Monday, August 31, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 34: The clothes wouldn't have fit

SH: Are you going to try to lose weight for our class reunion?

Me: Of course.

[Look at inside-out oreo cake from state fair, a bite of which is making its way into my mouth]

Me: Except every time I see myself naked, I think, "I don't look awful" and then I lose motivation.

SH: I think you look fine. As long as you can fit into whatever you want to wear, that's all that matters.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Cats 101: He didn't even see it coming but I did

Me: Would you put the space heater in the basement tomorrow? [Finally. In July. We are putting the space heater away. It will probably need to come out again in a month.]

SH: Yes.

Me: And the peach box in the recycling?

SH: Yes. I'll put it here so I remember.

Me: You know what's going to happen, right?

SH: What? HEY! STOP!

SH: How did she do that so fast?

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Cats 101: We return from our wanderings and Laverne acts all happy but then throws up in the middle of the night

I have told you about our problem with cat vomiting. SH maintains that this is normal, but it is new that Laverne vomits as often as she has been. We tried the tennis balls in the bowl thing. Laverne was too eager to eat to figure out that she could just knock the balls out of the bowl. Shirley, who usually does not get any credit for being that bright, although she does manage to

1. spend most of her life sleeping
2. have someone else take care of getting her food and cleaning her living space
3. get SH to work to get her approval,

is the one who realized that all you have to do is to knock the balls out of the bowl. She wanted the bowl with the balls in it because that looked like fun. Laverne wanted Shirley's bowl because it is no work to get to the food.

So anyway. SH and I returned from being gone for ten days and Laverne was so happy to see us. She was purring and rubbing up next to us and meowing and pretty much being a huge nuisance as we unpacked, but she is our kitty and we love her so we put up with her.

And it was nice that she was happy. There have been times when we have traveled that the cats have punished us for abandoning them. They have ignored us and they do not know us. Nice that we were not facing any drama for being gone so long.

We got everything put away - my uncle's bratwurst, the cinnamon rolls from Coco Bakery in Washburn, the laundry, the kitchen utensils. I had to go to work the next day, so I made my lunch and got my gym clothes together and put my work clothes in the bathroom.

We were tired. I finally got to go to bed. I had to get up in six hours to go to work. I wanted sleep.

But it was not to be. Two hours later, I was awakened by a sound I know oh so well. The sound of a cat preparing to vomit.

(For those of you who do not have cats: there is a pre-vomit sound - the retching. If you hear it soon enough, you can locate the cat and remove her from the very small carpeted or rugged area where she wants to throw up and put her on some kind of cement or wood surface that is easier to clean. It is almost impossible to locate her soon enough usually.)

It was dark.

I was asleep.

I heard the sound.

It woke me up.

I couldn't find the light.

I couldn't find the cat.

Our bedroom consists of 70% wood floor and 30% nice handmade rug that we bought in Morocco.

She threw up on the rug.

I guess she was ticked off after all.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 542: Up a creek

SH and I are on vacation.

I am having the perfect afternoon.

Some of you might understand.

I love my husband. I like my husband.

But I like to be alone, too.

We have been together at the cottage for a few days now. It is lovely to eat breakfast together and to play tennis and to take walks and to attend lectures at the Madeline Island museum about how the Native Americans re-purposed the copper kettles and the blue beads that the French brought, but

it is also lovely to be alone.

SH likes boats.

I do not.

I do not find it pleasant to be trapped in a small area surrounded by water.

1. The glare of the sun on the water will almost surely cause a migraine
2. It is work to paddle a kayak and I am ON VACATION
3. It is boring to be in a boat. There. I said it. It is boring to be in a boat. I hate it. Yes, I know I was in Sea Scouts in high school, but that's because my best friend was in Sea Scouts and the guy David on whom I had a massive crush was also in Sea Scouts.
4. I hate being on a boat. I will never ever ever go on a cruise unless it is one of those Danube river cruises where the boat is really just a floating hotel that I get to leave every day.

SH asked if I wanted to go kayaking.

I told him I would if he really wanted to.

But he knew I didn't want to go.

"I will go alone," he said, "and you can spend the afternoon alone."

I love this man.

"I will get the kayak, paddle here, have lunch with you, and paddle back."

Which he did. He got here at about 2:30. "It took about an hour. I have to have the kayak back by 4:30, so I shouldn't leave here any later than 3:30."

"That's not allowing for anything weird to happen," I observed.

"I cannot possibly imagine the wind direction shifting," he said. "That is the only thing that could make it take longer."

"You can't 'possibly imagine?'" I asked. "Isn't that the kind of magical thinking that has gotten you into trouble so many times before?"

He smiled. "I am an optimist."

I shook my head. "You are a person who is always late."

