Friday, July 29, 2011

Marriage 301, Lecture 359: Where do you want to be when The End comes?

SH and I have been preparing for the apocalypse. When the End Days really do come (aren't they supposed to be here in September? and only the Good People will be assumpted and the rest of us are Left Behind - whatever - which reminds of the joke here*), SH and I will not go hungry.

Neither will my mother, as she has a fully stocked kitchen, deep freezer, garage and basement pantry.

SH and I are pikers compared to my mom, who, in addition to having enough food to keep her neighborhood from going hungry (and it's all labeled), has the organizational and command and control skills to get civilization going again. How else do you describe a woman who handled not one but six trans-oceanic moves by herself, including four with children in the house?

Back to SH and me. We went to Pittsburgh for his high school reunion and for him to scope out Wife #3, as he has discovered that reunions are a good place to pick up chicks, and, apparently, to buy groceries, as food is no longer available in Wisconsin, except at Costco, which was where we went last weekend after visiting Bonnie and Gary at their lake house.

SH loves Costco and amazon prime and has no interest in doing a cost-benefit analysis of the membership fee vs the discounts because although he rails against the military-industrial complex, he is in thrall to its benefits and feels enormous loyalty to companies.

I, the rabid capitalist and free marketeer, do not share his beliefs and think we should ignore sunk costs. Each transaction should be evaluated independently.

[SH: But we got such a good deal on the TV from Costco! We should keep being their customer!

Me: What have they done for us lately?]

SH also loves buying crappy little things displayed at the end cap and on woot. "It was a good price!" he will say, as I try to point out that 1. it is crap and 2. we do not need it.

Back to Pittsburgh. Do you know what we bought in Pittsburgh?


Because you just can't get cheese in Wisconsin.

We also bought Italian cookies, Italian candy, Italian sausage, dried beans, rice, guava jam, Mexican hot sauce, and crackers. Mexican peanuts, chili and lime flavors. Sea salt chocolates. Rosemary chocolates. Cayenne chocolates. Mexican Coca Cola with cane sugar.

And cheese. Fifteen pounds of PennMac cheese.

And then we carried that cheese (and the other groceries) all the way back to Milwaukee, over two days of driving through Michigan in a vain attempt to see the dunes and the shore from the road (Note to State of Michigan: If you name a road "Scenic Drive" and place it parallel to the lake, then perhaps it should have a view of THE LAKE and not just of the trees next to the road), on the coal-burning ferry from Luddington to Manitowoc, and then down the Wisconsin side of the lake to Milwaukee.

Two nights of carrying the cooler into the hotel. (See: If it takes two trips to get it in, it will take two trips to get it out.) Three days of hoping the cheese and chocolate and sausage would not melt despite being in a cooler because of the darned hottest weather in a long time, weather hot enough that I had to call my next-door neighbor to ask her to turn on the a/c for the cats, a/c we hardly use for people because 1. we are cheap and 2. our house is usually very, very good at holding in the cold.

And now we find ourselves with

1. Cheese and
2. Rice and
3. More cheese


4. A gallon of olive oil and
5. four pounds of butter because it comes out to $2.35/lb, which is a good price these days - have you noticed what has been happening to dairy and bacon prices and the price of anything where corn (I spit on you, ethanol) is an input?
6. three pounds of Usinger's bacon
7. ten pounds of coffee, both decaf and caf, as I have discovered that my migraine problem all along has been caffeine and wouldn't it have been useful for my $800/hour neurologist, on my first visit, to have handed me a list of foods that I should try eliminating from my diet, one by one, to see if there was an impact on my headaches, because if I had discovered the problem was caffeine a few years ago, then I wouldn't have wasted my money and my insurance company's money on drugs that don't work for me (depakote, lyrica, lamictal) and my hair would not have spent all last summer falling out and
8. more cheese, all of which we got at Costco.

Then, just to keep things interesting, I bought 25 lbs of peaches from the peach truck that comes from Georgia to Wisconsin.

And we still don't have anything to eat for lunch.

* A man went to heaven and was being shown around by St. Peter. As they went from
cloud to cloud they came to various doors that St. Peter would open. In one room, there
was a large group rolling on the floor and speaking in tongues.

"The Pentecostals" he said.

Next was a serious ritual. "Our Jewish persuasion," he announced.

Then another ritualistic service. "Our Catholics."

At the next cloud, he didn't open the door but instead put his forefinger to his lips in
the hush motion and they both tiptoed past. Once past, the man asked,"What that was
all about?"

"Those are the [insert denomination of your choice]," he explained. "They think
they are the only ones here."

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