Wednesday, April 08, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 453: If the Hunt brothers try to corner the liquid soap market, we will be millionaires

 


 
SH stopped at Costco on his way home from Madison. SH shopping on his own is a little bit dangerous. He loves to get a deal and he knows his prices, but I ask you -  for how many years in advance does one need to buy toothbrushes?

Right now, he is four years ahead of the toothbrush curve.

SH loves to have stuff. He comes by it honest - his parents are borderline hoarders.

However, that is the exact reason he should be extra vigilant. He does not want to become them. (In so many ways - he also does not want to become a drunken jerk like his dad. I swear SH must be adopted because that is the only logical explanation for how he is the product of his parents.)

Anyhow - it takes eternal vigilance to prevent hoarding. Apparently, I am the Cerberus in this household, standing at the back door, arms splayed, preventing more junk from coming into the house.

Oh - did I not mention?

SH  does not hoard nice stuff. He hoards cheap stuff. Cheap stuff from Costco. I don't care how much per hour Costco employees make, that does not impose upon me an obligation to buy enough supplies for a Mormon or a survivalist basement.

He came home. Started unloading the car.

The first thing I saw was the four-pack of toilet cleaner.

People.

We do not have a big toilet problem in our house.

And we certainly do not have a toilet problem of the sort where we need a toilet cleaner that kills influenza germs.

Unless people are now transmitting influenza via toilet seats? Or is this a product designed for people who drink from their toilets? I don't know. I am confused. I do not understand why a toilet cleaner needs to kill a germ that is transmitted by coughing and sneezing.

If it had not been for the eight toothbrushes, the six packages of dental floss, and the four bottles of toilet bowl cleaner (I will say in SH's defense that even though he is a quasi-hoarder and a hoarder of cheap stuff, he at least is not like his parents in that he does not hoard brass, ceramic, and paper mache' frogs. He does not hoard anything decorative, except for the ceramic cats and those are in his office, or anything that needs to be dusted. He at least hoards mostly useful stuff - and stuff that has broken and he might repair "some day."), I might not have gotten so upset at the gallon of liquid soap.

But.

1. I hate generic liquid soap.
2. I kind of hate all liquid soap.
3. I really do not want two 64-oz containers of liquid soap hogging up real estate in the bathroom closet.

(SH: But we have room for it!
Me: Just because there is space does not mean we need to fill it!
SH: But there is room!
Me: There is nothing wrong with empty space! You were raised by wolves!)

4. Two years ago, when SH brought 64 oz of liquid soap home, I expressed my dismay: "I thought we were finally going to use this stuff up and I could get something nice!" (No, I do not feel like I can go to The Body Shop to get Good Soap when we have soap at home.)
5. SH did not remember that I did not want more liquid soap.

So I yelled and asked why he insisted on buying all this cheap crap and bringing it into our home and does he want us not to be able to have room to walk for all the junk in our house and WHY WON'T HE STOP BUYING STUFF?

And he told me I was being cranky and I said yes I was and it was my turn as I get cranky publicly about once a year and he is cranky ALL THE TIME and he said yeah well you don't have to deal with my parents if you did you would be cranky ALL THE TIME TOO and I had to concede that point because he is absolutely right: his parents are a nightmare.

Those of you who think SH and I must be doing something to cause his parents to be jerks - I am actually happy for you because that means you have never lived the situation of awful relatives in your lives. I had no idea before I met SH how bad it could be. I hope you get to keep thinking I exaggerate and that I must have done something to make them hate me so much because that means you don't have to deal with people like his parents.

So I yelled some more and he said THEY ONLY COST FOUR DOLLARS! and I said I DON'T CARE I HATE HAVING CHEAP CRAP IN MY HOUSE! and he said FINE I WILL TAKE THEM BACK! and I said OK.

And he said, "You're being cranky!"

And he has continued to marvel in that fact that I, the person who does not like to fight, picked a fight and yelled and I pointed out that if he had just not brought a GALLON of liquid soap into the house, I would not have been forced to yell. And that he is cranky all the time so just be quiet.

2 comments:

webb said...

You need to know this.

One can save a dollar at Costco by buying the 18-pack (it might actually be the 24-pack) of cheap one-ply toilet tissue instead of the oh-so-much-nicer double ply. I know this because my hoarder proudly came home with the former the last time he replenished our toilet tissue supply. (He gets a little panicky when we have fewer than 12 rolls on hand. He almost has reason, but that is a tale for another time.) It does not matter in the least to him that one must use at least twice as much - if one is female - thereby making the real cost higher. It's only that saved dollar that is important.

Don't let SH read this comment! I did not mean to doom you to the single ply, too.

Class factotum said...

Webb, I started reading your comment to SH because it was so funny and he wouldn't even let me finish before he started to protest that he buys Good Toilet Paper. Which he does. But he was missing the whole point, wasn't he?