Thursday, December 23, 2010

Marriage 301, Lecture 493: Anatomy of a crime part 4

I haven't finished the story of the slight, tiny, small car accident I had in November. When I last left you, I had asked SH to identify remodeling projects around the house as it appeared that the carpenter whose van I hit was hitting on me in retaliation.

I had also told Van Guy I would leave a bribe = brownies for him on the porch. I made the brownies - with nuts, as he had requested - and left them out for him the next morning.

When I returned that afternoon, they were still there.


Was he rejecting the bribebrownies because he wanted $2,000 instead? What was I going to do with all those bribebrownies? I like brownies a lot but I also like fitting into my clothes and there is not a lot of play in my jeans these days. SH doesn't want bribebrownies with nuts - he claims that nuts spoil chocolate. He is dead wrong on that but that's not a hill to die on.

I put the bribebrownies in the fridge and waited for the expensive email/phone call.


The next day, I did the laundry. I was in the back yard, hanging out the clothes in my usual housecleaning outfit of pajamas, which consists of red and white striped knit pants and SH's 27 year old long-sleeved mustard yellow (a color that makes me look putrid but it's the only long-sleeved t-shirt to which I have access) Weiss Beer Bike t-shirt, and the pink Fluffy Socks with flip flops.

My hair had not been washed in two days. Don't judge me until you have lived in a cold climate where the heater and the cold = no humidity at all = skin so dry that it hurts. This weather leads to every other day bathing.

The coup de grace was the dime-sized clump of Clearasil on my forehead, just above my right eyebrow, where I was trying to contain a massive pre-Paris breakout but was not having any luck.

What a man-catching outfit, hey?

I heard a voice behind me.

It was Van Guy.

Oh heck.

He told me he'd been too busy to come the day before. I went inside and got his brownies. Asked him again about how much I owed him. He hadn't had time to get more information but he was sure it wouldn't be expensive.

I reminded him we would be gone but didn't tell him we were going to Paris because I didn't want him to think, Well if they can afford a vacation to Paris they can sure afford to fix my van, which I suppose technically is true but we did go on frequent flier miles and hotel points, so the big expenses were covered, and we had to eat no matter where we were and we are not big shoppers except when we overpay for rugs in Fez even though Megan warned us not to buy our rugs there.

I just said we would be out of town. Not a lie.

I thanked him again for being so nice about everything. Said I needed to get on with my housework. Said goodbye.

And heard nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. No email. No phone call. Is he tell-tale hearting me? Dragging it out? Or am I completely off the hook for something that was my fault and for which he justly deserves compensation? Were the brownies that good?

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