Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 201: The clothes wouldn't have fit

After the fabulous spring Elm Grove Divine Consign sale (where I got the Teal Leopard Print Heels with the Tangerine Ribbon last fall).

SH: What did you get?

Me: Oh. Some stuff. I guess I need to get rid of* some of my clothes. I am going to be ruthless. If I bought new stuff, I can't keep the old stuff. If I didn't wear it this winter, it's going, no matter how much I love it.

SH: Like what?

Me: Remember that pink jacket (super well made, interesting, German) we got when we were in Northern California a few years ago? [The one I wasn't going to buy because it was too expensive, despite being encountered at a thrift shop in Humboldt, which is in the middle of nowhere, and which SH told me that he would buy if I didn't and I wouldn't let him because - get this - we weren't married. Yeah. Crazy silly, I know. I have been flexing those gold-digger muscles since, though.]

SH: Yes!

Me: That needs to go. I didn't wear it this year.

SH: But that's really cute!

Me: I know.

SH: And you love it!

Me: I know.

SH: You can't get rid of that. You have to keep it.

Me: Welllllll.

SH: [Rolls eyes]

Me: OK. I'll keep it.

* As in take to consignment. I used to give all my old clothes to Goodwill, but then I started getting nicer clothes. Although the tax deduction is nothing to sneeze at: Did you know that TurboTax allows $1.50 for underwear? What I want to know is who has the nerve to donate what I am assuming are used underwear and then take a tax deduction for it? If you think poor people are desperate enough to want your used underwear, shouldn't you just give it away? Are times so bad that you need to make money from your used underwear?

SH thinks I should give all my old clothes to Goodwill, pointing out that we have not reached a state of penury where we need to sell any of our used goods to buy food or pay for electricity. But I like the balance of selling some of the old stuff (still stylish, in good shape, of course - stained clothing becomes rags and out of style does go to Goodwill because I assume that someone would rather wear outdated but still in good shape clothes than go naked) to cover the price of the new stuff.

Marriage 301, Lecture 399: Why engineers do what they do

SH: I'm thinking of buying this [$139 VOIP thingy].

Me: Why?

SH: We could reduce our phone bill if I made my calls over it instead of with AT&T.

Me: Hmmm.

SH: And look! You can use it for cellphone calls, too! You just connect to the wireless and you can route your calls through it.

Me: But we never go over our [cellphone] minutes.

SH: But it would be cool!

PS Extra points to anyone who can tell me the meaning of the photo. My mother and certain friends who should know who they are are excluded. Let's just say that anyone who knows me in real life is ineligible.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 598: Forest, tree, fall, etc

Me: Laverne. SHUT UP.

SH: Why aren't you feeding them?

Me: Because I don't want them to be starving when Tyler [the neighbor kid] comes over tonight [after we leave for our trip]. It's only 6:30 [a.m.]. They're not used to eating so early.

SH: You're being mean to Laverne.

Me: You're right. And it's not like yelling at her will make her stop whining.

SH: She won't whine this afternoon to be fed. There won't be anyone here. She's like me: there's no point in whining if there's nobody to hear.

Me: Oh really?

SH: I don't whine if you're not around.

Me: Lucky me.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 510: All the time political arguer and annoyer

Me: You don't get to decide what the right thing to do is.

SH: Yes I do. I [hold certain political positions justify my deciding how everyone should think and live their lives].

Me: Yet you married me, a [person who holds the opposite political positions].

SH: You're a project. I married you to change you.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 406: Water waster

SH: Hey! There's still soap on that bowl!

Me: So what?

SH: It's SOAP!

Me: And it's on the outside. It's only a little bit. It will slide off.

SH: No! [as he removes the bowl from the dishdrainer and uses half of Lake Michigan to rinse it]

Me: You know that I wash dishes when you're not supervising, right?

SH: Yes.

Me: So you've been eating soap for five years now. And it hasn't hurt you. Go away.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 553: Says the man who was up working until 4 a.m. our first night in Madrid on our honeymoon

SH: If your [new fancy check prices at Sendik's, Pick and Save and Sentry while I'm at the gym] phone isn't here before we leave [for our Thursday-Sunday trip to Memphis to see my Memphis friends and my cousin's new baby - is there such a thing as an old baby?], I guess we'll have just my phone.

Me: Yes.

SH: We might have to share it.

Me: Yes.

SH: I think I'll do something I've never done before.

Me: What's that?

SH: I won't forward the house phone [which also doubles as SH's work phone, as he works from home] to the cellphone.

Me: What?

SH: Yep. I'll just leave a message that I'm on vacation.

Me: Wow!

SH: And then I won't check voicemail until we get home again.

Me: Who are you and what have you done with my workaholic husband.

SH: I'm going to be on vacation.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 338: Midnight snack

Me: I was starving when I woke up this morning.

