Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 663: Wine, women, song

SH: Maybe if you go to the wine tasting with me, you'll learn to like wine.

Me: Probably not.

SH: Then I might meet a woman who likes wine.

Me: You know lots of women who like wine. And beer. And bars. And staying up late. You could have married any one of them. But you married me. Suck it up.

Marriage 201, Lecture 430: This was not in the vows

SH: You don't appreciate how much I hold back on being annoying for your sake.

Me: You mean you would be even more annoying than you are now?

SH: Yes!

Me: Maybe you should have married someone else.

SH: Every day is filled with opportunities to be annoying and feelings I should suppress it or feel guilty. It's hard.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 452: Gold-digging man

Me: What if I get that job? Then you could quit [and quit whining about being so stressed out]. What would you do with all your free time?

SH: I don't know.

[Discussion ensues of lunching, going to the gym, book club, goofing off]

Me: You would take over running the house, right?

SH: I suppose.

Me: Well, the person who doesn't have to work for money has to do the laundry and the cooking and clean the bathroom and cut the grass.

SH: I wouldn't garden.

Me: That's a hobby. But I would expect supper on the table when I get home. And a clean house.

SH: Maybe I could do that.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 693: Life is hard

SH: But I do make concessions because I love you!

Me: Like what?

SH: Every time you mention fava beans, I have to refrain from saying that thing.

Me: What else?

SH: And when I ask you if you want something, I have to keep from asking if you waaaant it.

Marriage 201, Lecture 665: Love means you never have to say you're sorry

ME: I would go in the room naked in college because it bugged my roommate.

SH: Why did it bother her?

Me: She was really modest. She'd get into the shower fully clothed, then throw her clothes out over the curtain. When she was through, she'd reach out for the towel, dry, then pull her clothes back in and emerge fully dressed.

SH: So you went naked to annoy her?

Me: Yes.

SH: Then why is it not OK for me to annoy you?

Me: Because you love me! I didn't like her, so I wanted to bug her.

SH: Doesn't love mean that I can completely be myself, no holds barred, and you have to put up with it?

Me: Love is not a get out of jail and fart free card.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 532: Honesty is not the best policy

SH: This is the better grater for grating cheese.

Me: Says who? Why do you care if I use the other grater?

SH: Because you're wrong.

Me: That's what you think. But why does it matter to you if I don't use the grater you like?

SH: Because sometimes I have to wash it.

Me: So don't wash it. Leave it for me. You're just a control freak. What's it to you how I grate cheese?

SH: Because I like to be annoying.

Me: I know.

SH: At least I'm honest about it. That's the universal excuse.

Me: That is such a BS statement. Saying you're "honest" about something gives you no virtue whatsoever and does not make you any less annoying.

SH: If I say that, it means I don't have to feel bad about it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 591: You're not doing it right

Me: Why haven't you put the garlic in?

SH: Because I have to rinse the spoon that had the grease on it.

Me: Why didn't you just get another spoon?

SH: Because then there are more spoons to wash.

Me: What? You just washed the grease spoon! The total number of washings remains the same.

SH: Oh yeah. I didn't think of that.

Marriage 201, Lecture 483: Who's the rememberer now?

SH: How come you always remember to pull the shower curtain out, even after my shower?

Me: Because I am the one who cleans the mildew off it.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Chocolate for the feet, etc

SH and new wheels for the car, from my archives.

Marriage 201, Lecture 453: Ms. Class Factotum-Honey-Factotum

Me: I want to change my name back.

SH: What?

Me: I didn't think it would be this hard to change my last name, but I want to go back.

SH: You should have thought of that before we got married.

Me: I didn't know it would be like this.

SH: You can't go back!

Me: Yes I can.

SH: But you're rejecting me if you do that.

Me: Nope. Not rejecting you. Just going back to my name.

SH: You already use your old name socially and on your credit card.

Me: Not the same.

SH: You want to change your driver's license?

Me: Yes.

SH: That would bother me.

Me: Well, I can't do it now because I made the mistake of ordering embossed stationery with my new initials. But maybe when I run out of it.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 382: The good parts

SH: You've been eating the good stuff* out of the custard!

Me: Yeah. So?

