Sunday, April 03, 2016

The end of the line

Hi everyone,

I am closing this blog down. It has been a good run and it is time to stop. The truth? I am tired and I am lazy and there has been a ton of drama in our lives in the past year that I had not been able to write about here (SH's drunk father fell on his drunk mother, broke her knees, put her in the hospital, from which she emerged in a box, then SH's father died six weeks later from an infection after surgery, then SH's half brother decided he would replace the jerk void left by the death of SH's father, etc, etc, etc.).

Why couldn't I write about it here?

Because SH's parents used to have the address to this blog, which is where they read my wedding project plan that gave them their excuse to tell SH that he should not marry me and that they were going to boycott the wedding. I couldn't write anything here that they might see because although I could not care less what they thought about me, they used to make SH's life miserable.

But they are dead. SH has spent the past year dealing with all their crap. Here's some advice:

1. Throw out all the old useless junk in your house unless you hate your children and want them to have to deal with it. By "crap," I mean your check registers from the 70s, your eight year old bills, and your winter clothes (if you live in Florida).

2. If you have any porn, sex toys, or photos of you and your partner using such toys, please arrange for a friend to get rid of it before your child has to clean out your house.

3. If you are going to disinherit your son, then don't make him the executor of your will and the trustee for the trusts you want established and managed until your grandchildren are 30. (The youngest is 17.) It really is adding insult to injury to disinherit your kid - after you have threatened to do so many times if he does not get that wife of his "in line" - and then still expect him to do all the work.

4. If you are the older half sibling and your mentally-disabled son will inherit $150,000 from his grandparents, do not try to drain the trust for your own purposes, i.e,. remodeling your house, funding your IRA, and taking a family vacation to Europe. It will just confirm everyone's opinion of you as a complete jerk.

5. If you are the husband, please don't bring your parents' ashes into your home.

6. Marry a rich orphan. Seriously. I love SH and I have no idea how he is the wonderful man he is given his mean, drunk parents. But bad in-laws can make you miserable. 

I am tired. SH is tired. I have a great new job that I really like with a fabulous boss, but it requires actual thought and concentration and by the time I get home, I am done. I just don't feel like doing a lot of writing.

You guys have been great. I have enjoyed you so much. Thank you for reading.

Xxoxoxox,

Class Factotum


 I leave you with a photo of Shirley walking away from her binky after she has carried it upstairs, yowling desperately.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Wisconsin 101: We don't live here for the Mexican food

Through a long series of events I would rather not go into here, SH and I own a timeshare now. I do not want to own a timeshare. I think owning a timeshare is stupid and I want him to unload it as soon as possible.

However, we have it for now. And there are points or whatever that are going to expire. And SH has some first-class upgrades that are going to expire. So we are going to Hawaii for vacation.

My friend Brooke just moved to Hawaii from Austin. We will get to see here when we are there - that is actually more of the appeal for me of Hawaii than Hawaii itself. (I would rather go to the Caribbean - it's closer.)

  • Me


    THat sounds fabulous! What can we bring you from the mainland?
  • 1/6, 5:33pm
    Brooke


    hmmm, let me think on it! I would say Mexican food but that's hard to travel- the 'mexican' food here sucks!
  • 1/6, 5:34pm
    Me


    Not to mention Milwaukee is not exactly the go-to place for Mexican food
  • 1/6, 5:34pm
    Brooke


    ha! yes!
  • 1/6, 5:35pm
    Me


    We do, however, have excellent cheese

    and beer
  • 1/6, 5:38pm
    Brooke


    mmmmm.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Chats du jour


Is this the face of a happy, drooling middle-aged cat?

Yes it is!

Is this the face of a happy cat who is going bald from the bottom half of her belly down?

Yes!

Is this the face of a cat whose food we have changed - with each food being more expensive than the previous - in an attempt to identify a food that will

  • Not cause her to throw up within three minutes of eating
  • Not cause her to GO BALD on her belly, at the base of her previously-lush tail, and on the backs of her hind legs?
Yes!

Is this the face of a cat who had pretty much stopped throwing up months ago but then started to go bald so we switched food again and then who, five hours after eating her breakfast, randomly vomited on the bedspread and the quilt?

YES!

And is that the face of an SH who came downstairs to discover the bedspread in the dryer already and the quilt in the washer who asked, "Why didn't you stop her from throwing up?" to which I replied, "Oh because I LOVE CLEANING CAT VOMIT OFF MY THINGS."

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Life with an engineer #4,231

SH and I went to our college reunion. He, my roommates, and I went to the engineering reception. My roommate Rene was talking to a man who looked familiar. I got closer - recognized his name, took 30 years off his face, and yep. It was he.

Me: Are you professor X?

Prof X: Yes.

Me: You're CivE, right?

Prof X: Yes.

Me: I spilled a pitcher of tea on you when I was a waitress at the faculty club.

Prof X: What? I don't remember.

Me: I told you, "It's a good thing I'm an English major" and you said, "Yes. It is."

Monday, January 11, 2016

Marriage 801, Lecture 33: Goose, gander

SH: Remember when we met?

Me: Yes.

SH: And how I was able to wear my old tuxedo to Patrick and Ilene's wedding because it fit?

Me: Yes.

SH: I am the same weight now that I was then.

Me: Uh huh.

SH: But my clothes don't fit the same way.

Me: Really.

SH: It's like the weight is all moved around. I don't like it.

Me: I know.

SH: I exercise!


Me: Welcome. To. My. World.

Friday, January 08, 2016

The working life with engineers

Me: There were two guys - not just one - who came in to the gym at lunch and weighed themselves. IN CLOTHES.
 
Engineer: Well if you just watch for the delta...

 
Me: But the clothes don't all weigh the same.

 
Engineer: I have only three pairs of work shoes. Same shoes, different colors.

 
Me: Of course you do.

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Life with an engineer #54



1. Note the expiration date on the package.
2. Remember that we are of the Tribe of We Who Do Not Waste.
3. I did not buy this. I do not buy this kind of food. This belonged to SH even before I met him. Which was ten years ago.
4. I have been trying to throw it away for years.
5. He doesn't want me to throw it away.
6. I finally looked at the expiration date today and said, Ya basta.
7. I tossed it.
8. I posted on facebook about it.
9. He pulled it out of the trash to separate the package into trash and recycling.
10. Even though our living room and guest room are full of the boxes he has hauled up here from his mom and dad's house.
#rearrangingdeckchairs#fiddlingwhileRomeburns

Monday, January 04, 2016

The working life with engineers

You guys remember this, right?







The flowers arranged in positions two and four?

Well, here is the current version of that story.

A bunch of us from work went out to lunch.

1. My boss pulled over halfway to the restaurant to take a photo of the odometer as it turned 100,000. Which is fairly normal behavior. I challenge you to find a person who has not done that or some variation of that, for instance, taking a photo of 123,456 or 99,999.

2. He showed the photo to Other Engineer at the restaurant.

NB I really really like the people I work with. It is a joy to work with super smart people. There is no drama with engineers. But they are not like Ordinary People. At least, they are Not Like Me.

Boss: Look!
Other Engineer: You should have waited until 100,001.
Boss: Why?
Other Engineer: Because then it would have been symmetrical.

These guys crack me up.