SH: Not me.

Me: Why not? We didn't have that much supper. [Basil chicken, bok choy, rice]

SH: Because I had some snacks after you went to bed.

Me: Snacks?

SH: I have some potato chips.

Me: Uh huh.

SH: And the rest of that chocolate cupcake you bought [after my cake-decorating class, which was held at a cupcake bakery and I was supposed to resist the cupcakes how?]

Me: Well.

SH: And then I had some of that pear tart. Because I needed some fruit.

Me: Oh good grief.

Marriage 301, Lecture 943: It's an engineer thing, I wouldn't get it

After I have returned from a two-hour cake decorating class.

SH: I haven't gotten much done on the taxes.

Me: I thought that's what you were going to do while I was gone.

SH: I've been working on figuring out how to export the numbers stored in your phone. [Because I, in my gold-digger fashion, am upgrading to a smart phone so when I am in the grocery store and see detergent on sale, I can go to the google and look at the ads for the other stores to see if they have a better deal. Or, if I am at the Divine Consign Spring Sale, I can go to the google to see that Hobo is indeed a legitimate purse brand that uses leathah for its products and grab that cute red bag for only $18. Without the smart phone, I would have to go home, google "Hobo," and then return the next day only to find that someone else had already bought the purse.]

Me: But why? I said I could do it manually.

SH: But it's more fun than working on taxes.

Marriage 301, Lecture 969: Annoyer in Chief

SH: So you don't like to be annoyed?

Me: Nope.

SH: And you don't like to argue.

Me: Nope.

SH: Those are my favorite things to do. Why did you marry me? It's not like you didn't know this about me.

Me: For your money.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 202: The Art of the Nag

Me: Quit! Quit nagging me about how I put things in the tupperware drawer!

SH: But you don't do it right.

Me: I don't do it your way.

SH: Why not?

Me: Because I don't care if it's all neat and tidy the way you like it.

SH: If you're not going to do it how I want, then you can't expect me to stop nagging.

Me: OK. Fine. You can nag. Count this as my little gift to you that you have something to complain about.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 310: On the schedule

SH: Do you want to [wxyz]?

Me: Nope.

SH: Why not?

Me: See? I wrote this on the calendar the other day: "SH is annoying me. No [wxyz]!"

SH: You don't really mean that!

Me: I told you I did when I wrote it down.

SH: I didn't think you meant it.

Marriage 301, Lecture 770: Next I'll find revolutionary lipstick on his collar

After a long argument about which is the best route to get home from the restaurant that involves a discussion of whether it's better to have three stop signs vs one stoplight and the expected value of each route, including best and worst case scenarios and the average value and which of us is an optimist about getting to places and which is a realist who actually considers that sometimes there is traffic and don't bring your stress to me Mr Bang on the Dashboard yelling that you're going to be late when I told you that we needed to get going and that devolves into a "You're wrong," "No you're wrong" sniping.

Me: Plus you never leave any slack time for anything. Except this morning. You got your butt out of bed and straight into the shower.

SH: I had to go canvassing.

Me: You have never never taken a shower first thing for anything I wanted to do. You have never done it for me. You love politics more than you love me.

SH: That's not true. I love you.

Me: Ha.

SH: No! But you're stuck with me. And this recall is important.

Me: I sure hope politics loves you back.

SH: So. You want to [wxyz]?

Me: You're joking, right?

Marriage 301, Lecture 662: Wash away my iniquity

Me: I think it's time for this towel to go to charity.

SH: Which one?

Me: This white one.

SH: Why?

Me: Because I can't get the dirt out of it.

SH: Bleach it.

Me: I've tried that. And Borax. And soaking it overnight in the bleach/Borax/detergent stew. It's oily dirt from someone wiping his not-washed face on it over and over.

SH: I guess you know the moral to this story.

Me: I sure do.

SH: Don't buy white towels.

Me: No! Don't wipe your dirty face on the towel!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 331: Stuff User

SH: Hey! You used my Polo deodorant!

Me: I know.

SH: Who said you could do that?

Me: I did.

SH: But it's mine.

Me: So? Besides, you never use it.

SH: You use my stuff all the time. I don't use yours.

Me: Go ahead. I don't mind.

SH: I don't want to use your stuff. Besides, I can't wear your sweatshirts [the way you could mine, except I am very very selfish about my Rice sweatshirt in not letting you wear it, even though we both went there].

Me: Wear it if you want.

SH: I can't. It's not that I may not. I can't fit!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Shoes triumphant

The Great Manolo let me write a guest post about my Teal Leopard Print Heels with the Tangerine Ribbon for his blog. See it here.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 631: For way worse

4 a.m. SH has turned over and groaned that he doesn't feel good, he can't sleep, he's scared something is really wrong with him. It hurts in his gut. This concerns me, as SH never complains about not feeling well. Yes, he complains and whines - he and Laverne get together and have their little stereo whinefests - but he never complains about not feeling well. He is cast iron.