SH: You act as if that's normal!

Me: No. I act as if you should already know I've been doing that.

SH: You say that as if you would pick through the cereal to eat only the almonds. [Pause] You wouldn't do that, would you?

Me: Yes. Of course I would.

* The fudge, oreo and brownie pieces.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Chats du jour: Oh how the mighty have fallen

My lovercat.

Remember how I said that I would never spend thousands of dollars (i.e., more than I spent on my first car or on my graduate education) on my cats? How I said that if the vet bills were too high, I would just get a new cat instead because it's not like it's hard to find used cats cheap?


Maybe there are exceptions.

Yesterday I took Laverne to the vet and spent more than a nice eBay purse would have cost me. Yes, there is a yellow pebbled leather Cole Haan purse I am coveting with a "buy it now" price of only $65 plus $6 shipping.

But that purse is now but a dream because I spent more than that (20 in beer units) to the vet.

SH thinks I acted too quickly and should have given it another day to see if Laverne recovered on her own, but tell me what you would do when you cat's behavior changes from

1. Daily loud reminders starting at 3:30 p.m. that I need to feed her, PLEASE, at 5:00 and don't forget what if you forget omigosh I am starving please, please, please DON'T FORGET TO FEED ME!
2. Daily hoovering of the food as soon as it is served plus the attempted stealing of Shirley's food, which is why I have to watch Laverne eat and remove her from the dish as soon as she is through, which is about 17 seconds after she has started, while Shirley daintily picks up each bit of food, contemplates it, then chews it 32 times, repeat, thus taking about 17 maddening, boring minutes to eat.
3. Constant demands for attention, especially when I am trying to read, i.e., sitting between me and my book and purring, kneading, and looking up at me adoringly. Also sitting behind the computer so she can be right by me. Sitting on my lap while we watch a movie. (We being SH and me, although Laverne does seem to enjoy certain chase scenes.) Curling up at my feet at bedtime.


1. Not reminding me it's time to eat. Getting to 5:15 p.m. with no complaining or crying. Showing no interest in the food when it is poured into the bowl, even when I carried her to the bowl and put her in front of it. No thank you, she sighed as she slowly walked away.
2. Only eating when I slid the dish to her as she hid under the bed.
3. Not wanting to be with me, including hiding in the furnace room while SH and I watched "Dr No," which is not the height of great storytelling or cinematography but had a bikini'd Ursula Andress in it, which was enough to satisfy SH. Not wanting to sleep with us. Hiding under the bed and behind the shower curtain, even while I was taking a shower.

An old photo of Shirley at the vet.

After a day like this, I did what any normal person would do: I panicked and then I went to the internet, the best place for up-to-the date feline medical advice.

Everything I read said that if your cat is sick, you need to take her to the vet right away.

SH has been sick since Saturday and all I've done for him is thaw out some orange juice and put up with his whining.

What's easier to replace? A husband or a cat?

Not sure.

I called my vet, thinking they would tell me to give it another day for a spontaneous healing. That does happen, you know. My CD player wasn't working and I left it alone for a few days and voila! Back to normal. Same thing with the fan I knocked down that developed a rattle. After a few days, the rattle went away. Sometimes, if you turn the music up in the car, suspicious sounds will disappear.

But the vet tech said to bring Laverne in right away. "You don't want to wait on these things," she said. "They can get bad quickly."

I threw Laverne into the carrier and drove to the vet. She cried pathetically the whole way, that mournful, "You're abandoning me!" meow that cats use when they want to make their owners feel really bad.

When we got to the vet, there was already a dog in the exam room, which Laverne obviously smelled. She might be a chipmunk killer, but she doesn't pick on anything bigger than she is, so she was shaking and shedding like a banshee. (Banshees shed A LOT.)

Then the vet took her temperature. Would the indignities never cease? She had a fever. I told him that SH was sick (convinced it was West Nile Virus or swine flu, which cats can also get, according to SH) and that Laverne had caught a chipmunk and maybe it was rabies.

Probably just a virus, he shrugged.

Gave her a shot. Which she also did not like. Gave her a worm pill, just in case, which she also also did not like.

Sent us home after a $109 bill.

When we got home, SH said he thought we could have waited another day.

