Friday, December 21, 2012

Marriage 501, Lecture 643: Do you see what I see?

As we are driving home from supper out.

Me: Did you see that?!

SH: What?

Me: Over there! In the cemetery! There's a car! On headstones! With its lights on!

SH: No. I didn't see it.

I whip out my phone and start dialing.

SH: Who are you calling? Are you calling the police?

Me: Yes! That is not where a car is supposed to be!

Operator: 911. What is your emergency?

Me: Well, it's not exactly my emergency, but I just saw a car in the cemetery at -- Where are we?

SH: Did you call 911? That's not an emergency!

Me: Where are we?

SH: Sixtieth. At Bluemound.

Me: On 60th. Just a few blocks south of Bluemound.

Operator: Hang on. I'm going to connect you to the police.

SH: I can't believe you called 911 for that!

Me: Who was I supposed to call?

SH: The police!

Me: They're connecting me to the police.

SH: But you shouldn't have called 911! You should called the police directly. You should have looked up the number and called them.

Me: The last time I tried that, they told me to call 911.

SH: Are you sure you even saw anything? I didn't see anything.

For the record, this is the man who did not see the "I am going to die" tattooed in two-inch letters on the waiter's arm last night. And the waiter and SH know each other - it's not the first time SH has ever seen this guy.

SH is also the man who, when we were working our way through the airport in Morocco, did not see the women with the blue tattoos on their faces. How do you not notice blue tattoos on someone's face? How can you not notice that?

So I knew that just because SH had not seen the car on the headstones was not a reason to doubt myself.

Besides, SH has been having an off day, so he is even less trustworthy. He made coffee without a filter and then he vacuumed up not one but two - two! - cat toys, the second 90 seconds after he vacuumed up the first one and had to retrieve it from the canister. Don't you think if you vacuum up one cat toy that you might be on the alert for other cat toys?

Me: Of course I'm sure!

SH: Maybe we should go back and look before you call the police.

Me: I saw it.

SH: You could have been hallucinating.

Right. Because I hallucinate all the time. I might be a bad driver, I might throw away the wrong FexEx receipt, I might put the dishes away wet (that's deliberate), but I do not hallucinate.

Me [hissing]: I was not hallucinating!

Operator 2: 911. What is your emergency?

Me: Oh. I thought they were connecting me to the police.

O2: This is the police. What is your emergency.

Me: Well, it's not exactly an emergency, but I just saw a car in the graveyard off 60th and it did not look like it was supposed to be there. It was on the headstones.

SH [muttering]: Hallucinating.

O2: Oh. I thought that was taken care of.

Me: What?

O2: Well, that was just called in and I already dispatched someone. I thought it was already resolved.

Me: Ha! See! My husband thought I was hallucinating but someone else already called it in, SH!

SH: Oh.

Me: Ha.

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