Friday, May 14, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 394: My bellybutton remains unviolated

SH decided he would rather have me accompany him to the bar than stick his finger in my bellybutton, so I steeled myself for a night of loud music, cigarette smoke, and drunks. First, we had this negotiation.

Me: How long do I have to stay?

SH: 1:00?

Me: 1:00 my time or your time?

SH: 1:00 is 1:00!

Me: Oh yeah right. Really. 1:00 my time or your time?

SH: OK. 1:00 your time unless I am the next person to sing. Then we have to wait.

Me: Fine.

We went out to eat, although we had our cake first at home. I highly recommend the "lowfat" chocolate souffle cake in The Joy of Cooking. Substitute half and half for skim milk and throw in some chocolate chips. It's even better that way.

We had these mushroom ravioli that SH raved about and mused that too bad he couldn't get food like that at home, which I took as an insult, informing him that I could make ravioli just fine, thank you very much. But there are four kinds of mushrooms in this! he said. Yeah so what? I answered. But it's ravioli! he said.

Yeah that's just square pasta or WONTON WRAPPERS IF YOU WANT TO CHEAT I told him. Honestly the man was raised by wolves.

We came home and checked our facebook and email because we cannot be untethered from the eworld for very long, then tried to leave for the bar. SH went out to put on his new CD, which involves getting into the trunk and re-arranging everything to get to the CD holder because nothing ever stays the way he likes it, especially because I picked up the lawnmower from sharpening the other day and MOVED THINGS and he hates the way I move things and don't put them back EXACTLY AS HE HAD THEM. While he was measuring and rearranging, I opened the door and the cats escaped, which they have never, ever done before.

Actually, it was just Shirley. I caught Laverne before she got out. I didn't even see Shirley go. Shirley never has any interest in going outside. It's Laverne who wants to sit in the yard and eat grass and catch mice and then brag about it, which means they escape because she has them in her mouth but has not killed them. Shirley wants to stay inside in her box lined with Marissa's baby blanket.

But I didn't know it was Shirley until I went back inside to double check. I found Laverne but no Shirley. SH freaked out. He accused me of letting Shirley out on purpose so I wouldn't have to go to the bar, which was not the case, but was an excellent idea and I wish I had thought of it.

I got the food box, took it outside and shook it like a maraca. You know, that noise maker thingie? It didn't bring Shirley back, but it attracted Laverne to the side door, where she whined loudly.

SH stomped to the closet to get the yardstick, growling that his birthday was ruined, RUINED. We found Shirley under the car. SH batted at her with the yardstick and I grabbed her when she was close enough. I yelled at her, calling her a little you know what, but SH said she was sweet and it was my fault for letting her out. I reminded him that I am the one who makes him chocolate cake, buster.

We got to the bar about five minutes later than we would have otherwise. SH got to sing almost right away and he sounded wonderful, as he always does. I sat with his sweet friend Tina and we tried to figure out what this guy who was sort of That was doing hitting on a woman who was definitely not all That and we decided that willingness to go home with a guy gives you That points, if you know what I mean. SH had no idea what we were talking about when we tried to bring him into the discussion.

I sang "Jackson" with SH and I have even more respect for June Carter Cash than I did before.

The End.

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