I told him he just wants Laverne to die.

She is better now.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 485: Kicking the bucket

SH: I'll never be able to play tennis again.

Me: Why not?

SH: Because I'll probably be dead soon.

Me: Then give me all your passwords, please.

Marriage 201, Lecture 481: For better or for whining or for drama, #193

SH: I think I have West Nile virus.

Me: Not the flu? Or a cold?

SH: No. It's more serious than that.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 481: For better or for whining, #558

What it's like at our house when I have a headache. I don't get sick - haven't, really, since I lived in South America and then spent ten weeks coming home over land and under less than ideal hygienic circumstances and yes, that means what you think it means and yet I survive, healthy, despite DIRTY HANDS.

Me: [head hurts, head hurts, head hurts, should I take drugs? they don't always work and sometimes the side effects are worse than the headache, head hurts, head hurts, head hurts]

SH: What's wrong?

Me: Nothing.

SH: You're kind of quiet.

Me: My head hurts a little bit.

What it's like at our house when SH gets sick, like a cold.

SH: Why am I getting sick? This is not fair!

Me: [shrug]


Me: [shrug]

SH: My throat hurts! I'm congested! [He doesn't actually say that, but clears his throat very loudly and that is the polite way to put it.]

Me: Why don't you take some cold drugs?

SH: NO! [More noise, more whining]

Me: I'm going to the library.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 481: For better or for whining, #219

SH: This cold is going to make me whine.

Me: You don't have to whine, you know.

SH: But suffering and whining is noble.

Me: No. Suffering in silence is noble.

SH: OK. I'm going to suffer and whining just comes with the territory.

Me: Then I am going to leave the territory.

Marriage 201, Lecture 921: What we hide

SH: You tricked me. Before we were married, you drank wine.

Me: Just that once.

SH: You were trying to trick me into thinking we had something in common. That was false advertising.

Me: Well, before we got married, you never belched or farted in front of me.

SH: So? You have to expect that once you're married, you're not going to hold back.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

What's what

So here's what's going on Chez CF.

1. Last night, I made the mistake of going to the store with SH, thinking it would just be a quick stop for on-sale steak at Sentry before we walked over to the free concert in the park - The Red Hot Chilli Pipers - who knew "Smoke on the Water" could sound good? It does when it's performed on bagpipes.


We got a bunch of meat because that's how we roll now that we have our chest freezer in the basement, the one we got with the intention of buying a quarter beef, only now the freezer (9 sf, I think) is almost full of my uncle's venison brats and breakfast sausages and hamburgers and Pinter's llama chops and bacon and with raspberries and Miller's Pretzel Rolls from the bargain counter and there is no room for a cow's foot in there, much less a leg and a butt or whatever comes in a quarter.

Got meat? Check. Let's go to the concert.

But no! SH had a handful of coupons. We had to get cereal, but before we could get cereal, he had to read the ingredients label on each box to make sure there was no HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, the root of all evil. Dehydrated apple juice, ie, sugar? OK. Concentrated grape juice, ie, sugar? OK. Beer? OK. Illegal substances in his past? OK.

But NO HFCS! Noooooo!

Then. I thought we were leaving. No! We had to go to the toothpaste aisle. Even though we have three big tubes and many airplane sized tubes of Colgate, which is what SH uses. I use sensitive teeth toothpaste because despite a lifetime of babying my teeth, paying to see the dentist out of my own unemployed pocket when I was in grad school just because I value my teeth so much, brushing and flossing during a stop at a Bolivian truck stop as I took the overnight bus from wherever to La Paz, my teeth have betrayed me in the worst way. One of them has been pulled and replaced by a titanium implant, which my insurance ended up covering after I wrote a detailed, fact-backed letter to the benefits people at work (you current IP employees may thank me now). Another needs a root canal, which I will have done next month at the dental college. Yeah. I'm cheap that way. But it leaves more money for purses and shoes.

It took me three long minutes to convince SH that he did not need any more toothpaste - honestly, how long does it take to use a large tube? like a year? - even though he had a coupon and it was double-coupon day. When we are old and retired, he is going to be dragging me to supper at 4:00 p.m. just so we can get the early-bird special. Which will be fine with me because I hate to stay up late.