The few times he has been sick, he has not wanted any drugs, so I have had to force sudafed (you don't need an ID to vote in Wisconsin but you do need one to buy cold medicine!) on him just so we can get some sleep. I keep a full pharmacy under the bathroom sink with a potion or unguent for every possibility. I don't like pain. Don't like it at all.

I also have a large, expensive supply of migraine drugs, none of which work on me. Topamax? I lost some weight the first time I took it. It killed my appetite. It removed my desire to eat. Oh how I loved that drug. But it did not prevent headaches.

Blood pressure meds? Made me weak and slow but didn't stop the headaches. Depakote? Made my hair fall out but did not stop the headaches. Lamictal? Also made my hair fall out. Did not stop headaches.

Thousands of dollars of drugs (I mean it: my current drug, Lyrica, for which I have a $140 copay oh yes that's one hundred and forty dollars for a three- month supply, costs over $1,000 retail) in my bathroom. And most of them don't work for me. I tried to give away the depakote by posting something on facebook, which inspired my nurse practitioner sister to snap, "That's illegal!"

I go into my Pre-Med in College mode, a mode that lasted one year until I realized I 1. was really bad at chemistry, although maybe, maybe if I had worn my glasses in class so I could see the blackboard and if I had asked for help I might have done better, and 2. I hated being around sick people.

Me: Where is the pain? Is it localized? Sharp? Dull? Intermittent?

SH: All over. It hurts all over in my gut. It's not my appendix.

Me: Should I call the doctor?

SH: I don't know.

Me: Should I take you to urgent care? There's a place right down the street and it's on our insurance.

SH: I don't know.

Me: I'm going to google your symptoms.

Which I do. To discover that 1. abdominal pain causes are very difficult to diagnose and it's not something they could solve and treat in the urgent care anyhow, and 2. he probably does not have diverticulitis, cancer, IBS, gallstones, as he has had no abdominal complaints until just now. Four o'clock in the morning. When I wanted to be sleeping. He is probably not in labor. The most obvious problem is - ahem - digestive issues.

I point this out to him and he agrees that it's probably not the major conditions I listed, but notes that he is indeed in pain. Having had severe digestive issues myself before, I sympathize, because man, it can hurt.

SH: Maybe it was the egg.

Me: The egg?

SH: Remember that cracked egg I showed you this morning [as he was making omelets for breakfast]?

Me: I thought you threw that away.

SH: I did. But there was another one with a smaller crack that I did use.

Ah. Salmonella. Even rubbing the back for a very long time of a person with salmonella does not bring sleep.

Finally, he says that maybe he should try going to the bathroom.

SH: Close your eyes

Me: Why?

SH: Because I want to turn on the light so I can find my car magazine.

Me: I'm pretty sure you're not going to die of this if you're thinking of the new BMWs.

Which is a huge relief to me as I don't want him to die before I do because I don't want to be stuck cleaning out all of his crap in the basement and if he is going to die before we are old, I want it to be in an accident so I at least get the AD&D rider on his life insurance. And because I would really miss him.

Marriage 301, Lecture 661: Finances

Me: I wouldn't want to live in New York unless I had a lot of time and money and the only way you get both is to inherit.

SH: You're not a very good gold-digger.

Me: I know. I should have married a man whose parents were closer to death.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 563: Mr Romance

SH [after canceling our movie plans for the second night in a row because he is a Revolutionary now and The Revolution comes first, bless his heart]: So maybe - we could [wxyz]?

Me: I don't know. What are you going to do to make me happy?

SH: I put the penguin* away and I scooped the cat litter. So what else can I do?

Me: I just ate two of your Oreos. And I scraped the middle out.

SH: What? My Oreos?

Me: You asked what you could do to make me happy.

SH: You should have kept those weird Oreos you got at Target and just eaten those.

* At least it was deflated and sitting inside the living room. Some of our neighbors are still turning on their outdoor Christmas lights. People. It's Lent.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 663: You're not doing it right

SH: No, don't do that!

Me: All I'm doing is asking Cuisinart if the [coffee] carafe is going to break again after a year.

SH: I can't believe you're wasting time writing to customer service. You don't have the model number or the serial number.

Me: They're not required fields.

SH: But you're not being technically accurate!

Me: So?

SH: When I correspond with a company about a product, I want to provide as many technical details as possible. What kind is it? What are the specs?

Me: Yeah? I don't care about that. I care about getting a free replacement. You just want to show off.

SH: Maybe the helpless housewife approach is better.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 662: Chocotherapy

SH: I had some chocolate cereal for breakfast.

Me: Uh-huh.

SH: And I just had some Death by Chocolate custard mixed with a chocolate cupcake.

Me: That sounds good.

