Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Chats du jour: It's five o'clock somewhere
Do you guys remember that scene in Terms of Endearment where Shirley McClaine screams at the nurse to give her daughter the medicine? That IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK AND SHE JUST HAD TO WAIT UNTIL FIVE O'CLOCK TO GET HER NEXT DOSE?
Laverne has internalized that scene. Laverne knows that scene. Lives that scene. Her vigil starts every day at 3:00, when she begins to hover at my feet, my chest, my head. By 4:30, she has begun her restless pacing between wherever I am and the kitchen because WHAT IF I FORGET TO FEED HER? WHAT IF?
At 5:00, the really loud whining starts. She knows. It's 5:00! That's when they eat! So feed her already!
She pulled that act on me yesterday, at 5:05. I was late! I had to feed her!
So I did.
She gobbled her food, which is her usual eating method, compared to Shirley's slow and deliberate and infuriating 32 chews of each kibble strategy.
Then she tried to start on Shirley's food, which Shirley was not present to eat, which was odd, because Shirley had been whining just 15 minutes before. I rattled the food container to entice Shirley to get off the furnace, the only warm spot in our 1928 uninsulated brick and plaster house with the new furnace that doesn't work so well when it's really cold, but to no avail.
That's when it hit me.
Had SH already fed them?
Oh yes he had. He had done it while I was in the bathroom and he had told me, but I had forgotten because I have more important things on my mind than cat feeding, like, Oh man, is there such a thing as a heated toilet seat because if so, I want one.
That Laverne. Quite an actress. This might explain her recent weight gain from 8.5 lbs to 9.5 lbs, a difference that is quite noticeable on a cat. This, plus her constant pilfering of lettuce ribs, asparagus ends, and apple cores from the compost bowl on the kitchen counter, which I now drape with a dishcloth to keep her out, as it is not so practical to empty it every day now that I have to put on full arctic gear just to walk out behind the garage.
Now I know Laverne is a liar. And a brilliant actress.
She is also on a diet.