2. We got an estimate to have the mortar repaired on our house. Two thousand dollars. We just had our driveway redone and the garage mudjacked. Trust me, you do not want to know what mudjacking is because if you do, that means your January vacation to Hawaii to escape the snow and ice and keep you sane is not going to happen.

The joys of home ownership. Still, it's better than renting and living underneath the Crazy Laundry People.

If anyone in the MKE knows someone who does mortar repair (and does it well), please leave me the info in the comments.

Of course the mortar guy showed up at 12:30, four hours early. Like I should have been surprised. This is Wisconsin. People here get up early.

3. I found out I am special. Top top percentile. Did you know that only two percent of the people who take lamictal (or its generic equivalent) watch their hair fall out in clumps?

Only nine percent of the folks who take depakote (or generic) lose their hair. And gain weight.

Now. What does a Venn diagram of the lamictal hair loss patients and the depakote hair loss/weight gain patients look like? (No, losing the hair does not make up for gaining the weight.)

Now factor in that neither drug has stopped my headaches. What does that diagram look like?

I am the one in the middle. In the "no therapeutic benefit but some nasty side effects" section. The bald, chubby one.

PS My doctor, who, admittedly, was checking her messages while she is on vacation, says that lamictal does not cause hair loss. The two pharmacists I called, however, said it does. AND MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT.

PPS One website suggests I weigh the disadvantages of losing my hair - right before my 25-year college reunion, when I want to look better than everyone else because let's be honest? we all think that way and if you say you don't, you're a pants on fire liar - against the advantages of the drug.

Yeah. Right. Hair loss vs headaches. Difficult decision. Bald vs headaches. Bald vs headaches.

I guess I'll have to think about that.

What I will do for a purse

You know how some bloggers review products or promote items and always have that disclaimer that they got no compensation for said review/endorsement?


I only endorse for money.

Or for early access to the Kate Spade lavender suede pumps that I CANNOT BELIEVE I DID NOT BUY LAST YEAR FOR ONLY $39. Or the Hobo red leather purse for $18 because I 1. did not know if it was leather* and 2. had never heard of the Hobo brand.

Oh, for a google phone so I could look those things up right away.

So. Here's the deal. If you are in Milwaukee or northern Illinois (or wherever Champaign is - somewhere in the cornfields, I think), you need to check out Divine Consign, the big consignment sale that Jessi and Jessica put on. Bunches of women bring their stuff that they don't use any more because sometimes, no matter how much you love an item, you just want a different purse SH! Sometimes things don't fit any more. Whatever.

If I promote the sale here, then I get first look at all the goodies. Considering that last spring, even though I was one of the hoi-polloi, I still got some really nice things (cute orange evening purse, lovely orange silk and wool scarf, a silk Ann Taylor sundress for $25, unused running shoes for $10, unused cute orange sandals - leathah! - for $8, several workout items, also unworn - honestly, what is it with people who buy stuff they never wear but then don't take it back to the store? My gain, though), I can only imagine what treasures will be available to the early birds.

Working at the Junior League Thrift Shop in Memphis was one of the few things I liked about the Junior League because I got first look at the clothes, as in a silk Michael Kors suit for $12. Oh yes.

I wasn't so crazy about babysitting the toddlers at the Salvation Army while their mothers took a parenting class, especially when it meant changing the diaper of the little girl who had poop falling out of her pants, which happens because the little girl was only two, but when her mother was called in, she grabbed the little girl and got mad. Apparently, the parenting class was not helping. Things like that, plus the ~$200 it cost to be a member helped solidify my dropout decision.

The Elm Grove sale is Sept 16-18; the Champaign-Urbana one is September 23 - 25; and the Whitefish Bay Jewish Community Center sale is October 21 - 23. I will be going to both the Elm Grove and the JCC sales. Before you do. Ha.

* Purse makers: if it's leather, holla. Brag. I can usually tell silk just by feeling the fabric, but I am not so sure about leather vs some of the fakes.

Chats du jour: Dreamer

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 449: The dark side

SH: My arm still hurts [from tennis last night]. I took some ibuprofen but it still hurts.

Me: Why don't you take some more?