SH: Maybe I'm not so cranky any more.

Marriage 301, Lecture 330: Hanging in there

SH: Hey! You took my hanger! [that was perched on the ledge at the top of the stairs by SH's office]

Me: Yeah? So what?

SH: I was going to use that!

Me: Fine. I'll get you another one [from the guest room].

SH: But I don't want this kind [wooden].

Me: What about this [wire] one?

SH: That's not the same! The one you took was thicker!

Me: OK. Here's one that's a little thicker.

SH: No! It's not right!

Me: OK you big baby. I'll get you your hanger.

SH: What did you do with it?

Me: I took it downstairs and used it to hang clothes.

Me [after trip downstairs and back upstairs holding three t-shirts, hanging, that I got at Target for $2.50 each this morning and they weren't even made in China by slave labor]: There. It's one of these three hangers. I don't know which one.

SH: Oh. They all look like this one [that I got him out of the guest room closet]. Maybe this one is OK.

Me: I told you so.

Marriage 301, Lecture 695: On target

SH: I want to quit my job and go into politics.

Me: That's fine. Only two more years [until the alimony is done] and then you can do it.

SH: But I want to do it now!

Me: Why?

SH: Because I need to fix things now!

Me: Oh honey don't worry. The world will still be screwed up in two years.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 577: Kix are for kids

SH: I want some of those chocolate mini-wheats.

Me: But you whined when I bought some. [Because they were on sale on the bargain counter, not because we fall into the trap of paying $4.79 for five cents worth of wheat and $3.20 worth of advertising and sugar.]

SH: I didn't whine. I made fun of you. But you were right. I like them.

Me: I told you so.

Marriage 301, Lecture 549: Lent

Me: I think I'll give up politics for Lent.

SH: What do you mean?

Me: No talking about it.

SH: But that hurts me! That's not fair!

Me: No it doesn't. It's not like you can't talk about politics with other people. Just not with me.

SH: I don't like it.

Me: It's not like I'm giving up [wxyz], which you can't do with anyone else.

SH: Well. Yes.

Me: I mean, I have my boyfriend for when you're out of town or otherwise occupied, but you're not allowed.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 554: Danger

SH: I've been thinking.

Me: [Uh oh]

SH: About something.

Me: [Oh great he wants a divorce]

SH: And I've come to realize that you were right.

Me: What? About what?

SH: About the laundry. You know how I complained that I didn't like my clothes and towels dried on the clothesline because it makes them rough?

Me: Yes.

SH: But you're right. They do smell better. I miss that smell.

Me: Wait. Let me get something for you to sign that I was right.

SH: You're right about a lot of things! Just not politics.

Marriage 301, Lecture 660: For worse

Me: Quit whining!

SH: But I'm a whiner. It's my job to whine.

Me: It's not my job to listen.

SH: Yes it is. You're my wife. It's in the spousal responsibilities.

Me: I don't remember reading that part in the contract.

Marriage 301, Lecture 634: He could buy a Porsche and get a mistress instead so I guess I shouldn't complain

SH: Now that I'm going to be canvassing and going to meetings, I'll be taking more showers.

Me: So?

SH: Maybe we can - you know - get busy more.

Me: Because you're taking more showers? Showers so you're presentable for strangers?

SH: It's a side benefit.

Me: But you don't want to shower just to be presentable for me.

SH: No! I just mean we should take advantage.

Me: Uh-huh.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 440: The big romance

Me: So do you want to [wxyz] or not?

SH: I dunno.

Me: We don't have to. I'm reading a good book.

SH: I have to take a shower. I have to take my clothes off anyhow. We might as well.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 609: Saving you from yourself

Sh: Hey! You ate them! [the donut holes from the bakery day-old shelf]

Me: I know.

SH: But they're all gone! There aren't any for me!

Me: You were complaining about the trans-fat in them.

SH: I like them!

Me: After you went on about the fat, I thought you didn't want any. I didn't want you to be forced to eat something that's so bad for you. I did it for you.

Marriage 301, Lecture 607: To sleep, perchance

Me: This is making me crazy. There is something in my nose that whistles and I can hear it when I am trying to fall asleep.

SH: I hear it, too. Don't worry: it doesn't keep me from falling asleep.

Me: I'm not worried about you! It keeps me awake, even with earplugs!

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Wisconsin 101: I spit - pah, pah! - on you

At the reading program where I volunteer.

Five year old girl: Hey! You got spit on my face! [If this indeed happened, it was when I was speaking in her direction. I am not usually a spitter.]

Me: Oh I'm sorry!

Girl: It's OK.

Girl: Spit is supposed to stay in your mouth. Not go on me.

Me: You are absolutely right.

Girl: Not supposed to spit on other people.

Me: I know. I know.

Girl: Don't be spitting on me.

Me: I am really sorry.

Girl: I said OK!