Friday, April 10, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 134: I should have married the Maytag repairman

Oh! I told you I would tell you the story of the Great Plumbing Fight of Fifteen.

This one was totally not my fault.

I did not start this. I did not cause any of the problems. I did not accelerate, enhance, or otherwise magnify the problems.

First, though, let me say how happy I am that SH can fix things. The ability to fix things at home or on a car are essential. Sure, if you are really rich, you can pay someone else to do it for you, but then you are at their mercy and you never know if you are being overcharged. If you are super rich, then you have a house manager who handles everything for you and you don't care, I suppose, if you pay $200 or $300 for a faucet repair, but for the rest of us, $100 is not just pocket change and calling a repairman involves taking time off from work and waiting and being stressed about how much it's going to cost, etc, etc.

So I am grateful that SH can fix things. He can do minor things on the car - big things have to go to the shop just because there is no way for him to get to the water pump or whatever on this car - and around the house. It is a good thing.

However.

When someone decides to do a minor plumbing repair at 6:00 p.m. on a Saturday night, there is the possibility that it will not end well.

There is always the possibility that things can go very wrong and it's too late to get to the neighborhood hardware store for the part needed and who wants to drive all the way out to a big box store at 9 p.m. and insanity.

I was downstairs, watching a movie and minding my own business. I had already asked SH not to start on the repair - "Please just do this kind of thing while I'm at work," I asked. "I just don't want to be around."

Selfish, I know, but when he is doing repairs, he always wants me involved and I do not want to be involved. I do not want to stand there and be the person he can get mad to because the parts are stuck.

I was watching the movie and came upstairs to check the chocolate drawer after 90 minutes, thinking it would be safe to re-enter the kitchen, only it wasn't. He wasn't done. He was cranky because one of the parts had gotten stuck inside another part and they weren't separating no matter what he did. I said why not just buy a new part but that is not acceptable to an engineer - the most important thing is to solve the problem cleverly, with the engineer winning, not to just Solve The Problem, which is all the English major cares about. Solve the problem with the least effort and least amount of time and there. Problem solved. Who cares if it's not elegant? Not the English major who has moved on with her life and does not care if the problem is laughing at her.

Nope. SH had to spend another 30 minutes trying to get the pieces apart, which he did eventually but then he accidentally put some things in backwards and they got stuck again and the solution was for the hot water to come out of the cold tap and the cold water to come out of the hot side and I said I DON'T CARE I LIVING IN LATIN AMERICA FOR FIVE YEARS AND "C" WAS ALWAYS THE HOT SIDE THERE BECAUSE "C" EQUALS "CALIENTE."

But SH did not like that and then water started to leak and he asked me to get rags so I brought the rag bucket up from the basement and put it on the floor and he got all pissy because the bucket had SOME DUST ON IT and he had JUST VACUUMED THE KITCHEN and I just rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, like I can't pick up dust off the floor?" and I did but by then he was super cranky and that's when I thought, "Sheesh. So that's why you pay a plumber $300 - because he will GO AWAY." And that's when I totally got Charlie Sheen.

Sometimes I think marriage is not the bed of roses I was promised.

SH brought a new faucet home from Costco last night. He is going to replace the one we have. I don't care. I do not spend a lot of time worrying about faucets. As long as water is not leaking and as long as I can get water when I want it, I am fine. SH has far higher faucet standards. He brought a new faucet set home but has promised he will not install it until I am at work. He better wait or I might have to divorce him.


1 comment:

Marsha said...

My faucet replacement was a two-day job, much swearing involved. I feel your pain.