SH: No! I don't want to get hooked.

Me: What? Like ibuprofen is a gateway drug to aspirin?

Marriage 201, Lecture 547: My own Sartre, or, If a man whines in an empty room, does anyone else roll her eyes?

Me: I think I know why you are having this [existential crisis].

SH: Why?

Me: Because you don't have anything to work toward.

SH: You're right. I got a good review at work, but it's not like I'm working for a promotion. We don't have kids. What's the point?

Me: Maybe your purpose is to stick your finger in my bellybutton.

SH: Maybe!

Me: No! Not NOW! You have to anticipate and earn it.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 594: Basement eater

What my first email to SimpleHuman, whence my engagement trash can, said:

I can't close my trash can. It closes when the plastic bin is removed, but not when the bin is inside. I tried taking the trash bag out, but that makes no difference.

What my second email said:

Forget what I just wrote. I discovered my husband had jammed his Dill Pickle Pringles can (from the supply he hides from himself in the basement, although I am one to talk because that's where I keep my Cap'n Crunch, the cereal my mother just wouldn't buy when I was a kid) in sideways, which distorted the plastic bin. I didn't see the Pringles can because he had covered it with crumbled paper towels. When I asked him why he didn't just put the can in vertically, he claimed that he didn't want to waste trash space. Considering this man uses paper towels with impunity even though I leave cloth rags under the sink where they are easy to get and considering that one trash bag costs about two cents, if that much, which is one-gajillioneth of a beer unit, his story is suspicious. I think he just didn't want me to know he had finished yet another can of chips.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 507: C'est chic

SH gets beer and a pretzel in a Munich beer garden.

SH: Did you get pine nuts [for the pesto from the basil in my garden, which, along with the cherry tomatoes, are the Germany to the rest of the garden, which is Belgium].

Me: Nope. They were $20 a pound.

SH: You freaked out over pine nuts.*

Me: Yeah. The one freakout I've had since we met five years ago.

SH: There have been more.

Me: A few. But you freak out every day.

SH: That's not true.

Me: Oh yes it is.

SH: Maybe once a week.

Me: Uh-huh. Orders and orders of magnitude more than I freak out.

* Four years ago, at my old house, when I accidentally burned a cup of pine nuts I was toasting. You would freak out, too, if it was your own stupid fault that you ruined something so expensive, especially if you were unemployed at the time.

Marriage 201, Lecture 48: Why buy the cow

SH: Did you buy milk?

Me: No. I went to Pick and Save and they don't have the kind we want. I was going to get it tomorrow.

My mom getting corn from another on your honor cornstand.

SH: But there's not enough milk for me to have cereal and you to have [half milk, half] coffee in the morning.

Me: So don't have cereal.

SH: That's not fair!

Me: You already told me you had an apple fritter for breakfast this morning.

SH: I did that so there would be milk tomorrow.

Me: Oh baloney.

SH: OK. But what about tomorrow?

Me: Either get up before I do or have another apple fritter.

SH: I never get up before you do.

Me: Then I guess I win.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 660: You're not doing it right

Me: Thanks for doing the dishes.

SH: Well, you do them during the week. If I do them on the weekend, then I can be sure they are clean.

Chats du jour: The mighty huntress #29

Too bad it won't play with her once it's dead. PS. Please note she caught this - alive - while she was on a leash. PPS I don't know if this is the same ground squirrel/chipmunk that she caught but did not kill yesterday, but if it is, he was not too bright.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 592: More priorities

Cream puffs from the state fair.

SH: Why didn't I start singing sooner in my life?

Me: I don't know.

SH: Why didn't I start playing tennis sooner?

Me: Because you were drinking beer?

SH: Oh yeah. That's right.

Marriage 201, Lecture 404: The company towels

SH: You did it again! You moved my bath towel and didn't replace it.

Me: I just washed it and it's on the line.

SH: But it's gone!

Me: So dry your hands on the hand towel.

SH [deep sigh]: That's what I did.

Me: You don't usually use the hand towel?

SH: No! I dry my hands on the bath towel!

Me: Oh good grief.

Marriage 201, Lecture 881: Save money by not buying

Is a kid in the corn like a dog in the manger?

