Tuesday, April 01, 2014

BIO A three-hour tour

Marsha, who runs the BIO thingy, wrote this:

You're going on a cruise (or any vacation, but a cruise kinda limits choices if you leave something at home),

What 10 items you cannot leave home without.

And, yes, one of them should be an outfit, or all 10 of them can be outfits.

This is tough because I hate being on a boat. I had enough of it in high school when I was in Sea Scouts. My dad also had a small sailboat at that time. The Sea Scouts boat was a 76' double-masted schooner and was a thing of beauty. Unfortunately, it sank years ago - it had a ferrocement hull and the cement cracked and water got into the underpinnings made of iron and as you know, unpainted iron and salt water do not mix so kerplunk.

I had a lot of being on a boat and to me, it's one of the most boring things I can think of because you are trapped with other people and I am an introvert and although I like other people, I want to be able to escape from them.

If you are on a boat and around other people, I am pretty sure it is considered rude to take out your book and read. Indeed, there was a letter to Miss Manners about this very issue recently in the Washington Post. Someone complained about her friend who whips out a book even if there is a group of them waiting for the opera to start.

I read that and thought, "Cool! I should totally take a book with me the next time SH and I go to the Milwaukee Rep!" Because is there any torture greater than waiting for something to happen when you have nothing to read?

People think it's rude. I think it's self preservation. One of the main reasons I like taking the bus to work is because I have all that extra time to read. I am confined (which I don't like) but cannot clean the bathroom or do my work so I can read without guilt.

However. Let's say that SH and I won a cruise. I would hope we would have won it with some of our friends, because having friends along would make it more bearable. But hear me, my friends! I will plan to be reading my book a lot of the time and not being social! If we could sit next to each other and read our books together, that would be like the best thing of all.

Wait. No. If we could sit next to each other and read our books while someone else brings us food and chocolate martinis and lattes. That would really be the best thing of all.

So SH and I and our friends are on a cruise where the ship is big enough that I can escape when I need to. What do I take?

1. Marsha said at least one outfit. You will definitely have to see what she writes about, because she does clothes. Me, not so much. I am happy if I make it through the day without toilet paper hanging off the back of my shoe.

But an outfit. If I knew nobody would see me, sweatpants and a t-shirt. If I have to appear in public and look nice, then my light wool red dress that wraps under the bodice and gives me an amazing shape.

The rest of the wardrobe would be jeans and t-shirts.

2. A hat and sunblock. There is a lovely woman at my gym. She is in her late 30s. Fabulous shape - super lean and fit and a six pack, even though she has had three children. Nice, nice woman.

I think she sits in a tanning bed. I want to tell her that she is doing it wrong - that she works out so hard and then bakes her skin to turn it into leather? What are you thinking? I want to yell. Do you know how awful your skin will look in ten years?

But these are not the kinds of things you tell acquaintances. You can say it to your best friends, but not someone you have seen naked but whose name you do not know.

3. My biteguard. Just because SH thinks it's so sexy.

4. Emergency food, just in case the ship's kitchen runs out. Don't laugh. You never know. I should probably take water, too.

5. Ziplock bags, just in case there is too much food and I want to take some home.

Oh like you wouldn't. Like you have never walked past the bowl of little Nutellas in the Delta lounge and slipped a few into your purse because you never know when you might need some chocolate hazelnut spread.

6-10. Books. Because if this is supposed to be fun and relaxing, I want to relax. I want to wallow in reading. I want to observe other lives and stories without the messiness of being in them.

UPDATE: Wait. I need more clothes. I need style advice from Marsha and Lisa and Tish.This is why I like having friends who know things: they can help me. I do not have natural style sense. My sister got all of that, along with the bosom gene. She got the hair, makeup, smile, being photogenic, and clothes genes. I got - hmm. What did I get? I got naturally straight hair, which Jen thinks is desirable, as she blows out her naturally curly hair that ten years ago, women were paying $200 for.

10a. If SH's parents were anywhere around - not that I would ever ever go on vacation with them - then I would have to reserve space for valium. I would undergo extra oral surgery just to get a few valium to keep with me under that condition. And vicodin. I would save some of my prescription painkillers from the surgery - grit through the pain of having my gums cut open - and use it if needed. Not that vicodin has ever done anything for me other than slightly relieve post-oral-surgery pain. It doesn't do anything for migraines and it doesn't make me feel all "woooooooooo." But it might distract me.

1 comment:

webb said...

Well, guess I am rude. I carry my tablet so that I can read books - Amazon on the tablet - EVERYWHERE! especially to concerts of all kinds, to Starbucks, even to the store. One never knows when she will have five minutes to read... and i read everywhere.

Would take the tablet, so that would free up space for the Valium!