Saturday, February 02, 2013

Marriage 501, Lecture 2: STOP TALKING



SH: It smells like pizza in here.

Me: I baked that bread.

SH: Oh! Is it good?

Me: Yes. It better be, after all that work. [I made the sourdough starter on Monday, made the sponge on Wednesday, mixed the dough last night, and baked the bread today. It doesn't take a lot of time for each step, but it is a long process.]

SH: Hey! There's nuts in it!

Me: I know.

SH: Are there nuts in both loaves?

Me: Of course.

SH: But I don't want nuts!

Me: What do you mean?

SH: Nuts! I don't want nuts in my bread!

Me: Since when?

SH: You can't have nuts in sandwich bread! What if I want cheese on it?

Me: Then eat cheese on it.

SH: But it doesn't go! You know I don't like nuts in things!

Me: No, I don't. You liked the walnut bread at Menage.

SH: That was an appetizer!

Me: How was I supposed to know?

SH: I don't like nuts in ice cream or chocolate.

Me: Yes, but you have explained that's because the nuts dilute the chocolate - that the only thing you want in chocolate is other chocolate. This is bread. It's savory.

SH: Why didn't you tell me?

Me: It never occurred to me. You need to write these rules down. I can't keep them all straight. Nuts OK in appetizer bread. Not in sourdough bread.

SH: But I don't like it.

Me: I don't care. Pretend it's just for me. Pretend I didn't even bake any. There. Now you're no worse off than you were this morning.

SH: I do like cinnamon rolls with nuts, though.

Me: You need to stop talking.

SH: I don't understand how this could happen. Why didn't you tell me you were making bread with nuts?

Me: Because I didn't think it was necessary. Next time, I'll make it without nuts. There. Problem solved.

SH: But how did this happen? Why didn't you discuss it with me?

Me: Why does it matter why? In the future, I will take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.

SH: I just don't understand. I saw the dough in the fridge on Wednesday and on Thursday and yesterday and there were no nuts! 

Me: Stop. Stop talking.

SH: But-

Me [the Hand of Shut Up to his face]: Stop. Stop.

SH: Bu-

Me: STOP.

SH: B -

Me: Shut up! Stop talking!

SH: But! We have to understand why this happened!

Me: Honestly! You want to do this deep root cause analysis to identify the problem and design a solution but I HAVE ALREADY COME UP WITH A SOLUTION! SO THERE IS NO NEED TO CONTINUE THE ANALYSIS!

SH [mournfully]: I can't use it for sandwiches. Or with cheese. Or for anything else than plain bread.

Me: Shut. Up.

Later:

SH: Hey. This is pretty good with butter.


12 comments:

Evelynne said...

Ohhh, man that last line made me laugh out loud. I'm glad he found a use for the current bread, especially since you put so much work into it. :)

Ohiofarmgirl said...

*nods understandingly*

Gracie's Mom said...

If I see a news report about how your husband was found buried in your back yard I will understand completely.

Class factotum said...

Evelynne, he decided that it is good with cheese, too. Who knew?

Farmgirl and Gracie's Mom, if you're on the jury, you won't convict, right?

LPC said...

Thank you for making me chuckle out loud.

I forget, are you on Twitter?

Class factotum said...

You're welcome, LPC. Nope - not on twitter. Are you?

Tanya Lochridge said...

And, this my friends, is why I have remained single after all these years! Fourteen years of that constant chatter & questioning was more than I could handle! So funny.

LPC said...

Oh yes I am. @AmidPrivilege. And I just linked to this post because it made me laugh!

Class factotum said...

Thanks, LPC!

Tanya, I love my husband but I do miss my single, quiet days.

Gaylin said...

Conversations like this make me oh so happy to be single.
Good thing you love the guy!

webb said...

Acquit n definiftely. Ifthere were anyone with grounds for justifiable homicide, its you!

[Sorry, SH.]

Class factotum said...

I love him. He drives me nuts, but I love him. :)