SH: Menards is having a super sale!

Me: Do you know how much crap we have that we don't need?

SH: Like what?

Me: Those furniture pads. We have two boxes and we will never use them.

SH: We might someday!

Me: If that happened, we could just go to the store.

SH: What about the cornhole game? Do you want me to return it?

Me: Yes.

SH: Are you saying you will never want to play that game?

Me: Yes.

SH: Maybe this week I could concentrate on taking things back to Menards.

Me: I don't think you're capable of that.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 403: Priorities

Future lamb chops.

SH: I need to go to Kopps.* I want to sing. I have to drop that blu-ray player** off at the UPS store. And you want to watch the rest of the movie.***

Me: Yep.

SH: What are your priorities?

Me: Movie.

SH: But I want to go out to sing!

Me: I can watch the movie by myself.

SH: That's fine. The only reason I want to see it is because of Jennifer Lopez' butt.

* Because today is Never Enough Chocolate.

** The one he got as his 10-year award from work, but is not as good as the one he just bought. He sold the inferior blu-ray player on amazon.com.

*** The American version of "Shall We Dance." We have already seen the Japanese version.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 334: Engineer vs fashionista

Piglets at the state fair. Eventually, they are converted to chocolate covered bacon on a stick, which is a fine way to end up.

Me: Do you like your new coffee mug?

SH: Yes.

Me: It's nice to have beautiful, high-quality things for the things you use every day.

SH: And I do use it every day.

Me: That's why I wanted the nice trash can. And a nice purse.

SH: A purse isn't the same thing. You change purses just because.

Me: Says the man who wanted a blu-ray player even though there is nothing wrong with our DVD player.

SH: That's different. The blu-ray gives me additional functionality. A purse doesn't do that.

Marriage 201, Lecture 481: For better or for whining, #194

SH: I love you, sweetie.

Me: Why?

SH: Because you take good care of me and you put up with my whining.

Me: Do you think anyone else would put up with it?

SH: Nope.

Me: It's not my favorite part.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 874: Whining is the best medicine

SH [whimpering about his tennis elbow]: It hurts!

Me: Take some ibuprofen.

SH: I don't want to take drugs! A woman at the bar is dying of liver and kidney failure because she took Tylenol PM every day for ten years.

Me: And her problems had nothing to do with booze?

SH: I dunno.

Me: So you'll drink a few beers a week but won't take painkillers when you are in pain. Whatever.

PS SH has good liver genes if you know what I mean.

Monday, August 09, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 943: Screaming like a leetle girl

SH: There's a mosquito in here.

Me: But you're not freaking out.

SH: If it were a wasp, I would be.

Me: What about a mud dauber?

SH: That's a wasp.

Me: A non-stinging wasp.

SH: It's still a wasp.

Me: But it doesn't sting.

SH: I don't care. It's still a wasp.

Me: Wasps are black and yellow. Mud daubers are brown.

SH: That's like saying just because someone is purple he isn't a person.

Me: No, it's nothing like that. I'm saying that the property of wasps that you don't like is the stinging and mud daubers do not sting.

SH: You can't tell.

Me: Yes. You can. Mud daubers are brown. Wasps are black and yellow.

SH: There could be a mud dauber that stings.

Me: Never as far as I know.

SH: But you don't know.

Me: You are an S-I-S-S-Y.

Random Monday

Family friend: Do you have kids?

Me: No. We're too old.

FF: No you're not! How old are you?

Me: 46.

FF: Oh yeah. You're too old.


SH: It's your fault that I ate an apple fritter for breakfast.

Me: My fault?

SH: There wasn't any milk. I had to eat the fritter.


Me, running into my hairdresser at the library after I have gone to two classes at the gym and my hair is sweaty and pulled back into a ponytail: Hi Carol!

Carol: Hi!

Me: I promise I don't tell anyone that you do my hair when I look like this.

Marriage 201, Lecture 46: He didn't marry me for my athletic ability

But what really makes me a less than awful tennis player is having a tennis skirt and court shoes, which you can't see here but the photo where they show also shows my chubby thighs in even greater closeup. What do you think about the tennis balls stuck in the back of the skirt? Great look, huh?

