Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Marriage 401, Lecture 892: Waste not, stink not
Do any of you face this dilemma?
How do you throw away your husband's stuff without his going into the trash to get it?
I am not talking about the things I am dying to get my hands on and get rid of forever, like the box of phone bills from 1997 or his employee manual from when he worked at Apple in 1992 or whatever year it was - when the stock was not doing well or else we would be rolling in it - or the Beavis and Butthead masks, all of which I have promised not to touch while he is alive.
I am talking about things that anyone should have the authority to discard.
Like the empty deodorant containers.
SH claims they aren't empty yet. "Look!" he says. "All I have to do is bang it on the counter and more comes out!"
And then he demonstrates.
I tried last month to throw them out. There are two. I tried to throw away the two empty to the naked eye deodorant containers. I had tried to eke out more deodorant - remember, I am from the Tribe of We Who Do Not Waste, but there was none to be had by the normal means of screwing the bottom wheel to force the product out of the top. They were empty.
My mistake was that I put them in the bathroom trash instead of taking them outside and burying them under the kitty litter in the big trash bin.
Except he has been known to snatch junk mail back out of the recycling bin, claiming that I am withholding precious information about a Time Share Opportunity NOW! from him.
Later that day, after SH emerged from the shower, I heard a banging on the counter. He had retrieved the deodorant and was eking out the last sixteenth of a teaspoon.
That was a month ago. I heard the same banging yesterday. The deodorant still lives.
"I don't want to waste it!" he says.
OK. But then why does he feel compelled to rinse containers that are going into the trash? Not even the recycling, but the trash? Is that not a waste of water?
I won't even get into the waste of money that is beer and wine.
Next time, I put the deodorant in my purse and throw it away at the gym.