Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Marriage 601, Lecture 764: Waste not, want not

How many of you have this problem? Raise your hand if you are married or cohabit with someone who hates to throw anything away.

Now raise your hand if you have done the math in your head for how long it would take to be paroled, assuming any jury in the country would find you guilty after you smothered said spouse/cohabitor with some of his 30 year old college t-shirts or 20 year old phone bills. Nobody who has ever lived with a collector would be able to, in good conscience, find a defendant guilty of anything other than just wanting not to have crap all over her house.

Not saying that SH is a hoarder. He is not. I have seen photos of hoarders.

And, as he always points out, he is not as bad as his parents. However, that is damning with faint praise indeed, as the only surface in his parents' house that is not covered with tchotchkes is the ceiling and that is not for esthetic reasons but because they can't reach. If they could reach the ceiling, it, too, would have junk all over it and dusting it would be just one more chore on the list of things SH is expected to do when he visits, as apparently, a person hired to clean a house does not do any of the hard things like dust the ceiling fans or open closet doors to vacuum inside the closet.

(Speaking of vacuums, have you guys seen the "Dear Kitten" video? Go watch it. Now.)

Where was I? SH just walked in and announced that he had not gone to get frozen custard as planned because we have a ton of dessert at home. I started thinking about dessert and got distracted.

Now SH is trying to get Laverne to chase a rabbit. SH does not respect the time or the silence that an artiste needs to create. He narrates his own soundtrack. When he is in the house, he talks all the time. I asked his best friend from college, with whom SH lived for a year, if SH ever shut up when they lived together. Pete told me only when SH was sleeping or drunk.

Now he is chastising Laverne for caring more about sitting on a plastic grocery bag on the counter than for chasing the big fat rabbit that is lounging in our back yard.

OK. Here is what I wanted to talk about. When you live with a hoarder in training, it is almost impossible to throw anything away. If you want to throw stuff away or put it in the recycling, you have to sneak it into the neighbor's trash or wait until the HIT goes out of town for work.

I tried to throw away a plastic jar that had contained peanut butter. I put it in the recycling.

The next morning, I found the jar back on the kitchen counter.

I put the jar back into the recycling.

SH removed it.

Me: I want to get rid of this jar.

SH: But what if we need it?


SH: I don't know. It could be useful. Look! It has a really nice lid that screws on. And it's plastic!

Me: I. Know. It's recycling now. It is junk. It is not something we need.

SH: It might be good for holding nails. Or something.

Me: Whatever.


LPC said...

Terminator Engineers keep stuff in case they might need it to optimize a process at some unspecified time in the future. Very unspecified.

smalltownme said...

My mother had these disgusting threadbare rugs in her kitchen, in front of the stove and sink. When I was 12 I had the flu and vomited on one of them. My aunt and I conspired to throw it in the trash but my mother rescued it and washed it.

I admit to saving a lot of stuff...tchotchkes and ephemera...but I have no problem throwing away trash and other disgusting items.

webb said...

Someday I will own the world's largest collection of tote bags - all sizes, colors, types, uses ... guess I should feel good that he limits his collecting. Tote bags and anything that will fit in the workshop. Funny ... i had wanted to work in the workshop. silly me!