He shrugged. "It's part of my charm."

"No. It's not. It makes punctual people like me absolutely crazy."

"It will be fine. The wind is not going to change."

Three hours later.

Guess what?

The wind shifted direction.

He smiled. "I can't possibly imagine that that might have happened!"

I shake my head again and remind myself that I do not care if he misses his next plane or is late for anything to do with his parents. It is not my problem. And I did get an entire afternoon by myself. I do love that man. If he were perfect, I wouldn't be able to stand him, so I guess this is the flaw that keeps him human.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 234: In Lyme disease and in health


Me: []

SH (walks into bedroom): OH NO!!!!

Me: What?

SH: I just pulled a tick off my leg!

Me: Did you get the legs?

SH: Yes.

Me: OK. [I return to my book.]

SH: But - A TICK!

Me: And?


Me: Well, let's hope for a quick death then - before you have to deal with (a particularly unpleasant task that is looming)

SH: Should I call a doctor?

Let me interject here - the times that SH has actually needed medical attention or medical supplies - the time the surgery wound on his leg was infected and the times he has had the flu or something where even if he does not want to take a decongestant, it would be helpful for me not to have someone sniffing and gasping to breathe next to me all night, he has refused, with stoic principled "I don't NEED a doctor/medicine."

Me: I think you will be fine. I have not heard of an epidemic of Lyme disease in the Apostle Islands.

SH: I could DIE.

Me: My friend's husband was bitten by a tick a few weeks ago and yet he lives.

SH: I could DIE.

Me: Could you wait until we're home so I can have the rest of our vacation and not have to worry about what to do with your corpse up here?

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 563: Thieves afoot on Madeline Island, or, Occam's Razor

We are on vacation. We are here. It is wonderful. We are making lunch. My uncle's bratwurst and grilled vegetables.

SH is doing all the cooking. All the cooking and all the dish doing and most of the work.

That is fine with me.

SH: Where's the silicone brush?

Me: I don't know. We brought it with us, right?

[Of course we brought it with us. I keep a spreadsheet of what we need to take on vacation and the silicone brush that we use to put olive oil on vegetables is on the spreadsheet.]

SH: I used it for the zucchini the other day.

Me: So you had it last.

SH: Yes.

Me: And now you can't find it.

SH [as he opens and closes every drawer in the kitchen.]: No!

Me: So you lost it.

SH: Yes.

Me: So you are not doing it right?

SH: Where is it? What happened?

Me: It will turn up.

SH: No! I can't find it! I think someone must have taken it!

Me: Who?

SH: Someone!

Me: You mean someone broke into this cottage just to steal a silicone brush?

SH: It is the only logical explanation!

Me: Or - you lost it and it will turn up.

SH [wearily]: It's gone. Someone took it.

Me: You're crazy.

SH: Oh.

Me: What?

SH: Um. Well. Guess what?

Me: What?

SH: I remember now. I had put it on top of this pitcher so I would be sure to see it and not leave it here and it looks like it fell behind it.

Me: So it wasn't stolen.

SH: I guess not.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 653: Not doing it right

I believe this photo goes into the SH lexicon, along with the Song of Something Bad Happened.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Wisconsin 101: Who's cool?

This is such a sincere place. There is not a lot of snark in Wisconsin, which means I am often left feeling like the bitchiest person in the world because I have a normal amount of snark but compared to Wisconsin Nice, I am mean.

Even the hipster affect is done without irony here. There are people who have mullets because - because, I think, they think they look good. Not because they are making an ironic commentary on fashion and style.

Although I have to admit that I could do without hipsters and ironic commentary on fashion and style.

I even had to stop it at work because my boss, who does have a great sense of humor, does not have a snarky bone in his body. When I was commenting that at my old job, at the super-cheap non-profit, they had moved beyond a VPN system and I could get to any of my files on the shared drive from my home computer, as compared to my current job, where I have to have 1. my work computer and 2. a stupid VPN thingy to work at home, that the 80's called and wanted their technology back, my boss looked puzzled and then shook his head.

I got the message.

Snark is not done there.

That's why I have to save it all for blogging.

But occasionally, I do see something that gives me hope that there is an edge to the humor here, like the coolers at Big Head Beer.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Marriage 701, Lecture 234: Going on vacation with an engineer

We are packing to go on our vacation and SH is getting all stressed out because he needs to be in charge and he thinks that I am using the wrong bag for his books - the books are not tidy enough and I have put his magazines in there and WHAT IF THEY WRINKLE? and how come I have mixed my books with his and is that the right bag to put the shoes in (driving, so we do not have to be compact and tidy) and I am wondering just how many years I would get for hitting my husband over the head with a bag of library sale books and if there is a jury of my peers-  women married to fussy engineers - who would even convict me.