Monday, April 28, 2014

Wisconsin 101: The only good thing about winter is that it's easy to hide the body

OK. Do you guys remember that I threw up after taking two vicodin after having my oral surgery and my first thought, after "I really need to clean better under the rim of the toilet" was, "Dang. I wish I had eaten more because if I was going to throw up anyhow, I might as well have had ice cream and brownies and Nutella and cheese and butter?"

It made me think, "Perhaps vomiting is the solution to my loosening skin problem."

My friend Julie said, after I told her that even though my weight is about what it was in high school but the fat seems more jiggly, that of course the fat is more jiggly. As we age, we "lose the natural Spanx in our skin." Julie's words. I have never worn Spanx because 1. I hate pain and 2. I hate paying a lot for pain.

Great. So I can not eat all the things I want to eat and I can go to the gym five times a week and I am still going to get flabby, jiggly fat and skin?

What's the point of the self denial and the work if it doesn't make me look the way I want to?

So I was all, "Maybe I should become bulimic."

I can't be anorexic because if my blood sugar drops too much, I get a headache. This makes dieting hard because I have to pick between eating and taking prescription painkillers. Besides, I hate dieting. But I hate having more flesh on my body than can fit into the clothes I already own.

But bulimia - maybe that's an option. Not all the time. I don't like throwing up. But it could be effective. The occasional bulimic. That could be me. Just worth a pound or two a month.

And then I remembered how much money I am spending on my teeth and how the stomach acid ruins your teeth and do I want to ruin my teeth?

No I do not.

So there I am - stuck again with constraints that limit my options. In grad school, in management science, you learn to graph problems. Actually, you graph the constraints and are left with a solution set.

So your graph ends up looking something like the graph above. Each line is a constraint and the area inside the lines - the yellow area - is your range of possible solutions. And of course you want the best solution, but I am not going to get into all of that now.

When you start in management science, the professor makes you do the problems by hand. You have to remember that stuff from 8th grade where y = ax + b, which freaks out some people, even though you are supposed to have had calculus before entering the program and if you can do calculus, you for sure should be able to graph a line.

So my friend Melissa and I were in our management science class and people were asking the prof how to graph a line and she was patiently - although with an undertone of "You ARE all college graduates, correct?" to her voice - and Melissa and I turned to each other and mouthed, "We were ENGLISH majors and we know how to do this stuff!"

If I were graphing my problem - my flabby skin and pouchy stomach and chubby thighs that dimple when I do the plank in body pump so I try very hard not to look at them, I would have the constraints of not being able to let my blood sugar drop and not being willing to pay for plastic surgery and not liking to vomit and hating to exercise and liking to eat things with lots of calories in them, like brownies and Nutella and cheese and bacon, and I would come up with a solution set that would basically say, "You just need to accept that you are built to be strong on plow and to survive famine because girl you are never going to be thin and super toned and you will never have taut skin again."

And then I would have to add in the Shame Constraint of, "You have an at the gym who is bald and when you asked her why she is bald and didn't she have hair last week, she tells you that oh, yeah, her cancer has come back so she has started chemo again and she will have chemo once a month until her body can't take it any more and then perhaps there will be something else that works but until then she is going to exercise and stay strong because what else can you do? And then you think, Sheesh, if the worst of my problems is that I don't like my thighs or my belly or my bosom or my upper arms or my face or my hair, that's not so bad."

The Shame Constraint should obliterate all the other constraints and make me happy just to be healthy. But it doesn't. I still want to be thin.


Gaylin said...

Up until 10 years ago I had never weighed over 130 pounds. Now I weigh 150. I feel huge and unwieldy at times.

Watching my mom waste away while she was dying, she went under 70 pounds.

I am working on not minding the menopause 20, better than dead, right?

Class factotum said...

Gaylin, it is better than dead but it is still hard to take!

Gaylin said...

Yeah, after 26 years of weightlifting, having to give it up for health reasons sucks. I really, really miss my muscles and do not appreciate having gone from an A cup to a B cup. These things get in the way . . .

Also, never had a tummy in my life until a few years ago, me no like it.