Thursday, December 08, 2011

Marriage 401, Lecture 417: Better to light a single candle

At book club this week, my friend who shall go unnamed because I don't think she would want to be named was telling us about a woman she knows who is fairly straitlaced. As in when Straitlaced Woman visited My Friend in the hospital, the nurse thought she was a missionary.

"You mean dressed like 'Big Love?'" I asked. Those prairie dresses and Michelle Duggar hair blessherheart flatter no one.

"Nope, just - just - missionary," My Friend said. Then she found a photo on her smartypants phone and passed it around.

Yep. Missionary.

You guys know I am not that straitlaced. Oh sure I have my views on What's Right and What's Wrong and woe to anyone who crosses my path - lady, don't even THINK about getting into the express lane with 17 items or you will indeed feel the glare of my wrath as I stare pointedly, POINTEDLY, I say, at your overflowing basket - but you know that I talk about farts and [wxyz] here* and I want to tell you a story about the HBO show "Rome" and the naked slave who was adorned in a way I have never seen a man adorned if you know what I mean and about SH and the ideal proportions but I have to clear it with SH first.

But when my friend gave us an example of how straitlaced this woman was, I didn't think it was all that.

"She has three children. She knows what happens! But when she wants to initiate things with her husband, she lights a candle!"

"Oh," I said. "The [wxyz] candle! Doesn't everyone have one of those?"

Heads swiveled my way.

I shrugged.

Eyes rolled. Then the questions flew - to my friend, not to me.

"What happens if he doesn't feel like it?"

The consensus was that 1. men never don't feel like it.

Which is not true, but it is rare.

"How does he start it?"

We were stumped. Was she in complete control of the candle and the events? Or did he have any rights in this area at all. If the candle is lit, don't come knockin', but if the candle isn't lit, does that mean NO [WXYZ]! NONE! Or can he light the candle?

All we know is that candle has been lit three times.

* EVERYONE farts. And almost everyone has [wxyz]. I am seeking the universal human experiences here. This is deep literature.


Evelynne said...

Well, this is going to keep me awake at night, wondering. Since Your Friend apparently knows Straightlaced Woman well enough to know they have a [wxyz] candle, I'll hold out hope that somehow the logistics of using it will someday come to light.

Maybe I should try that candle thing. It seems a little more mysterious and romantic than the "Well, how about it?" I usually employ.

Also I am in full agreement that this is deep literature!

Jen on the Edge said...

I've never heard of the [wxyz] candle. When I want to initiate things, I just tell my husband and vice versa.

Class factotum said...

Evelynne, I have asked her for more information. There are many inquiring minds.

Even if you do just say straight out that hey, how about some [wxyz], it is nice to have a candle that is dedicated to that activity. Wood wick chocolate is very nice.

Rubiatonta said...

Everyone also picks their nose. Add that to your list, please.

I can't comment on the [wxyz] candle because I've become inadvertently monastic.