Sunday, April 24, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 520: "Freaks out when bird poops on head" is SH's Indian name

The Song of Something Bad Happened.

Step 1: Define the problem

SH [as I return from my walk that was supposed to be a run but I just didn't feel like running]: Shirley's gone! I can't find her!

Me: Oh. Well, she's around here somewhere.

SH: No! I've looked all over! I think she got out!

Me: I don't know how she could have.

Step 2: Assign blame

SH: You must have let her out when you left!

Me: No, I don't think so.

Step 3: Freak out

SH: Where is she? I've shaken the food box. I've looked all over. She's gone! Our cat is gone!

Me: Shirley isn't a runner. Did you look in the basement?

SH: Yes! She's not there!

Me: She's around here somewhere.

Step 4: Demand shared freaking out

SH: You're not looking! Where is she? Oh no! OH NO!

Me: Here she is.

SH: What?! Where was she?

Me: In the closet. Didn't you look there?

SH: Yes, but she wasn't there.

Me: Yes she was. You just didn't do it right.

Step 5: Deconstruct

Me: Were you panicking while I was gone?

SH: Not out loud because you weren't here. I had ten minutes' worth of freakout stored up when you got home.

Me: If you ever run for office, your campaign slogan can be, "I panic so you don't have to." Your song can be "Le Freak."

No comments: