Sunday, December 26, 2010

Things I know


1. A wooden toilet seat is almost as warm as a heated toilet seat and does not have the disadvantage of needing to be plugged in to the outlet that is conveniently located on the other side of the sink, which would mean the cord would have to be run either under the front of the vanity (cat hair trap) or across the top of the vanity to the outlet.

There would appear to be a market for battery operated heated toilet seats. I'll put that in my "Business Ideas" file next to TV remotes with buttons that glow in the dark. Am I the only person in the world who watches movies with the lights turned off? Do you know what a pain in the neck it is to have to take off one's glasses and tilt the remote toward the flickering light of the TV to be able to see and hit the "pause" button?

My lovely husband gave me the toilet seat for Christmas and I love him for it. He really listens to me and looks for gifts that will enhance my daily life. (See: Engagement Trash Can.)

2. Only a Truly Superior Human Being can make it through almost-midnight Mass while the person behind her click click clicks on his blackberry sending text after text to who knows where. As I am only a Moderately Superior Human Being, I could not overlook this transgression. I kept hearing a noise behind me and finally turned to see what it was.

It was a man in his mid-20s clicking away. I turned my head to the front quickly, shocked at what I had seen.

He continued. He continued!

I turned to look again, only this time I let my gaze linger, which is church code for I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE TEXTING IN CHURCH, YOU JERK!

(I know I am not the texting police and if he had been texting noiselessly, I would have shrugged and thought, "Obviously I am a SUPERIOR HUMAN BEING because I limit my non-church activities to making a grocery list during the psalm and to when they are doing an interpretative dance to the readings even though I watch said dance in horror. My non-church activities do not make noise or distract/annoy other people.")

He was unmoved.

He was unmoved by my lingering gaze. What was he, inhuman? How can anyone withstand the lingering gaze of a disapproving pew sitter?

He clicked his way through the gospel.

Even if you do not belong to a particular religion or denomination, I would suspect that most people would know it is bad manners to text noisily during a religious service, although I would encourage anyone to text while a Marty Haugen song is being performed because nobody should have to suffer through that drivel.

Maybe he was a transplant surgeon, texting the instructions for replacing Heart A with Heart B: Cut open da chest. HV u done that? K, now cut out da old heart. Yeah, u have to clamp off da arteries before u do that. Now, sew in da new heart.

The normal rules do not apply to transplant surgeons.

I took the chance that he was not a transplant surgeon and steeled myself to say something. Just the thought of CONFRONTING SOMEONE made my heart race and adrenalin flood my body. I felt shaky. Yet I turned to him and politely asked, "That noise is distracting. Would you mind not doing that?"

He stopped.

Ha.

And when we shook hands, he didn't want to shake my hand or even make eye contact, which confirmed my opinion that he knew he had been doing something wrong and was ashamed of it.

But I just smiled, took his hand, and said, "Merry Christmas!"

3. If you send your mom the fancy handmade soap you got at the farmers market in Paris and the fancy handmade soap smells like chocolate cinnamon orange and you thought it was good enough to eat and even commented on such to the vendor and the fancy handmade soap label just has a pretty picture on it and perhaps not the word "savon" which might not matter anyway because it's been many years since your mother had high-school French, you should somehow make sure your mother knows it is soap and not, say, a candy bar. Even though the smell would indicate that it is a candy bar and hence edible.

Trust me on this one.

3 comments:

LPC said...

And Merry Christmas to you:).

Jen on the Edge said...

Texting in church. That's a new low. I'm glad you said something to him. You were much nicer than I would have been.

Class factotum said...

Jen, I wanted to be nastier but then I couldn't have blogged about it.