Monday, March 14, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 631: For way worse

4 a.m. SH has turned over and groaned that he doesn't feel good, he can't sleep, he's scared something is really wrong with him. It hurts in his gut. This concerns me, as SH never complains about not feeling well. Yes, he complains and whines - he and Laverne get together and have their little stereo whinefests - but he never complains about not feeling well. He is cast iron.

The few times he has been sick, he has not wanted any drugs, so I have had to force sudafed (you don't need an ID to vote in Wisconsin but you do need one to buy cold medicine!) on him just so we can get some sleep. I keep a full pharmacy under the bathroom sink with a potion or unguent for every possibility. I don't like pain. Don't like it at all.

I also have a large, expensive supply of migraine drugs, none of which work on me. Topamax? I lost some weight the first time I took it. It killed my appetite. It removed my desire to eat. Oh how I loved that drug. But it did not prevent headaches.

Blood pressure meds? Made me weak and slow but didn't stop the headaches. Depakote? Made my hair fall out but did not stop the headaches. Lamictal? Also made my hair fall out. Did not stop headaches.

Thousands of dollars of drugs (I mean it: my current drug, Lyrica, for which I have a $140 copay oh yes that's one hundred and forty dollars for a three- month supply, costs over $1,000 retail) in my bathroom. And most of them don't work for me. I tried to give away the depakote by posting something on facebook, which inspired my nurse practitioner sister to snap, "That's illegal!"

I go into my Pre-Med in College mode, a mode that lasted one year until I realized I 1. was really bad at chemistry, although maybe, maybe if I had worn my glasses in class so I could see the blackboard and if I had asked for help I might have done better, and 2. I hated being around sick people.

Me: Where is the pain? Is it localized? Sharp? Dull? Intermittent?

SH: All over. It hurts all over in my gut. It's not my appendix.

Me: Should I call the doctor?

SH: I don't know.

Me: Should I take you to urgent care? There's a place right down the street and it's on our insurance.

SH: I don't know.

Me: I'm going to google your symptoms.

Which I do. To discover that 1. abdominal pain causes are very difficult to diagnose and it's not something they could solve and treat in the urgent care anyhow, and 2. he probably does not have diverticulitis, cancer, IBS, gallstones, as he has had no abdominal complaints until just now. Four o'clock in the morning. When I wanted to be sleeping. He is probably not in labor. The most obvious problem is - ahem - digestive issues.

I point this out to him and he agrees that it's probably not the major conditions I listed, but notes that he is indeed in pain. Having had severe digestive issues myself before, I sympathize, because man, it can hurt.

SH: Maybe it was the egg.

Me: The egg?

SH: Remember that cracked egg I showed you this morning [as he was making omelets for breakfast]?

Me: I thought you threw that away.

SH: I did. But there was another one with a smaller crack that I did use.

Ah. Salmonella. Even rubbing the back for a very long time of a person with salmonella does not bring sleep.

Finally, he says that maybe he should try going to the bathroom.

SH: Close your eyes

Me: Why?

SH: Because I want to turn on the light so I can find my car magazine.

Me: I'm pretty sure you're not going to die of this if you're thinking of the new BMWs.

Which is a huge relief to me as I don't want him to die before I do because I don't want to be stuck cleaning out all of his crap in the basement and if he is going to die before we are old, I want it to be in an accident so I at least get the AD&D rider on his life insurance. And because I would really miss him.


Richard in NY said...

Never give sudafed to someone who wants to sleep. It's synthetic adrenaline and causes insomnia. If he's too congested to sleep use a spray like Afrin.

Class factotum said...

Richard, the sudafed was so he could breath without snoring so I could sleep.