less for me to clean up.

Friday, April 02, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 923: We talk about it but don't do anything

Me: I took the rug out from under the bed.

SH: Uh huh.

Me: I changed from the flannel sheets to the regular ones.

SH: Yeah.

Me: The windows are open for the first time in months.

SH: Yes!

Me: Should we put the [bedroom space] heater away?

We both think about this. I think about my mother, who had snow for her prom. In May. SH thinks about global warming and cold days at Summerfest.

SH: Probably not.

Me: You're right. It would be like throwing a gauntlet in the face of fate.

Marriage 201, Lecture 77: Vive le difference or whatever

Me: I had more of that [carrot cake frozen custard from Oscar's] and then had to hide it from myself.

SH: If I want more custard, I just have it and don't feel bad about it.

Me: That's because you're a man.