Monday, March 04, 2013

Marriage 501, Lecture 732: I married a panicker, Part 1


Perhaps the moral to this story is that I should not cook when I am jetlagged. Or hungover from melatonin. If there are side effects to be had, I will get them. Dizziness, nausea, and disorientation? I got it! That, plus jet lag plus not enough sleep, is what I think - as opposed to traditional carelessness - led to my injury.

I am usually quite cautious around things that can hurt me, like fire, sharp edges, and pointy points. Usually.

But not today. Today was the day that I did not respect the mandoline. It only takes once.

I will write more about my trip to an unspecified Middle Eastern country later. (It's unspecified not because I care if you guys know where I went but because on the off chance that one of my co-workers stumbles across my blog, I want to be less recognizable. Not that I trash my co-workers or my job here - at least, I hope I do not, because that would not be wise or nice PLUS I LIKE MY JOB AND EVERYONE I WORK WITH SO DON'T FIRE ME!)

I'll write more about it later and there will be plenty to write about because SH accompanied me this time and because I had a pedicure that took forever because the ladies were watching their Filipino soap opera where I didn't even have to speak the language to know what was going on and then SH and I got lost on the way to the Metro for him to go to the airport and there was drama.

Anyhow. I got back yesterday  morning from my trip and slept all afternoon and then went to bed at 9:00 p.m. and slept just fine until midnight, when I woke up and couldn't fall asleep again until 4:00 a.m. I took a risk and took a melatonin. I had done that once, in 1995, and had such a horrible reaction - have you ever felt like you are about to jump out of your skin? I have. And I don't like it.

But SH swears by it and it was a tiny dose and I thought, "Heck, I'm already awake. It can't make me any more awake, can it?"

So I took out my sexy mouthguard and chewed the tiny melatonin tablet and got back into bed and eventually, I fell asleep. Then I woke up at 8:40 a.m. because 1. Laverne would not shut up and 2. I was starving, despite my 1:00 a.m. snack of Aldi Baked Cheese Squares and bok choy.

I started making coffee and oatmeal after I fed the cats, but then felt so dizzy and nauseated that I went back to bed. I woke up again at noon, feeling slightly better.

Man. I am not even at the main story yet. I can ramble, can't I?

SO. The whole point is that I don't think I should be blamed so much for what happened unless you want to say, "CF! You should have known better than to start with the sharp objects! For dumb!"

And you would be correct. I was not doing it right.

I started the ropa vieja in the crockpot. Peeled and cut the carrots to roast them in butter to make carrot soup. Didn't get as far as the soup because the little roasted carrot bits were so good by themselves.

Then I started cutting the fennel on the mandoline. I have used this mandoline for over a dozen years. I have never once cut myself. I am always very careful. I do the first bit with my fingers, then use the finger guard as the veg gets smaller.


The fennel was falling apart. I guess - I know - my little finger - of the hand that was holding the fennel - got close to the blade.

Close enough that I thought, "Hm. I think that in addition to slicing fennel, I just sliced my finger."

When I lifted the mandoline, I saw that I was correct: A perfect little oval piece of CF finger lay on the top of the sliced fennel. A little fingertip garnish.

Then I looked at my finger. Which was now relieved of its tip.

OK. I am getting woozy here. I have to stop. I'll write the rest of this for the next post.

I will say in my defense that even if I should not have been around sharp objects, I still handle a crisis better than SH does.


Evelynne said...


I'm more like SH and I would DIE if this happened. OMG. A "garnish". AAAAAAAAAAA!!! I assume since you are typing this that you are going to survive so I don't need to worry about you. Hope you're recovering nicely.

Gracie's Mom said...

So tell me, since you are of the tribe who do not waste....did you throw out the fennel or just rinse it off and decide that the cooking heat would sterilize it. If I was just cooking for myself I have to admit I would be a rinser. EEEWWWWW Gross!

I hope you are recovering from your injury and not in too much pain.

webb said...

Sorry that happened. Husband did it a couple of years ago and did recover, but it took a while. Made him a LOT more careful with the mandolin!

Gaylin said...

You make me glad I don't have a mandolin.

Poor CF, heal quickly.

And note, put a yummy finished meal in the freezer before going away so you can thaw and eat and not zombie off body parts the day after you return.

Class factotum said...

Evelynne - So I don't want you around in an emergency, either! :)

Gracie's Mom - Of course I did not throw the fennel away! I tossed the fingertip and the piece of fennel on which it had landed. But we ate the rest. I called it "Fingertip salad." Which grossed SH out.

Webb - I am blaming the jet lag!

Gaylin - You know, I actually had food in the freezer but I was TOO DUMB and too jetlagged to use it! Next time, I will not be so dumb. I hope.