Friday, February 13, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 764: Wasted days and wasted nights

Speaking of waste of time rituals that consume precious minutes of life that we will never get back, how do you guys order beer or wine at a restaurant?

I do not order it at all because I don't like the way beer and wine taste and if I am going to consume recreational calories, I am going to consume them in the form of butter and/or cheese . Not even chocolate or Nutella - my sweet tooth has declined in the past years. But hot salty fat? Or even room temperature salty fat? I am there.

Occasionally, I might order a drink, like a chocolate martini, which almost always disappoints me: it tastes way too much of liquor and not enough of cream and chocolate. I drink half of it. Half is enough to make me a little buzzed. The other half goes to waste. I look at it and think, "There's four and a half dollars I will never get back."  

The few times I have tried something other than a chocolate martini, I have been ever more disappointed. But what do you do when you don't like the way a nine or eleven-dollar drink tastes? It tastes the way it's supposed to. It's not the restaurant's fault I don't like it.

Wasted money. Wasted calories. Better to eat the bread and butter. Does butter ever disappoint? No it does not. There is no such thing as a Bad Butter Experience.

But when I do order something at a restaurant, I read the description on the menu. I may ask a question or two of the waiter and then I make a decision. A decision that does not require any drama or any research.

How hard is it to pick an item from a menu?

Hard, I guess. Hard if you are 1. SH and 2. ordering beer or wine.

How would you order beer or wine at a restaurant? Would you look at the menu, perhaps engage in some conversation - "What do you have on draft?" - and then make a decision?

That would make you a normal person.

But if you are SH, you have to spend - I am not making this up - the first ten minutes of any time at a restaurant on your phone looking up beer (and wine) ratings and reviews, talking to the bartender, sampling, and then reading more stuff.

While I sit there and twiddle my thumbs and think about getting my phone out so I can read the paper or Ask A Manager or whatever but it seems very rude to be sitting at a table with another person while you are on your ph--

Except when the other person is on his phone. If the other person is on his phone, then why not? Why not have two people at a table at a restaurant reading their phones instead of talking to each other? (Which is a whole different issue from "how hard is it to order a beer anyway?")

I do not remember "For waiting" in my wedding vows.


Becky said...

It doesn't sound as sophisticated as a chocolate martini, but White Russians are quite good.

Debra said...

I have a friend like that; he asks the waiter many, many questions about the menu items and then takes forever to decide what to order in a restaurant. It is almost as if he is so paralyzed with fear that what he orders won't be perfect that he can't place an order. His wife explained to me it was because he grew up without a lot of money, and so now he wants to make sure that what he chooses to spends money on in a restaurant is the best choice possible.

One the other hand, I think, "well, if the meal stinks, there's always next time." And it's not that big of an investment; I could support agonizing over a car purchase but not over a dinner entree or a drink order! Dear Class Factotum, you are a saint. Maybe you should start drinking.