Thursday, April 12, 2012

The moral is just buy the doughnut already


The moral of this story is not to be a pig.

Or maybe it's that you should just eat what you want instead of eating all around it and not getting what you want.

I felt like eating a doughnut the other day. That's one of those foods we rarely have in our house, mostly because neither of us has much self control. You know about SH and the Dill Pickle Pringles in the basement. Just today, I brought home a bunch of post-Easter candy from Walgreen's. It's half price after Easter. You knew that, right? They even had robin's eggs this year. The past few years, they've been running out of those before Easter. I got two bags of the Cadbury dark chocolate eggs and a bag of dark chocolate M&Ms. All of this at SH's request, I might add, so I asked him to hide them from me.

Which he did.

In a place that I found in about two seconds.

When I hide his dark chocolate nonpareils from him at Christmas, he cannot find them. I am a far better hider than SH.

Back to the doughnut. We don't keep them in the house because we cannot control ourselves and doughnuts are not something you can hide easily.

I've made doughnuts from scratch before, but they haven't turned out too well. Using the deep fat fryer is kind of a pain and you really have to be careful not to make your doughnuts too big or they will be raw in the middle. Still, when you get it right, they are awesome.

That's one of the keys to a successful doughnut experience: the doughnut has to be fresh. Fresh. Stale doughnuts are no good.

So the other day, when I was craving a doughnut and the craving wouldn't go away, no matter how many Cadbury milk chocolate eggs I ate - the bag came back with SH from California, courtesy of our friend Kathy, perhaps the solution should have been to buy a darn doughnut already. Seventy five cents for a doughnut. The budget would bear it.

That would have been the logical thing.

Instead, I stopped at Sendik's on my way to the gym. Instead of heading right to the bakery for a 75 cent apple fritter, I went left to the produce department, which is also where the bakery day-old cart is.

Sometimes, it's worth it to spend the money.

But there was a package of day-old doughnuts on the cart. Four of them for $1.50. Seventy five cents is cheaper than $1.50, but $1.50 divided by four is less than 75.

I bought the day-old doughnuts.

I sat in the car. I pulled the plastic wrap off the package. I pulled off part of the cruller and ate it. It was stale.

I pulled off part of the lemon-filled doughnut and ate it. It was stale.

I pulled off part of the cherry fritter and ate it. It was stale.

I pulled off part of the chocolate-covered doughnut and ate it. It was stale and way too sweet.

So did I do the logical things? The logical things being, 1. to stop eating the stale doughnuts and 2. to walk back into the store and buy one good, fresh fritter.

No. I did not.

I just ate most of the rest of the stale doughnuts. Then I drove across the street to the Y. Even though I had licked them off, my fingers were still sticky, which meant I had to drive by touching the steering wheel only with my palms. Fortunately, I didn't have far to go.

I got my gym bag out of the back seat. What to do with the remains of the doughnuts? I had already decided that they weren't very good, but I also knew that not being very good would not be enough to stop me from eating the rest of them when I got done swimming.

I did what I had to do: I took the remains of the doughnuts with me so I could throw them out.

Only I didn't want anyone to see me with a tray of half-eaten doughnuts, so I held it close to my chest. When I got to the door of the gym, a woman whom I really like from my aerobics class was coming out. I would like to be friends with her, but who is going to want to be friends with a stale doughnut eater?

She started to talk to me, but I ducked my head. "Have a great Easter!" she said.

"Oh you too!" I answered as I walked right past her to the trash can.

As soon as she was gone, I threw the tray with the dissected doughnuts away.

She has a great figure and she actually exercises when she's in aerobics. She'll even sweat. I make half-hearted moves and glare at the instructor when she wants us to "Woo-woo!" I am not a "Woo-woo-er."

I really don't think she'd want to be friends with a stale doughnut eater.

About half an hour after I had finished eating what I ate, I started to feel sick to my stomach.

Stale doughnuts do not leave you feeling good. I felt sick while I swam and then all afternoon.

The next time, I am just going to go straight to the bakery counter and buy one fresh doughnut.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just love your honesty! You gave me such a good laugh. Thank you!
Kathy

Joy said...

Now I want a doughnut.

Class factotum said...

Thank you, Kathy!

Joy, get a fresh one. Don't waste time with the day old stuff.

webb said...

Two words: Krispy Kreme!

Also, go back to Walmart and get a package (or six) of the Milky Way "Simply Caramel Bunnies". You will not regret it.

Joy said...

Sounds like you usually go to northern Wisconsin when you leave Milwaukee, but if you ever happen to be driving through western Wisconsin, go to Myers Bakery in Arcadia. Fabulous doughnuts. Maple long john, jelly filled, lovely bear claws, basic sugared raised doughnut...they are so so so good. Myers also does amazing mocha cake, which has no chocolate or coffee (no idea where the name came from--it's squares of cake rolled in thin icing and chopped peanuts).

Class factotum said...

Webb, I don't know if they have Krispy Kreme up here. And don't tempt me with Caramel Bunnies. I am already taking half of my pants - NEW from last year! - to consignment. Marriage is fattening.

Joy, the next time we drive to Minneapolis, we'll have to swing through Arcadia. Isn't there an artist colony somewhere near there, too?

That mocha cake sounds great. It reminds me of the Oreo cake that this bakery from Racine sells at the state fair. It's a chocolate cake square covered with fluffy white frosting (I usually don't like frosting, but I like this one) and then crumbled bits of Oreos, which I also usually don't like. The gestalt of it is amazing, though.