Saturday, February 02, 2013
Marriage 501, Lecture 2: STOP TALKING
SH: It smells like pizza in here.
Me: I baked that bread.
SH: Oh! Is it good?
Me: Yes. It better be, after all that work. [I made the sourdough starter on Monday, made the sponge on Wednesday, mixed the dough last night, and baked the bread today. It doesn't take a lot of time for each step, but it is a long process.]
SH: Hey! There's nuts in it!
Me: I know.
SH: Are there nuts in both loaves?
Me: Of course.
SH: But I don't want nuts!
Me: What do you mean?
SH: Nuts! I don't want nuts in my bread!
Me: Since when?
SH: You can't have nuts in sandwich bread! What if I want cheese on it?
Me: Then eat cheese on it.
SH: But it doesn't go! You know I don't like nuts in things!
Me: No, I don't. You liked the walnut bread at Menage.
SH: That was an appetizer!
Me: How was I supposed to know?
SH: I don't like nuts in ice cream or chocolate.
Me: Yes, but you have explained that's because the nuts dilute the chocolate - that the only thing you want in chocolate is other chocolate. This is bread. It's savory.
SH: Why didn't you tell me?
Me: It never occurred to me. You need to write these rules down. I can't keep them all straight. Nuts OK in appetizer bread. Not in sourdough bread.
SH: But I don't like it.
Me: I don't care. Pretend it's just for me. Pretend I didn't even bake any. There. Now you're no worse off than you were this morning.
SH: I do like cinnamon rolls with nuts, though.
Me: You need to stop talking.
SH: I don't understand how this could happen. Why didn't you tell me you were making bread with nuts?
Me: Because I didn't think it was necessary. Next time, I'll make it without nuts. There. Problem solved.
SH: But how did this happen? Why didn't you discuss it with me?
Me: Why does it matter why? In the future, I will take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.
SH: I just don't understand. I saw the dough in the fridge on Wednesday and on Thursday and yesterday and there were no nuts!
Me: Stop. Stop talking.
Me [the Hand of Shut Up to his face]: Stop. Stop.
SH: B -
Me: Shut up! Stop talking!
SH: But! We have to understand why this happened!
Me: Honestly! You want to do this deep root cause analysis to identify the problem and design a solution but I HAVE ALREADY COME UP WITH A SOLUTION! SO THERE IS NO NEED TO CONTINUE THE ANALYSIS!
SH [mournfully]: I can't use it for sandwiches. Or with cheese. Or for anything else than plain bread.
Me: Shut. Up.
SH: Hey. This is pretty good with butter.