Friday, April 11, 2014

The working life: What to do with the legs in Wisconsin in April, the cruelest month?

The pantyhose dilemma strikes again. My friends in the south roll their eyes. Nobody wears hose anymore! they tell me.

If I lived in a place where there was no snow, I would not be wearing hose, either.

But here, it is not a fashion statement. It is a survival statement. That is, I like to wear dresses and skirts to work but I don't like to be cold.

But CF what are you doing in Wisconsin if you don't like to be cold?

Ah. Good question. I am here because SH tricked me and now I am stuck. Stuuuuuuck. I love my SH - don't get me wrong - just because I tease at him here doesn't mean I don't think he is a total hottie and my true love - but I have to admit that the very thin silver lining to the cloud of his death would be that I could move away from here, which I would do in about two seconds, once I had figured out a way to get the cats south.

But SH is alive, which is good, and I am here and I must deal with the as-is world instead of the to-be world that SH is always rhapsodizing about. And the as-is world includes cold and snow.

I discovered fleece-lined tights earlier this year. They are not pretty. They are black and they are warm and that is their big selling point. But they are still not warm enough to walk to the bus stop in seven below with a wind chill making it even colder, which is why I wore sweatpants over the fleece-lined tights and then removed them once I got to work. One day, I wore the sweatpants under a dress that I bought at consignment - a fitted dress with fur cuffs and neck. It is a very fitted dress and when I stepped up to the bus I heard a noise and knew it was the dress tearing in the back because the addition of fleece-lined tights and sweatpants to the bulk that is already me was just an inch too much.

It has been over three months of black fleece-lined tights. I am tired of having black legs. I am tired of having fleece-lined legs. Adding bulk to a body is not a strategy for looking good, at least  not for me, as I have plenty of my own bulk thank you very much.

It has been three months of black bulky legs and we are in April and it is no longer winter. It is time to get out of winter clothes.

But it is still cold here.

Bare legs are not an option.

I don't want black legs any more.

So I went to TJMaxx to find some plain old regular pantyhose. The pantyhose section is very small these days. There used to be dozens of packages from many brands. Now there are like seven packages and the hose have sparkles in them.

I do not need nor do I want little gold sparklies in my pantyhose. I am not four years old and I am not a stripper. I am not a hooker. No sparklies.

I went to Walgreen's. Oh man.

Walgreen's is where you go for your cheap, tacky hose and for your $18 hose.

I am not spending $18 on pantyhose. Who can afford that kind of money for an item you wear once, maybe twice if you are lucky? That is four in beer units and five and a half in latte units.

Then I went online, to eBay, my retailer of choice.

Did you know there is a market for used pantyhose?

I shudder.

Even the brand-new hose were not what I wanted.

Back to TJMaxx. They had restocked. No sparklies. My size. The color was called "barely there."

Apparently, "barely there" is five shades darker than my not too fair skin. It was hard to tell in the light at TJMaxx, which is not known for its high-end merchandising.

I wore the barely theres today, walked into the ladies', looked at myself in the mirror, and discovered that it looked like my legs had been trapped in a tanning machine while the rest of me stayed in the shade with 100 SPF slathered on me.

Back to TJMaxx with the remaining five pairs, all unopened.

And back to the laundry room to wash my one single pair of pantyhose that matches my skin color. They have a run in them, but if anyone notices, I look down, gasp, and say, "Oh crap! That must have just happened!"

Praying for warm weather soon so I can have bare legs.





10 comments:

deb said...

What? They don't make L'eggs anymore? Cheap, they fit, a variety of colors. Did I mention cheap? I really don't know...do they still sell them at the supermarket or pharmacy? Wow, it has to have been a decade or more since I've looked for pantyhose!

elke said...

Just a colour suggestion; Hanes "little colour (or maybe color)" is the best I've found for my pale self. No orange tone..

Joy said...

Calvin Klein matte ultra sheer control top in "buff." $12.75 at Macy's, and then I got the Macy's card discount, so something around $10. Yes, too much, but at least it's less than $18. I wore them the other day for the exact same reason--still too cold for bare legs, cannot stand black tights anymore--and they looked great, not that horrible panty hose orangey-brown. Spring will come soon, and then we shall have bare legs and make rhubarb custard pie.

webb said...

Another vote for L'eggs. Inexpensive and relatively comfortable! also warm, usually.

saf said...

Try here: http://www.onehanesplace.com/

Gaylin said...

I can't remember the last time I bought pantyhose. I wear pants all winter with leg warmers under them!

Pantyhose were invented by the devil. (snicker)

Anonymous said...

Kohl's. I know, I dislike Kohl's too, but they do have a good selection of hose - several brands and usually have several colors in the rack. They also have "flesh" colored tights which are far sturdier than pantyhose. I've got one pair that I wore all winter when black legs were not appropriate.

I'm a fellow Milwaukee-weather sufferer. No idea what to wear for the next few days as it'll be <30 when I go to work and >50 when I go home. Give me summer!
Carol

Marilyn Leslie said...

I went to JC Penney this weekend. The selection is greatly reduced and $8.50 a pair.

Class factotum said...

Deb, they do make L'eggs, but I can't find a light enough color. Elke, the Hanes "little color" is still too dark!
Joy, I cannot wait to make something with rhubarb. That will mean spring really is here.
Webb, I don't mind inexpensive!
SAF, I will give that a look. Thanks.
Gaylin, I look better in skirts because I can conceal my not very perky butt!
Carol, how did you know I wouldn't like Kohl's?!
Marilyn - $8.50? For something I get to wear once? No. It's not even chocolate.

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