Sunday, August 08, 2010

In the beginning, or, TMI from the Big Factotum

The hotel.

My mother, the Big Factotum, felt compelled to show me the hotel where she and my dad spent their wedding night. She pointed out the exact room and informed me that was where I - ahem - got my start.

The room.

My brother is convinced that my mother was pregnant when she got married and that that is the only reason my parents married, but considering that my dad proposed at the Tombstone Bar in Medford eight months before the wedding, that my mom spent a couple of months sewing her wedding dress, that my dad was out of town for the months before the wedding at OCS, and that the wedding was in February and I was born in October, I don't give my brother's theory a lot of credence.

The fancy view from the room.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Don't bury me in the cold, cold ground

Lake Superior.

Me: What do you want to be buried in?

My mom, the big factotum: Something covering my legs. I don't want them to get cold.

Me: So sweatpants?

BF: With my long johns.

Me: You're pretty sure you're not going someplace hot.

BF: Well, at least my body isn't.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 694: For better or for lost

SH: Where are my sunglasses?

Me: I don't know.

Another Lake Superior moonrise.

SH: I put them in your purse last night at tennis! They're not in there now.

Me: So?

SH: You're not supposed to take them out of your purse without telling me.

Me: If you put them in my purse, you're in charge of them. You have to figure it out.

SH: No! You accepted them.

Me: Nope. You trespassed. I never agreed to take them.

SH: You agreed when you married me. That's part of marriage.

Me: I don't remember saying that you would have permission to dump whatever you wanted in my purse and that I would have to be in charge of it in the vows.

SH: It's implied.

Marriage 201, Lecture 54: For me but not for thee

Me: Isn't tolerance of diversity of opinion a progressive value?

SH: Only when the diversity of opinion is about things like I like corn and you don't.

Chats du jour: Ennui

Such is the hell that is my life that I must lie here and avoid thinking about it while a string runs across my head.

Wisconsin 101: Honor system

And yes, the corn was excellent.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 432: Agree to disagree

The ferry landing in Bayfield to Madeline Island.

Me: I'll be gone for two days of the week you promised not to talk about politics,* so those days don't count.

SH: Oh yes they do.

Me: No! We agreed not to talk about politics for a week, but if I'm not here, it takes no effort on your part.

SH: Then I am going to pick the days. A day here and a day there.

Me: That makes no sense.

SH: Oh yes it does. Either it's a continuous week or it's not.

Me: Oh shut up.

* He agreed not to talk about politics, I agreed to play a tiebreaker in tennis. I hate tiebreakers, I hate deuce, I hate ambiguity. Either you play for a fixed time or to a fixed score, but this nonsense of having to win by two points or two games or two sets or whatever it is is ridiculous. Tennis: the game that never ends.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 467: Just desserts

SH: We don't eat enough starches. We eat all this produce and you still complain about your weight. It's not like we're eating scalloped potatoes.

Me: I know! It's not like I can point to my fat and say, "Those were good doughnuts."

SH: Well, yes you can.

Me: Yeah, I know.

Marriage 201, Lecture 983: Resting

SH actually relaxing on Lake Superior. He was up until 3:00 a.m. the night we stayed with my aunt on the way up and worked some the first two days at the cottage, but then he went two full days without getting online.

SH: You haven't made the bed.

Me: Nope. I'm on vacation.

SH: But the bed!

Me: Whatever.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Marriage 201, Lecture 423: Save big money by not shopping

The farmer market on Madeline Island, complete with potatoes and beets.

SH: Maybe I don't have to go to Menards.

Me: Maybe.

SH: We don't really need anything.

Me: We rarely do.

Marriage 201, Lecture 763: You're not doing it right #20,189

More Madeline Island/Lake Superior scenery.

Me [eating a cob of raw corn that we bought from the guy in the truck in Ashland on our way home from Madeline Island, a traumatic event* from which we are still recovering]

SH: You're not doing it right.

Me: What are you talking about?

SH: Eating the corn.

Me: I am so.

SH: No. You're supposed to do it like this. [Demonstrates eating typewriter style.]

Me: Nope. This is the right way. [Rotating.] You can divorce me if you want over this.

* Having to leave the island.