Saturday, July 02, 2011

The moral of the story is to buy more expensive sheets

This was going to be a post about how after a total cost of ownership analysis, it is perfectly clear that regular pedicures are cheaper in the long run than buying new sheets, sheets that have been worn thin at just one spot by my gnarly, unpedicured heels and that tore last night when my foot got caught in the tiny starter tear that appeared after I laundered the sheets on Thursday, a tear that I wanted to blame on Laverne lunging at the sheets with her clipped claws as she protected the yard from invaders while the sheets dried on the line but couldn't blame on her because that cat can't even kill a chipmunk all the way. I can't see her slashing sheets.

It was the feet. Had to be the feet.

At last! I thought. Vindication for the gold-digging life I want to live! There is a financial benefit to frequent professional foot and toe care!

And then I did the math.

Even going to the beauty school once a month is more than buying new sheets twice a year:

Beauty school
Parking $2
Pedicure $12
Tip $3
Total $17

Sheets $40 on sale

If math is hard for you, I will skip to the end:

Twelve pedicures a year cost a lot more than one set of sheets. And we use our sheets for more than a year.

Don't judge me. Well, do. But only if all your linens are perfect. And be funny about it.

In a related story, when SH suggested we just buy new sheets (what?! we just bought two new lampshades and a new bath mat! are we made of money in this house?), I told him don't be silly I can repair this but you have to promise not to interfere or micromanage in any way.

I think I have mentioned that SH is on sabbatical this summer which means he is home really all the time instead of just most of the time as he usually is with working at home. Now

he is home + not working = he is bored

and wants to supervise how I do the things that I do that I have been doing just fine since we got married and as a matter of fact just darn fine since I started living on my own at the age of 20 which was almost three decades ago thank you very much.

I already know how to 1. wash dishes 2. wash a floor 3. do laundry 4. cut the grass 5. take out the trash and 6. etc etc etc. I do not need helpful suggestions from the peanut gallery although if he is willing to take over certain activities, I am more than willing to surrender responsibility. I don't care how something gets done as long as it gets done.

Usually, the way something like this works is I just wait until he goes on a business trip and then I set myself to the task at hand, which becomes a fait accompli upon his return. Painting the bathroom, getting shelves for the basement, etc.

But this project could not be delayed unless I wanted the sheet to be in ribbons. Which meant I had to head him off at the pass with a promise to stay out of it. I already knew I wasn't willing to cut up a pillowcase to patch the sheet - talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face - and I knew that he would get all "Oh no. Oh no! OH NO!" if he knew I was going to use a patch that didn't match the sheet.

The Song of Something Bad Happened

Because interior design and fashion are SH's life.

After I extracted the promise from him, I hauled out the sewing equipment and did the necessary. He looked at the finished product, rolled his eyes, and informed me that the patch would have to go on my side by my feet and not on his side by his head because he didn't want anyone to see it.

As in, there are so many people besides us who see the unmade bed?

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